Is she a CF or I'm being mean?

[alreadyinchristmasmood]

Name changed as she might be on here and I don't want this to be linked to my usual username.

Here's my AIBU, I am trying to be as short as possible.

I'm 29 and I decided to go back to uni for my second degree last year. I met a girl who's a bit older than me and has 5 children (relevant). I work full time (though quite flexible) while doing my degree so life is a bit hectic, I feel shattered pretty much all the time. I go to uni to most of the classes (this requires a lot of effort) and take relevant and very organised notes (on my laptop). Some of the classes don't even have course material so it's just the book and what the professor says in class.

So this woman, let's call her X became my friend last year, in the first year of uni. She seemed really nice and I always kept her a seat next to me (always front or second row as otherwise you can't hear anything!) as she was always late (she still is). She kept saying that she's really busy with the children (she doesn't work) and asked for some of my notes which I was happy to help with.

Problem is now she's always late, rolls in 15-20 minutes after the class started and she sits next to me in the front row. She asks pretty much everyday for notes and I've been too ashamed to say no so far.

I realised she's taking the piss last week when she's been in town to have lunch (while I was waiting at uni for class, didn't eat anything in that day), came in 45 mins later and asked for my notes

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss. She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

AIBU? If I'm not being unreasonable how can I be assertive?

She is an absolute CF! I would just smile and say 'oh no I can't do that anymore' if she asks why then say 'it's just not working for me'

Hopefully she'll just shut up!

She's a bonafide CF and you're not being mean (in fact too nice to her). Be prepared for her to react to your newfound assertive attitude. She will push back and may even go to the lecturers with a sob story. Make sure you know how to handle things if she does.

"Hi friend, I feel bad but I can't share notes anymore. I was speaking to one of the lawyers/professors and they advised me strongly that you should never share notes. I hope we don't get into any trouble for the sharing we did before'. Harmless white lie.

I was in a similar position with a friend years ago. I had established my own business in an allied health field. She asked for the brochures and letters etc I sent to medical practitioners. I gave her a run down of everything I included but it wasn't good enough, she wanted exact copies of everything. Luckily for me, a mutual friend had warned me about this friends CF behaviour and that gave me the confidence to very gently say no. She was furious and unleashed the most foul and personal verbal attack on me. It was awful. But it made me realise this was no friend. It was incredibly freeing actually. I blocked her in every way possible and have never looked back. I realised that people like that do not add anything to our lives.

You probably will find she is nasty and cuts you out, but ask yourself if she actually adds anything to your life at present. It sounds like all she does is take and demand.

She doesn't sound like a real friend, and her having 5 children doesn't make a bit of difference. She didn't just wake up one morning and discover she had to juggle a 5-kid life with no warning. She should be able to arrange things so that she's not consistently late, and I'm sure she will find a way, if there's not someone picking up her slack.

Personally, I wouldn't care if she thought I was "mean" and would probably even be glad if she left me alone and went in search of someone else to annoy. Turn it back on her (even if only in your own mind): You're not being mean. She has been taking advantage of your generosity.

It's her responsibility to step up and do her own work.

Personally I would share notes, it's not really any skin off your nose and it's not plagiarism, they're notes not assignments.

The trouble is you are missing out on a more collaborative relationship with other student. I remember sharing and comparing notes and discussing theories a lot with my fellow students but we all brought something to the party.

Sit next to others but share your notes if it's no hassle would be my course of action.

If you don't want to be confrontational just keep giving her the same copy of notes you've previously given. If she isn't there she wouldn't know what was going on. If she doesn't like it she might start turning up & taking her own notes. Either way she's a user.

Folks are missing the point in plagiarism
It is not plagiarism to copy notes
However should you use a phrase / set of phrases in those notes that you did not write for an assignment and the author of the notes uses the same phrase / set of phrases for the assignment , then the examiner / marker may think that there had been copying etc between the two students - that's the risk

Re asking her for notes or a seat, I once was about to be late (running from work actually), and I texted her to save a seat and she said she's trying and she never showed up. Last year of uni I had a terrible sinusitis and I ended up missing a full day of classes but she was on holiday that day so no notes. She gave me her notes once- they were just crap, nonsense bullet points, useless.

I just remembered she told me last week that she'll soon be on holiday with some visiting friends for 6 days. She didn't explicitly ask for the notes but pretty sure she will once she's back.

The worst part of this is that I thought she's my friend and I even invited her to my wedding next year. Can I uninvite her? This is so awkward

I’m sure when you stop giving her notes she will uninvite herself. Don’t concern yourself about something so far in the future.

I do wonder if she targeted you as a “friend” after seeing how fast you are at typing and perhaps discussing your notes, perhaps in a covert way. Or because you said you’re always there. Maybe a combo of both. Have a think about that one.

@Mummyoflittledragon I have actually thought about that, but when we first met, we became "friends" because of the age if that makes sense. I found her nice enough and even admired her for going back to uni when no longer 18 and with 5 children. Now I know how she does it. Or.... how I do it, actually

Yeah she’s a CF and her friendship with you is all about what you can do to make her life easier with zero reciprocity.

See how she responds to the no notes. If she's gracious then maybe (maybe) keep her invite to your wedding. If she's anything other than gracious then you've got zero hint of a friendship and I'd uninvited. You don't need her turning up late..or with five kids...!

• unless they're invited of course!

Tell her to buy a dictaphone and if she gives it to you, you can press record for her.
It's a better option than giving your notes and then she only hears what the professor says. I understand it's still a responsibility for you but definitely less so.
I would then flag it with staff so they are aware.

No more notes and if she's a dick about it, no wedding invite.

Are you starting to feel righteous anger enough to just say no in future even if she is upset with you?

@TowelNumber42 definitely yes. Will do it on Monday or as soon as the occasion arises

Good on you.

How the f do you uninvite someone from your wedding, though?

I suspect you won't need to uninvite her from your wedding - she will lose interest when you are no longer useful to her.

Quick email.

I've been a bit slow to realize that we are not actually friends and that you are just using me for the help I give you with my notes. So I'm stepping away and you can do what the rest of us do, turn up on time and make your own notes.

I would have stopped saving seats and giving her notes after the first time TBH. Too many people try and get out of doing things the rest of us have to and you are enabling this with her. If she wants to do the course she has to commit and put the work in herself. Who cares if she has 5 kids. Nothing to do with a degree and she is getting by on your work. Stop saving seats and if she asks you for your notes just say you won't be doing that any more as she is taking advantage of your good nature and the fact you won't confront her. She is lazy.

@Cornishclio I might sound mean again, but she is lazy and also disorganised. She even said once she sent the kids to school and then went back to sleep. I'm pretty sure it's not really about the 5 kids as it is about the fact that she's lazy.

This thread made me so angry, I realised how stupid I am for helping her so much get away with stuff. I honestly expected some posters to tell me that I'm mean. Apparently I'm just dumb

I would not say you were dumb but I do think you automatically assume everyone is as nice as you sound. Most of us will help out a friend but I am older than you and have a radar for users which your "friend" is.