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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to friend

165 replies

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 07:53

Apologies... This may be long as probably need to set scene so as not to drip feed.

Friend and have known each other since school, fairly close until university (days before mobiles were an everyone thing) when her course took her abroad. We lost touch and then recently reestablished contact after bumping into each other at her place of work.

As I recall her relationship with her parents was always strained, in her opinion they always favoured her older sibling. I don't recall ever meeting them more than once or twice so I couldn't judge if she was being melodramatic or not.

We are now adults approaching our 40's. I have had a couple of ltr's, married and divorced, am now a single parent although in a long distance relationship. She has never really had a partner, has all the free time in the world, does volunteering work with a big organisation (I do a lot of volunteering with a different organisation) and it is pretty much her only topic of conversation.

So... I have recently been able to buy my own house due to a very generous gift from my dad (he did similar years ago for my sibling) I am eternally grateful! I live in an area where house prices are low in comparison to most of the UK so was able to buy a large 3 bed terrace for dd and I. I love it! After some very unstable years it is the anchor I needed and has been a game changer for my mental health and my dd.

There is just the 2 of us at home, boyfriend visits most weekends, sometimes in the week depending on his work schedule. So I have a 'spare' bedroom. It is currently a bit of a junk room, we only moved in a few weeks ago so it's full of boxes in haven't sorted yet, stuff that needs to be put in the attic when I brave opening the hatch.

Friend is having a rough time, she lives with her parents, has done for the last 15+ years, they don't get on. From the stories she regails me with I have a huge degree of sympathy for her parents. At 40 she is still acting like a stroppy 16 year old, rebellious and down right rude and disrespectful. I haven't said this to her though. Her mum has basically told her she needs to leave sooner rather than later.

She can't afford to rent as only works part time on a low wage. She wants to try for a mortgage, good on her if she gets it it is cheaper than renting but honestly knowing her salary I think it is unlikely that with no savings she will get enough to buy what she wants. However, I have given her the details of my mortgage advisor and helped her look at what could be in her budget.

So... My aibu boils down to this... Friend came to visit the other day, having realised I have 3 bedrooms and 1 not in use she has decided that it is now her room and is going on about me sorting it out whilst I am off work (have half term off with dd) so she can move in.

I thought she was joking and just laughed a bit. She apparently wasn't joking and is now asking how much her rent would be, share of bills etc. I have said it would be zero because I'm sorry you aren't moving in, dd and I enjoy having the house to ourselves, I don't want a lodger. I have a busy job, Ed has complex health issues and I really hated house sharing at uni and have no desire to ever do it again! It is the fastest way to kill a friendship. She is calling me a cow and whinging that I am being unfair, her life at home is shit and she is being made homeless by her mum etc and basically laying on the guilt trip.

Aibu in saying no? The stories she tells me about her parents fill me with horror. If she is genuinely behaving in the way she makes out I don't blame her mum for throwing her out. I don't want or need the stress.

OP posts:
Bloomburger · 25/10/2019 07:55

She needs to get a full time job and start being an adult.

Stick to your guns.

madeyemoodysmum · 25/10/2019 07:56

Christ on a bike say no!!!

You are entitled to enjoy YOUR house as you want too. No lodgers.

She is an adult and it isn’t your responsibility to house her.

Zebraaa · 25/10/2019 07:56

Definitely YANBU. She needs to do full time hours to get a better wage to afford to rent somewhere, like the rest of the world has to do.

Don’t give in to her.

areyouafraidofthedark · 25/10/2019 07:56

Stick to your guns OP and if she doesn't stop then block her.

Sirzy · 25/10/2019 07:57

Stick to your guns.

As a single adult with no dependants then she needs to take responsibility for changing her own situation if she isn’t happy with it not expecting you to do it for her

ImpossibleGirl86 · 25/10/2019 07:58

Just ignore her now unless she starts behaving acceptably. She asked, you said no, gave her your perfectly valid reasons, and she calls you a cow? I would block her after that.

Roussette · 25/10/2019 07:58

No you're not BU !

Why should you be responsible for her living arrangements and life? It sounds like you have been a sympathetic friend, and you're offering practical help but honestly, that is it, stick to your guns and don't sort the room out!

A friend who has helped out another friend should not be called a cow! I'd seriously think about putting some distance between the two of you because you know she's not going to let this drop is she...

Blahdyblahblahblah · 25/10/2019 07:58

Oh god no, make it clear that this is not happening! What a CF!

Dinosaurrawr · 25/10/2019 07:59

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. If you think it’s hard to say no now how do you ever think you would get her to leave?

NonUrinatInVentum · 25/10/2019 07:59

Good lord! Cheeky beggar. YADNBU

Say no and stick to it. Don't discuss and no excuse. Biggest brass neck I've ever heard of.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/10/2019 08:01

Stay strong! You’re doing well!Flowers

Notthebradybunch · 25/10/2019 08:01

No way OP, she sounds like too much hard work, you don't need the stress in your home where you should feel relaxed and happy!

Strangerthingshere · 25/10/2019 08:02

Don't back down, she will be a nightmare! No no no!

Iloveacurry · 25/10/2019 08:04

Her life choices are not your problem. She needs to get a full time job if she wants to get a mortgage. She sounds very unpleasant.

Hahaha88 · 25/10/2019 08:04

That's a firm no. Tell her to grow up, get a ft job and starting being an adult. And call her out on her behaviour to her parents

Numptydumptycat · 25/10/2019 08:05

You could have left out all of the backstory and I would still think she is being completely unreasonable.

I agree with the poster upthread who has said to uphold your boundaries with her now until she starts to behave herself. She asked, you refused, if she continues being a shit because you refused an unreasonable request it is time to end the friendship.

Perpetuallyperplexed27 · 25/10/2019 08:06

Absolutely not. She sounds like a nightmare and her moving in would definitely destroy your friendship, then you'd be stuck with her while she finds somewhere else. Stick to your guns.

MoobaaMoobaa · 25/10/2019 08:06

The stories she tells me about her parents fill me with horror. If she is genuinely behaving in the way she makes out I don't blame her mum for throwing her out

She is calling me a cow and whinging that I am being unfair, her life at home is shit and she is being made homeless by her mum etc and basically laying on the guilt trip

Yep they stories sound true, as displayed by her horrible behaviour to you.

After calling you a cow and other things, I'd just completely block her. She sounds like a such a nasty, lazy person. You'd be better off without all her dramatics in your life.

Don't feel guilty, she's 40!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 25/10/2019 08:06

Do not give her even an inch. You will never be rid of her. She needs to grow up and fast.

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 08:07

Thank you for your replies.

@Dinosaurrawr honestly that's my biggest concern!

I will certainly be creating a distance between us... I am starting to remember why we lost touch to be honest!

If it was a case of she had somewhere else in pipeline ie buying her own place and it was just for a couple of weeks then I'd maybe think differently. However the thought of her being here indefinitely with tenant rights is the stuff of nightmares!

OP posts:
quincejamplease · 25/10/2019 08:07

Define friend.

vincettenoir · 25/10/2019 08:07

There’s not really much of a dilemma here, especially if she called you a cow.

lyralalala · 25/10/2019 08:08

Whatever you do don’t let her stay for a week or even a few nights as she’ll never leave

Sushiroller · 25/10/2019 08:09

You know yanbu - say no and if it comes up again tell her she needs to stop the emotional manipulation and respect your decision.

LetThemEatDrama · 25/10/2019 08:09

Even if she was a dream to live with and even if it had been your idea initially, she hadn't asked you like a CF'er then I'd still say think incredibly carefully about it. With the situation as it is you are definitely not being unreasonable, I wouldn't consider the idea for a second, it sounds like it'd be hellish all round. Sorry to judge her harshly but I'd even be very careful of a 'I've been chucked out can I stay just a couple of nights' scenario cropping up when she realises she can't twist your arm.