Is she a CF or I'm being mean?

[alreadyinchristmasmood]

Name changed as she might be on here and I don't want this to be linked to my usual username.

Here's my AIBU, I am trying to be as short as possible.

I'm 29 and I decided to go back to uni for my second degree last year. I met a girl who's a bit older than me and has 5 children (relevant). I work full time (though quite flexible) while doing my degree so life is a bit hectic, I feel shattered pretty much all the time. I go to uni to most of the classes (this requires a lot of effort) and take relevant and very organised notes (on my laptop). Some of the classes don't even have course material so it's just the book and what the professor says in class.

So this woman, let's call her X became my friend last year, in the first year of uni. She seemed really nice and I always kept her a seat next to me (always front or second row as otherwise you can't hear anything!) as she was always late (she still is). She kept saying that she's really busy with the children (she doesn't work) and asked for some of my notes which I was happy to help with.

Problem is now she's always late, rolls in 15-20 minutes after the class started and she sits next to me in the front row. She asks pretty much everyday for notes and I've been too ashamed to say no so far.

I realised she's taking the piss last week when she's been in town to have lunch (while I was waiting at uni for class, didn't eat anything in that day), came in 45 mins later and asked for my notes

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss. She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

AIBU? If I'm not being unreasonable how can I be assertive?

When she next comes in tell her you literally made it to class 2 minutes before she did so you have both missed X number of minutes. Therefore your class notes are useless to her as she is taking the same notes you are.

I agree with PP that if she uses the same phrasing as you you could both be in trouble as it won't just occur randomly once but several times. This is the reason she needs to make her own notes.

My DCs were taught in school to rephrase something for their notes and use the rephrase otherwise they may accidentally use the original.

So basically, tell her you were late too, and that she can no longer have your notes for fear of plagiarism. If you are too cowardly to say it to her face, email her about the plagiarism and also invite someone to sit next to you or sit next to them in future.

Stop saving her a seat for a start. It's really not fair to the people who have made an effort to get there on time for her to waltz in 20 mins late and get a decent seat when others are struggling to hear further back.

Just be honest with her. Next time she asks for your notes just say "Look CF, I know you've got a lot on your plate but you ask for my notes literally every lecture and I'm starting to feel a bit used now". If she's got anything about her she'll apologise and stop taking the piss. If she gets the hump then she's clearly not a real friend and you're be better off without her.

i think if you try to make a joke out of it, it will get weird, so could you say something like "look, I know it's hard to get to class on time sometimes, but I'm starting to feel like I'm your secretary! It makes me feel awkward to be asked to let you copy my work all the time - can we stop sharing notes and just go back to being normal friends?"

I loved this.

I would edit your notes and send her ones that are short and dont make much sense. She wont ask again

I'm actually tempted to do that.

I am a tutor and would not be impressed or remotely interested in the number of children the CF has.

I wouldn't be impressed either! Not our problem, is it?

Last year she missed quite a lot and then at the end of the semester she asked for the FULL notes document!

Wow. Thanks for all your amazing replies. I was actually start to think I was the evil one here as I don't want to help. I help literally ANYONE when I can but this is not helping, this is literally me carrying her through her degree.

i would have a word with your tutor about it and then see if maybe they can say to stop sharing notes? maybe theyve noticed your work is similar and so would like you to stop? if thats a thing.

Could you charge her transcribing rates? Or threaten too... uni might take a dim view.

If saying no is just awkward I'd just not.

Redacting notes will take up time and be a a waste for you.

Next time she asks just say no. Tell her you put the effort in to be on time, listen to your lecturers and take the notes. It's not your problem if she has 5 kids and has decided to study. So what if you lose the friendship. She's only using you anyway.

@Drum2018 I think you're spot on. The only reason I said yes is because I thought she's my friend. But friendship=reprocicate, right? She doesn't put anything on the table. I'm pretty sure if I say no, this "friendship" will be over

She expects you to keep handing over your notes so she can gain her qualification without having done any actual learning or thinking for herself.
What job/career is she planning on going into?
Cos i've seen ill-educated and inept people get jobs that they are not effective at and it's always everyone else who pays the price for it.

@monkeymonkey2010 we're talking law school. This is extremely challenging and time consuming

Yes, I agree that you are basically doing her degree for her. I think I would be direct in saying to her that I didn’t want to share my work anymore. If I really felt I couldn’t then I would sit where she couldn’t sit next to me and then give her no more than 10 random bullet points as notes if asked.

Ex Lecturer here. I can remember several occasions where students were challenged when their coursework was so similar that it raised questions about collusion or plagiarism. Sharing notes was often part of the explanation offered. You are doing the work here but you could find yourself challenged, and potentially penalised, if the work she submits ends up similar to yours.

@meercat23 Somehow due to the nature of the work that needs to be submitted notes are not much help, but they're great help for the exams!

Hang on... she gets money from your notes?

She knows she's being a CF and she's relying on you to feel too awkward to call her out.

A very interesting thing happened to me whilst I was doing my degree.

My "friend" escalated from asking for my notes, to asking for my revision notes, to asking to look at my essay "but not copy it". She did copy most of it, and was awarded zero. We were both hauled to stressful academic meetings until they have proof that she had copied mine and not the other way around.

She dropped out by Semester 2 of 1st year.

Sounds like she thinks you're a mug, OP. Don't prove her right, time to cut her off.

In what ways is she a friend to you?

STOP giving her your notes for a start. Jesus crivens what were you thining, she's taking credit for all your work

i would have a word with your tutor about it and then see if maybe they can say to stop sharing notes?

Don't do this. It will just make you look a bit pathetic and I would be very surprised if your lecturer did anything other than tell you to say no.

I can understand how you got yourself into this situation. I assume it was a gradual process that eventually ended up out of hand. I'm afraid the only way out of it is to stop doing it. Definitely stop saving a seat. Try and sit in between 2 other people. Move seats to do that if you need to. Just tell her you're not comfortable sharing notes anymore. If she's a friend, she'll apologise. If she's not, she'll eventually move on to someone else.

Fuck!
So she's going to end up being a shitty lawyer giving people shitty advice cos she hasn't a bloody clue how to listen, discern and arrive at the correct solution using her own intellect?

I'd stop giving her the notes asap.
Tutors are pretty good at picking up who's been sharing notes based on the way essays are written - especially when it's happening over a prolonged period of time.
Your notes are written from your perspective - and that perspective/voice comes across in your write up. .....and the longer it carries on the longer your own integrity is being compromised.
A few of my mates did this in their first year at Uni.....they got pulled in for a serious 'chat' before end of year exams, and realised that their tutors had known for ages, and pulling them aside for a chat was them being nice - otherwise they would have all failed their first year due to plagarism.

I'll lend you some of my aspergian assertiveness - in your next lecture you take your notes as usual.
When it's over just pack up your stuff with an air of 'i'm in a hurry' and go.
Don't engage in whatever ritual you've currently got going on and don't bring up the convo re notes yourself.
WHEN she 'asks' you for your notes, just say 'no' and then a breezy "see you later" as you walk away.
If she dares to ask why, then just be blunt "cos you need to take your own notes"
Or blame it on your tutor and say they've noticed the note-sharing and advised you against it.
She's hardly going to ask the tutor why they're not letting her use someone else's notes.....if she does - then i'd love to be a fly on the wall for that discussion

She's probably not even signed up for the course. She just turns up at various lectures and gets notes to sell.

She is a CF and you owe her nothing.

When I was at law school there was a lazy arse who used to not bother turning up at lectures then crib other people's notes and "just have a look" at their essays

Finally one piece of coursework towards the end he surpassed himself. He photocopied the essay of a mug girl in our course, didn't even bother to type it up again, just did his own first and final pages in front that didn't even match!

They were both hauled over the coals. She almost got kicked out but luckily there was sufficient evidence that she had been plagiarized and not the other way around. He was not only kicked out but reported to the Law Society (the regulating body at the time) and was barred for life from boot only qualifying as a solicitor but holding any position in a legal role. Until that point he had a guaranteed future as his stepfather had promised him a job in his legal practice.

Next time she asks say no.

Yep she’s a CF. I was in this exact situation. Had to end up being blunting. Think I said something like we should take turn about. I’m not your secretary! She never asked again.

What are you actually getting from this "friendship"? Is she a good listener; can you have a laugh together? From what you've written it doesn't sound like friendship at all.

FWIW I went to Uni at 30 yo. I had 4 very small children (2-7 yo) and 2 PT jobs. I admit that back then I had a lot of support from DH, who was also working FT, but I managed to get to classes on time every day, do the work, get it in on time and get to my paid jobs, plus keep the children alive.

It isn't anyone else's problem that she has 5 kids, and if she can't manage to get there or do the work herself that is also her problem. I can't believe she did really well in exams based on your notes . She is indeed a CF of the highest order.