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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to friend

165 replies

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 07:53

Apologies... This may be long as probably need to set scene so as not to drip feed.

Friend and have known each other since school, fairly close until university (days before mobiles were an everyone thing) when her course took her abroad. We lost touch and then recently reestablished contact after bumping into each other at her place of work.

As I recall her relationship with her parents was always strained, in her opinion they always favoured her older sibling. I don't recall ever meeting them more than once or twice so I couldn't judge if she was being melodramatic or not.

We are now adults approaching our 40's. I have had a couple of ltr's, married and divorced, am now a single parent although in a long distance relationship. She has never really had a partner, has all the free time in the world, does volunteering work with a big organisation (I do a lot of volunteering with a different organisation) and it is pretty much her only topic of conversation.

So... I have recently been able to buy my own house due to a very generous gift from my dad (he did similar years ago for my sibling) I am eternally grateful! I live in an area where house prices are low in comparison to most of the UK so was able to buy a large 3 bed terrace for dd and I. I love it! After some very unstable years it is the anchor I needed and has been a game changer for my mental health and my dd.

There is just the 2 of us at home, boyfriend visits most weekends, sometimes in the week depending on his work schedule. So I have a 'spare' bedroom. It is currently a bit of a junk room, we only moved in a few weeks ago so it's full of boxes in haven't sorted yet, stuff that needs to be put in the attic when I brave opening the hatch.

Friend is having a rough time, she lives with her parents, has done for the last 15+ years, they don't get on. From the stories she regails me with I have a huge degree of sympathy for her parents. At 40 she is still acting like a stroppy 16 year old, rebellious and down right rude and disrespectful. I haven't said this to her though. Her mum has basically told her she needs to leave sooner rather than later.

She can't afford to rent as only works part time on a low wage. She wants to try for a mortgage, good on her if she gets it it is cheaper than renting but honestly knowing her salary I think it is unlikely that with no savings she will get enough to buy what she wants. However, I have given her the details of my mortgage advisor and helped her look at what could be in her budget.

So... My aibu boils down to this... Friend came to visit the other day, having realised I have 3 bedrooms and 1 not in use she has decided that it is now her room and is going on about me sorting it out whilst I am off work (have half term off with dd) so she can move in.

I thought she was joking and just laughed a bit. She apparently wasn't joking and is now asking how much her rent would be, share of bills etc. I have said it would be zero because I'm sorry you aren't moving in, dd and I enjoy having the house to ourselves, I don't want a lodger. I have a busy job, Ed has complex health issues and I really hated house sharing at uni and have no desire to ever do it again! It is the fastest way to kill a friendship. She is calling me a cow and whinging that I am being unfair, her life at home is shit and she is being made homeless by her mum etc and basically laying on the guilt trip.

Aibu in saying no? The stories she tells me about her parents fill me with horror. If she is genuinely behaving in the way she makes out I don't blame her mum for throwing her out. I don't want or need the stress.

OP posts:
Wattagoose90 · 25/10/2019 09:50

Wow!! YANBU at all. You'd end up having to mother her by the sounds of it. You're finally getting yourself and your daughter settled and here she is wanting to rock the boat.

If she's after a house share (which probably will be more viable as it sounds like she'd struggle to secure a mortgage, and is much cheaper than renting a whole place) there are websites that exist specifically for this. Your house isn't her only option.

She's massively taking advantage of your new situation so I wouldn't feel bad for putting your family first, it doesn't sound like she's given you a second thought.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 25/10/2019 09:51

She's never left home and she's never grown-up.

It sounds as though her parents have kept her as a "child" but are now sick of her tantrums etc. It sin't your responsibility to help her grow up any more than you are currently doing - suggesting mortgage brokers etc and other practical ways to help her stand on her own two feet.

You have a DD - you don't need another one, because that is what she would become. She'd be a joy in the house for the first fortnight, and then would slip into a life of selfish entitlement where you would end up doing her washing, cleaning, cooking, subsidising her - and you would get her constant complaints, and as others have said SHE WOULD NEVER LEAVE! Not without a huge amount of disruption, anyway.

You can't risk destroying your newly-rebuilt relationship with your DD, or the one with your DP, for her sake.

Stand firm.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 25/10/2019 09:52

Cross-post Goose

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/10/2019 09:53

If someone stops being friends with you because you decline to let them live in your house, it wasn’t much of a friendship.

Drum2018 · 25/10/2019 09:58

Agree with everyone else. Glad you've already told her it's a no. I wouldn't ever let her stay for a night - she'd never leave. If she has the cheek to bring it up again just be firm in saying 'No, I have no intention of having a lodger'. You don't need to give her reasons. If she continues to have a strop over it then ditch her. Nobody needs a 'friend' like that.

NoSquirrels · 25/10/2019 09:59

You've acted perfectly so far, saying a firm NO and giving your (extremely valid) reasons for it.

She's not a parent, she's never lived with anyone else, she won't get it. That doesn't mean you need to do anything different. You have your own responsibilities.

CatteStreet · 25/10/2019 09:59

Her behaviour to her parents, whether they or she are in the wrong here etc. are all irrelevant. She could be the most lovely, angelic, wonderful, mistreated person in the world, and her parents the worst, most evil monsters, and it would still be absolutely fine for you to say no to her request, because your home is your and dd's sanctuary. Similarly, you don't need to do a FT job and volunteering to 'earn' your own space. You could spend all your spare time sitting around eating biscuits and watching Netflix and it would still be your right to say no.

There are people who operate like this - zone in on what they see as 'better' situations of others and decide they are entitled to some of that because life hasn't been so kind to them. I've encountered them WRT childcare favours. Sounds as if she's one of them. And it also sounds as if she has no filter whatsoever (calling you a cow? As a way of pressuring you to change your mind?), which makes your task of standing firm easier.

Ontheboardwalk · 25/10/2019 10:03

It’s a nope from me.

Don’t even let her in for a night or two or you'll never get her out. My friend did this for another friend, 18 months later he’s still there

Assume the room in question is a box room? Wouldn’t put it past her demanding she swaps rooms with your daughter as she’s an adult and needs a larger room...

victoria0132 · 25/10/2019 10:04

Absolutely not, think about how your daughter would feel too. Once she's in it'll be very difficult to get her out again. Your relationship with your daughter is much more important than this manipulative 'friendship'

Butchyrestingface · 25/10/2019 10:06

She can't afford to rent as only works part time on a low wage.

Is there a reason she only works part-time?

Your 'friend' has more cheek than a baboon's arse.

PlasticPatty · 25/10/2019 10:06

Definitely do not let her in. Don't have her even overnight.
You and your daughter deserve to be happy in your new home. Carry on saying 'No' and meaning it.

dontdoxmeeither · 25/10/2019 10:09

Ye GADS no! Her poor parents.

Sooo glad you said a firm NO straight off the bat. Don't you let her make you feel guilty for a nanosecond.

Enjoy your lovely home Thanks

Butchyrestingface · 25/10/2019 10:10

Why didn't you just say this? It wouldn't have killed your friendship so fast.

You think Petra Pan would have just graciously accepted OP's need for office space over her need to impose?

krustykittens · 25/10/2019 10:11

Your 'friend' isn't looking to live with you, she is looking to you to subsidise her, like her parents have. Nor is she a friend. You're not even close, according to you, so why on earth would you put up with being called a cow for not letting her move in and become your second child? I am glad you said no, stay firm!

Beautiful3 · 25/10/2019 10:11

Yanbu at all. Hell if you allow her to stay, it's goingto be for ever!!! Your family comes first, not a friend! I would put some distance between you, she acting very entitled. What next, she needs to drive your car at the weekends because she doesnt have one?!

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2019 10:12

Oh Jesus christ no no no, even if she was the nicest most courteous friend ever I wouldn't fancy it but she sounds like a massive pain in the arse

milliefiori · 25/10/2019 10:17

Of course YANBU and well done for saying no. If you are a cow because you don;t bow down to her every need, then good. She will get pissed off and slope away to find someone else to harangue and use. You are well shot of anyone like that. Move on from the friendship.

Since you are brave enough to tell her No, maybe you can tell her that you hate the way she is trying to bully and manipulate you and unless she apologises and drops the subject you won't be able to maintain the friendship.

The older I get the more I loathe leechy 'friends'. I have none now. I weeded them all out. It's so nice never to have your heart sink when a friend gets in touch.

MissMarpletheMurderer · 25/10/2019 10:17

Equally she couldn't afford to live with you, 20 hours a week wouldn't cover her rent, bills, food, lifestyle and current commitments. Whilst she might pay her parents rent I bet she just uses the toiletries/fridge contents (ketchup, mayo, milk etc even if she buys her own main meal) also you would lose your council tax discount so she'd have to pay that, your insurance would go up with having a lodger, you'd have to take a deposit just in case she damaged something. Plus you know she will expect you to cook her dinner (aw but you're cooking for two anyway, what's one more plate?)
Just more reasons for yourself to know you are not being a cow!

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2019 10:20

@FantasticButtocks That was a good read, thanks for sharing it

Beveren · 25/10/2019 10:20

Interesting that she "can't afford to rent" but apparently thinks she can afford to rent the room at your house. Something tells me she's expecting you to charge a ridiculously low rent.

If she persists, point her towards job search websites like Indeed, and towards bedsit/flatsharing websites because once she has a full time job she should certainly be able to rent.

bibliomania · 25/10/2019 10:22

I think you should do it for the sake of Mumsnet. Think of all the jawdroppingly awful threads that would ensure.

Honestly, your life would be pretty miserable, with no end in sight.

SureTry · 25/10/2019 10:25

I was friends with a woman child (early 40s) like this, she has done all of life's milestone events (moved bf in and had a child) whilst living under her parents roof. In turn it has meant she is an entitled individual who doesn't work and plays at being a grown. Stick to your guns people like this are a nightmare! Leave her parents to deal with the problem they created.

Orangecake123 · 25/10/2019 10:32

I love my friend, but I love having my own space more.

Keep saying NO.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/10/2019 10:34

I have been thinking of this thread since I posted earlier and it would be remiss of me not to post that I think it is a VERY bad idea to give this 40 year old woman a key to your house and to let her move in.

It reminded me greatly of another thread where a 'friend' just wouldn't leave - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3687778-Unwanted-lodger-I-need-advice - that link is to the second thread in the saga.

I guarantee that if she gets one foot in the door, she won't leave.

Lightinthewindow · 25/10/2019 10:38

Don’t give in to her no matter what she says. Even if she says she has found somewhere and is moving in in a couple of weeks/months and she asks if she can stay at yours until she moves in, if it fell through you would never get rid of her.