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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she a CF or I'm being mean?

291 replies

alreadyinchristmasmood · 25/10/2019 13:36

Name changed as she might be on here and I don't want this to be linked to my usual username.

Here's my AIBU, I am trying to be as short as possible.

I'm 29 and I decided to go back to uni for my second degree last year. I met a girl who's a bit older than me and has 5 children (relevant). I work full time (though quite flexible) while doing my degree so life is a bit hectic, I feel shattered pretty much all the time. I go to uni to most of the classes (this requires a lot of effort) and take relevant and very organised notes (on my laptop). Some of the classes don't even have course material so it's just the book and what the professor says in class.

So this woman, let's call her X became my friend last year, in the first year of uni. She seemed really nice and I always kept her a seat next to me (always front or second row as otherwise you can't hear anything!) as she was always late (she still is). She kept saying that she's really busy with the children (she doesn't work) and asked for some of my notes which I was happy to help with.

Problem is now she's always late, rolls in 15-20 minutes after the class started and she sits next to me in the front row. She asks pretty much everyday for notes and I've been too ashamed to say no so far.

I realised she's taking the piss last week when she's been in town to have lunch (while I was waiting at uni for class, didn't eat anything in that day), came in 45 mins later and asked for my notes

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss. She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

AIBU? If I'm not being unreasonable how can I be assertive?

OP posts:
septembersunshine · 27/10/2019 08:18

She is just riding of your back and its a very comfortable ride. I would shake her off op. You can't carry her and her load. You have only the time and energy for your own.If she wants this she is going to have to work for it just like everyone else. Thouse notes and yours and you worked hard to create them for yourself. Don't give them to her again.

NWQM · 27/10/2019 09:04

If she is getting firsts I don't believe her laid back attitude for a second. She is doing other studying whilst letting you do the drudgery of lectures.

Personnel I really wouldn't bother to confront her - if just ignore requests or ask for for something before you send them in return.

Stop bothering to save a seat she didn't do it for you. You could ask her one more time to set this up but manage to get their on time.

Re the wedding - you haven't properly invited anyone yet. You can simply say numbers didn't allow or - more accurately- we seem to have stopped being such friends.

Justacouplemorethen · 27/10/2019 09:26

It’s great to have each other’s backs and share notes occasionally when someone misses a class due to illness etc, and good to know that you can get someone else’s notes if you are ill. But if she does it pretty much every time then that’s a whole different level and it’s not fair on you to keep carrying her through the course. Law is a detailed and difficult subject and you work hard enough in attending the lectures, concentrating enough to make sense of what is being said and getting it down in good note form. You can’t carry her and you don’t want her getting better marks based on your notes!
I think when she asks just say, ‘I’m happy to share notes when you miss the occasional lecture, but I’m not going to keep giving them to you every time. You need to make your own.’ And then keep saying no, you need to make your own, and then change the subject. You don’t need to be rude or passive aggressive, you can be polite and friendly when you say it. Good luck!

Zipperdidoodaa · 27/10/2019 09:52

Why don’t you just explain that you have been advised sharing notes could lead you both to be accused of copying if you use the same/similar phrases etc in your papers. Tell her the thought is stressing you out and because of this you are sure she will understand that you don’t feel you can continue to share notes anymore. If she argues just keep repeating that you will find it too stressful. A true friend wouldn’t want to cause you to be upset/stressed so it will be interesting to see her reaction! Good luck with your degree

MollyButton · 27/10/2019 10:01

I find it odd (my behaviour) as I've had a happy, loving family, I had acces to education and everything and my parents are definitely not doormats (you should see my mom!)... hey ho!

But did your mother allow you to have boundaries?

I did wonder if your friend was Kim Kardashian...

TowelNumber42 · 27/10/2019 10:45

Did you ever "win" in an argument about something with your parents? Or was it their way or the highway? Did they withdraw if you disagreed with them?

It is a skill to know how to have a robust dispute with someone you love then still have a nice cup of tea and a laugh about something else immediately afterwards. If you've been around people who take everything personally then you won't have learned how to do that. You'll need to learn it for work.

TowelNumber42 · 27/10/2019 10:46

I deliberately described it as a skill. It is. It can be learned at any age. It is a set of behaviours. It's not a fixed personality thing.

Original poster
alreadyinchristmasmood · 27/10/2019 11:04

@TowelNumber42 my parents always respected boundaries, no problems here. I also have a problem with MIL & boundaries but that's a whole different storyGrin

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 27/10/2019 11:08

Ask your mum for tips!

DuchessDumbarton · 27/10/2019 11:18

re the boundaries thing....if you've grown up in a family that is good at respecting your boundaries, then you may not have had to learn how to assert them.
As towel says, it's a learnable skill.

With CFs, they just don't want to see your boundaries, so they ride over them; and all the while, you are imagining that this is a reciprocal arrangement, because that is your normal.
It's not theirs.
You are just a resource for them to exploit. A "little person".

Think of this as an extra credit course alongside your regular lectures...."how to deal with CFs-101".
It will be more valuable to you than learning precedents.

DuchessDumbarton · 27/10/2019 11:21

That occurred to me also MollyButton Grin

Perhaps your "friend" is one of those very bright women who snag a "good husband" and once the child breeding is done (yes, I know misogynistic) they crack on with being brilliant at whatever they turn their hands to running the world.

I would wonder if she is someone who can get a 2:1 or even a 1 without breaking a sweat, and isn't it so handy that she met someone who gives good notes.
Is this her first degree?

Original poster
alreadyinchristmasmood · 27/10/2019 11:25

@DuchessDumbarton her second degree too!
Think of this as an extra credit course alongside your regular lectures...."how to deal with CFs-101". Love this!!!

@TowelNumber42 she told me ages ago to stop enabling herBlush

OP posts:
DuchessDumbarton · 27/10/2019 11:34

Hmmm, if I was of certain realistic unkind frame of mind, I would wonder if her first was a MRS degree, and now she means to do law.

Tell me , her DH has his own law practice or is a partner (or her father owns one)?

Original poster
alreadyinchristmasmood · 27/10/2019 11:42

@DuchessDumbarton none. Her husband owns a very sucessful business and they get some money through means I won't discuss here because I'm afraid of being outed, but it's easy to guess

OP posts:
DuchessDumbarton · 27/10/2019 12:41

Hmmm.

The more I hear, the more I imagine this is a hobby course for her.
Not that it won't be a useful skill to have, but there are lots of kudos in saying "I went back to college with 5 children and managed to finish my law degree".

It's almost a political nomination statement, isn't it?
"If I can do it, anyone can if they have a rich partner and a nanny and cleaner".

DuchessDumbarton · 27/10/2019 12:42

Strikethrough fail

TowelNumber42 · 28/10/2019 16:22

How did it go today?

Original poster
alreadyinchristmasmood · 28/10/2019 17:59

@TowelNumber42 didn't hear from her today. Waiting for the next occasion. Thanks for asking

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 28/10/2019 19:20

You must have been on pins.
Did she go to the lecture

Motherontheedge1 · 29/10/2019 11:22

Totally agree with Janaih.

If she hasn't been asked formally there's no problem. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't dream of going back on a verbal invitation but this is different. She'll know why and if she says anything I'd just say that invitation was before I realised you were taking the mick.

sadsadsad75 · 07/11/2019 13:18

Any update OP?

Original poster
alreadyinchristmasmood · 08/11/2019 07:29

Update:

Thanks to everyone on this thread, I was a bit taken aback of all the support I received here.

People, I said NO. Last week I had to skip a very important lecture because I had a meeting at work and I had to be there. She said she'll go and give me her notes after, and guess what? She didn't go. She asked soon after if I can give her my notes and I said "no, I put a lot of time and energy into coming in for several hours a day and I feel used when you constantly ask for my work". And that was it.
Then I said "gotta go" & left. She's been off with me since then. Wonder whyGrin

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 08/11/2019 07:45

Great update! Go you!

herbie01 · 08/11/2019 07:59

@alreadyinchristmasmood Well done you!!!

And thank you for updating us all!

itputsthelotiononitsskin · 08/11/2019 08:00

Coming out from lurking to say well done!
Perfectly handled.

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