Is she a CF or I'm being mean?

[alreadyinchristmasmood]

Name changed as she might be on here and I don't want this to be linked to my usual username.

Here's my AIBU, I am trying to be as short as possible.

I'm 29 and I decided to go back to uni for my second degree last year. I met a girl who's a bit older than me and has 5 children (relevant). I work full time (though quite flexible) while doing my degree so life is a bit hectic, I feel shattered pretty much all the time. I go to uni to most of the classes (this requires a lot of effort) and take relevant and very organised notes (on my laptop). Some of the classes don't even have course material so it's just the book and what the professor says in class.

So this woman, let's call her X became my friend last year, in the first year of uni. She seemed really nice and I always kept her a seat next to me (always front or second row as otherwise you can't hear anything!) as she was always late (she still is). She kept saying that she's really busy with the children (she doesn't work) and asked for some of my notes which I was happy to help with.

Problem is now she's always late, rolls in 15-20 minutes after the class started and she sits next to me in the front row. She asks pretty much everyday for notes and I've been too ashamed to say no so far.

I realised she's taking the piss last week when she's been in town to have lunch (while I was waiting at uni for class, didn't eat anything in that day), came in 45 mins later and asked for my notes

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss. She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

AIBU? If I'm not being unreasonable how can I be assertive?

Why are people with loads of kids treated like martyrs? No one made her have (a ridiculous number of) children.

I would stop saving a seat and say you have been advised by staff to stop sharing notes.

What else does the friendship consist of? Other than you saving her seat and doing her notes?

This is very silly on her part, the act of taking notes is part of the learning.

Of course she's being a CFer. Why the fuck can you not tell her NO?! 'I feel really used here. It's not fair that everyone else is showing up and doing the work. I'm not giving you my notes anymore.' Who is she, Dumbledore, going turn you into a toad? She doesn't say thanks anymore. Fuck her! You owe her nothing! Hate cunts like this taking advantage of mugs but hey, people let them.

When I was a uni a group of us used to equally share notes. One guy started taking the piss and literally copied another guys assignment. The guy that copied got 90% or something similar, the innocent guy whose assignment was being copied got 20%.

I'm so angry on your behalf! she's adding to your mental load. get rid and don't feel bad. she's a distraction you can do without.

Tell her to watch lecture capture. She's being lazy because all lectures are recorded now!

She's a lazy so and so.
She wants you to get her degree for her ! (think how unbeleivably annoying it would be if this situation continues and she ends up with a better class of degree than you).
I'd refuse each time from now on. When she asks just say 'It's mostly covered in chapter X of the textbook - you don;t need my notes.'
or more bluntly 'I find I learn better when I take my own notes - it's not really going to benefit you if I do all the work'
Really taking lecture notes is a basic skill (could you suggest she asks the lecturer for some pointers if she is struggling ?) if she can;t manage this skill then she's pretty disorganized. You can buy books on the best way to take notes - give her a list of some titles. And eevryone does it differently - I always made diagramatic notes where I linked certain ideas etc. My notes probably wouldn't have made much sense to anyone else.

She targeted you from the start @alreadyinchristmasmood - well organised, no kids to trump her 5 with, and with a good brain but too nice to be comfortable saying no to people.
Avoid sitting anywhere near her. When she asks for your notes be clear, practice saying it out loud on your own so that it comes out easily. Say law is a competitive field & it's time she started competing on her own abilities, not yours, and that your notes aren't available any more. Then just nod, smile, & walk away. How she deals with that is her business not yours.

You are scared of confrontation aren't you?

Stop saving a seat. If she moans say others complained that you were being rude and unfair by blocking them from sitting there (phrase it like that - blocking them rather than helping her). She doesn't have to know the complainers were on MN. This stops the in class copying.

As for the notes after class, let's find out if she is a friend or a user. Message her "Hi X, my laptop is playing up, my docs aren't always saving properly. Can I get your notes after each class for the next couple of weeks?" If she doesn't/won't then you know where you stand.

Then when she still cheekily demands your notes or just when you think she's gearing up to ask "OMG, I'm so glad to see you, my notes got corrupted. Totally useless. Send me yours? I know they won't be up to my standard but I won't judge ha ha!"

The thing is to decide in your own mind that you require give and take from friends. She needs to give quite a lot to you to put your friendship in balance. Make up any nonsense you like if it helps just so long as not another favour passes from you to her until she has seriously stepped up as your friend.

Excuses, subterfuge, lies never work with bullying twats like this gal. She has to be told NO, you watch lecture capture or come to class like everyone else. I am not a secretary.

Youre not in the UK You "forgot" to mention.

Why the hell is it a 'waste of time' if the OP is not in the UK? Sounds like she might be in Ireland. Last I checked, you can tell CFers to fuck off over there, too.

@FuriousVexation this was rude and uncalled for. Advice is perfect, regardless of the country. And I mentioned quite quick, actually.

Thanks everyone else. I am indeed afraid of confrontation. I'll have to say no ASAP, this is so frustrating

@timshelthechoice thanks for that.

No more saving of seats for her, first of all. That has probably pissed off others as well, her rolling in late all of the time and getting a prime seat.
What can she do if you say a flat No? She can’t exactly go running to anyone to tell tales, now can she!?
There’s nothing in this for you. Just say no next time she asks. Don’t get into explanations. Walk away.

Cheeky fuckers come in all nationalities

I wouldn't save her a seat and just say no next time she asks for notes. I can guarantee you she'll move on to someone else very quickly in order to get what she needs.

Good luck with your degree.

No more saving her a seat. It's annoying AF when adults do this, anyhow. Then you tell her, 'This has to stop with the notes. I can't do it anymore. You need to put in the work like everyone else,' if you can't tell her to stick it.

@FuriousVexation - genuinely - why it is a waste of time and energy?

@FuriousVexation - Youre not in the UK You "forgot" to mention.

Well done for letting every single PP waste their time and energy on you.

That's a very bizarre response. The scenario is pretty generic. It's not like she was asking how to apply for planning permission to build a brothel!

I'm not in the UK but find I can offer advice to UK posters on plenty of topics. This is one of those topics. I don't feel I wasted my time in posting advice.

To the poster who suggested she might be in Ireland, I doubt it, as Blackboard, Moodle or equivalent is used in all the third level institutions I'm familiar with (I'm an academic in an Irish university). But really, it doesn't matter what country she is in.

@alreadyinchristmasmood

"It's weird but knowing now that I'm taking notes for you as well as me kind of makes me feel under pressure to do a really good job and I feel I can't relax in the lectures, so I'm just going to do it for me now."

If she says "oh no don't worry about stressing over doing a good job, just bang them up" say "yeah, funny how the mind works isn't it! Anyway good luck with it :)"

Surely she’s a friend? I’d give my friend my notes. It really wouldn’t bother me. If she isn’t a friend and you get nothing from the relationship, then that’s different.

I don’t have five children but I imagine it might well be really hard work. Perhaps your notes will be the difference in them having a better long term upbringing or not.

I totally agree with other pp that she's CF and you need to stop saving her a seat and say No when she asks for your notes.

If you're planning on practising law when you graduate OP, you will need to get used to the hustle and bustle of confrontation; that's what law is - polite confrontation with explicit rules. Look upon stopping this situation as training for your future career. I wouldn't want a solicitor or barrister who wasn't happy to get in to a verbal fight on my behalf

@OnlineShopping I tend to disagree. I'm not responsible in their long term upbringing. She is. And if she can't do it, then she shouldn't. It might sound harsh but I don't need this type of pressure in my life

@DPotter you have no idea how much you helped with this comment. I'll screenshot it and use it for the rest of the times when I can't stand up for myself.