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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to friend

165 replies

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 07:53

Apologies... This may be long as probably need to set scene so as not to drip feed.

Friend and have known each other since school, fairly close until university (days before mobiles were an everyone thing) when her course took her abroad. We lost touch and then recently reestablished contact after bumping into each other at her place of work.

As I recall her relationship with her parents was always strained, in her opinion they always favoured her older sibling. I don't recall ever meeting them more than once or twice so I couldn't judge if she was being melodramatic or not.

We are now adults approaching our 40's. I have had a couple of ltr's, married and divorced, am now a single parent although in a long distance relationship. She has never really had a partner, has all the free time in the world, does volunteering work with a big organisation (I do a lot of volunteering with a different organisation) and it is pretty much her only topic of conversation.

So... I have recently been able to buy my own house due to a very generous gift from my dad (he did similar years ago for my sibling) I am eternally grateful! I live in an area where house prices are low in comparison to most of the UK so was able to buy a large 3 bed terrace for dd and I. I love it! After some very unstable years it is the anchor I needed and has been a game changer for my mental health and my dd.

There is just the 2 of us at home, boyfriend visits most weekends, sometimes in the week depending on his work schedule. So I have a 'spare' bedroom. It is currently a bit of a junk room, we only moved in a few weeks ago so it's full of boxes in haven't sorted yet, stuff that needs to be put in the attic when I brave opening the hatch.

Friend is having a rough time, she lives with her parents, has done for the last 15+ years, they don't get on. From the stories she regails me with I have a huge degree of sympathy for her parents. At 40 she is still acting like a stroppy 16 year old, rebellious and down right rude and disrespectful. I haven't said this to her though. Her mum has basically told her she needs to leave sooner rather than later.

She can't afford to rent as only works part time on a low wage. She wants to try for a mortgage, good on her if she gets it it is cheaper than renting but honestly knowing her salary I think it is unlikely that with no savings she will get enough to buy what she wants. However, I have given her the details of my mortgage advisor and helped her look at what could be in her budget.

So... My aibu boils down to this... Friend came to visit the other day, having realised I have 3 bedrooms and 1 not in use she has decided that it is now her room and is going on about me sorting it out whilst I am off work (have half term off with dd) so she can move in.

I thought she was joking and just laughed a bit. She apparently wasn't joking and is now asking how much her rent would be, share of bills etc. I have said it would be zero because I'm sorry you aren't moving in, dd and I enjoy having the house to ourselves, I don't want a lodger. I have a busy job, Ed has complex health issues and I really hated house sharing at uni and have no desire to ever do it again! It is the fastest way to kill a friendship. She is calling me a cow and whinging that I am being unfair, her life at home is shit and she is being made homeless by her mum etc and basically laying on the guilt trip.

Aibu in saying no? The stories she tells me about her parents fill me with horror. If she is genuinely behaving in the way she makes out I don't blame her mum for throwing her out. I don't want or need the stress.

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/10/2019 08:30

Also your child should not be around someone like this. And you would never, ever be able to get this'friend' or of your house once she was in

SlackerMum1 · 25/10/2019 08:30

Fuck no! And don’t feel remotely bad or selfish about it for a second. We all do things we don’t really want to for friends/ family/ community but there is a hard limit of what’s acceptable. Getting conned into making the mince pies for the PTA bake sale because you were too polite to say is one thing... expecting someone to let you move into their house indefinitely with no guarantee you’ll pay up is definitely beyond the realms of normal social behaviour (on her part)!

DonkeyHotty · 25/10/2019 08:33

I think we as women are conditioned to be nice and we get our boundaries confused because of this. Not you personally op, just I think there’s a social and cultural pressure to do so. It’s only now that I’m in my mid-forties that I’m becoming a lot less bothered about saying no.

DonkeyHotty · 25/10/2019 08:34

And it’s not just you but also your dd that you need to put first. She has as much right to a stable happy home than your friend.

DonkeyHotty · 25/10/2019 08:34

Sorry - as your friend.

NearlyGranny · 25/10/2019 08:34

YANBU. You never invited her, she never even asked, just assumed!

You are not her mother or her sister. You kno
W it won't work and your decision is made.

She needs to stop pressuring you or lose the friendship. Giving excuses just engages and encourages her to keep pushing. You only need one word: no.

Keep telling her what you will do to help, but keep you no to her moving in clear and simple.

AlpacaGoodnight · 25/10/2019 08:35

This would be my nightmare! Stick to your choice!

Penners99 · 25/10/2019 08:36

No, no and HELL NO!

RockinHippy · 25/10/2019 08:36

This woman child needs to grow the fuck up, NO, YADNBU, stick to your guns & never let her cross your doorstep even to stay as she's a CF who probably won't leave

Derbee · 25/10/2019 08:37

How refreshing to read a thread where someone has shut down a CF right from the beginning. Stick you your guns. You are completely correct

flouncyfanny · 25/10/2019 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAreStardustWeAreGolden · 25/10/2019 08:38

She needs to grow up

SVRT19674 · 25/10/2019 08:41

Block and delete. Shell become a cocklodger without the cock bit. The cheek has left me speechless!!!

diddl · 25/10/2019 08:42

She sounds awful.

I can't help thinking that you can't be such good friends as you have been out of touch for 20(?) years & only met again by chance.

Well, it's a no anyway!

GlitteredAcorns · 25/10/2019 08:43

I wouldn't even let her stay one night after a night out or something like that. She'd never leave. In fact, I'd be cooling off this friendship altogether.

Xalia · 25/10/2019 08:45

YANBU, repeat to her and repeat again NO

I'm sure women are pre programmed to feel uncomfortable saying NO!!!!

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 08:46

@donkeyhotty I think you are spot on.

I know I'm not being unreasonable, I haven't been rude to her, I have explained my reasons. I'm hoping if I don't speak to her for a few weeks she'll get the message!

Dd has been really unsettled since her dad and I split. She was really angry with me for splitting up her family and moving out. She has been like a different kid since we moved here. It's like a switch was flipped. She is calm, loving, fun, settled, sleeping for the first time in 6 years.... She no longer hates me and there is no way in hell I am ruining that for anyone... Even the bf knows that even if we decide to take the next step in a few years, the second it effects Dd in a negative way he's off back to his own house!

OP posts:
Xalia · 25/10/2019 08:48

Just to add, treat her as the child she is or unwanted advances from a male and say "No means No"

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/10/2019 08:48

I feel sorry for her parents!

Definitely don't allow her into your 'spare' room. A room is only 'spare' if there is no purpose for it. You have a purpose for it. It's your office/den/relaxation/mancave. Not a guest room.

Be selfish. Too many of us aren't and we find ourselves in difficult situations as a result and afraid to hurt someone else's feelings.

Tell her no, now.

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/10/2019 08:52

No wonder the parents want shot of her. Please don’t feel guilty.

regmover · 25/10/2019 08:55

I sometimes wonder at what point you just say to a "friend" that they've been so rude to you that you never want to hear from them again. I think I'd have reached that point in your shoes.

MrsNoMopp · 25/10/2019 08:57

YANBU to say no. It sounds like your friend could do with some therapy to get her to a more independent place. If she has always had problems with her parents she may be pretty scared of adult life underneath. It sounds like she's trying to put you in a 'substitute parent' position but that will not solve her problems.

woodymiller · 25/10/2019 09:01

Putting your DD's and your own needs first is not selfish, it's good parenting. As the saying goes on here No is a complete sentence. Your friend could easily have saved a deposit, got herself in a position where she was a suitable mortgage candidate. After the way she spoke I wouldn't even be that dignified try the other MN chestnut FOTTFSOF.

Ellie56 · 25/10/2019 09:02

Eek! No! What a cheeky self entitled self absorbed bitch she is.You do not have to share your home with anyone if you don't want to and you certainly don't want to do anything that may potentially unsettle DD.

YANBU and well done for putting your foot down from the start. All too often these threads are started by people who are struggling to say, "No," in the first place.

And I think I would be spending half term very quickly turning the "spare bedroom" into an office.

Ohffs66 · 25/10/2019 09:05

This happened to me years ago. I had a spare bedroom and a friend had been given notice on the rented flat she shared. They'd had plenty of notice and the other flatmates had all found somewhere to live (They'd all decided not to continue sharing for various reasons). All my friend did was whinge about how she was being made homeless and how unfair it was etc etc. The big date was approaching and as she'd done bugger all to find anywhere she asked if she could stay with me. No probs I said, just for a few weeks while she found somewhere. Next thing I know she's measuring up in my spare room to see where all her furniture would fit and working out a monthly schedule of when I'd have my boyfriend to visit and when hers would come! I sent a very polite email pretty much setting out what you did, welcome for a few weeks, live on my own for a reason etc etc. She threw a massive wobbler, called me all the names under the sun to mutual friends and told them I wasn't prepared to help her out (I was just not indefinitely) and didn't speak to me for the best part of a year.

Some people are totally incapable of seeing past their own wants / needs. Do Not Give In!!!

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