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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to friend

165 replies

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 07:53

Apologies... This may be long as probably need to set scene so as not to drip feed.

Friend and have known each other since school, fairly close until university (days before mobiles were an everyone thing) when her course took her abroad. We lost touch and then recently reestablished contact after bumping into each other at her place of work.

As I recall her relationship with her parents was always strained, in her opinion they always favoured her older sibling. I don't recall ever meeting them more than once or twice so I couldn't judge if she was being melodramatic or not.

We are now adults approaching our 40's. I have had a couple of ltr's, married and divorced, am now a single parent although in a long distance relationship. She has never really had a partner, has all the free time in the world, does volunteering work with a big organisation (I do a lot of volunteering with a different organisation) and it is pretty much her only topic of conversation.

So... I have recently been able to buy my own house due to a very generous gift from my dad (he did similar years ago for my sibling) I am eternally grateful! I live in an area where house prices are low in comparison to most of the UK so was able to buy a large 3 bed terrace for dd and I. I love it! After some very unstable years it is the anchor I needed and has been a game changer for my mental health and my dd.

There is just the 2 of us at home, boyfriend visits most weekends, sometimes in the week depending on his work schedule. So I have a 'spare' bedroom. It is currently a bit of a junk room, we only moved in a few weeks ago so it's full of boxes in haven't sorted yet, stuff that needs to be put in the attic when I brave opening the hatch.

Friend is having a rough time, she lives with her parents, has done for the last 15+ years, they don't get on. From the stories she regails me with I have a huge degree of sympathy for her parents. At 40 she is still acting like a stroppy 16 year old, rebellious and down right rude and disrespectful. I haven't said this to her though. Her mum has basically told her she needs to leave sooner rather than later.

She can't afford to rent as only works part time on a low wage. She wants to try for a mortgage, good on her if she gets it it is cheaper than renting but honestly knowing her salary I think it is unlikely that with no savings she will get enough to buy what she wants. However, I have given her the details of my mortgage advisor and helped her look at what could be in her budget.

So... My aibu boils down to this... Friend came to visit the other day, having realised I have 3 bedrooms and 1 not in use she has decided that it is now her room and is going on about me sorting it out whilst I am off work (have half term off with dd) so she can move in.

I thought she was joking and just laughed a bit. She apparently wasn't joking and is now asking how much her rent would be, share of bills etc. I have said it would be zero because I'm sorry you aren't moving in, dd and I enjoy having the house to ourselves, I don't want a lodger. I have a busy job, Ed has complex health issues and I really hated house sharing at uni and have no desire to ever do it again! It is the fastest way to kill a friendship. She is calling me a cow and whinging that I am being unfair, her life at home is shit and she is being made homeless by her mum etc and basically laying on the guilt trip.

Aibu in saying no? The stories she tells me about her parents fill me with horror. If she is genuinely behaving in the way she makes out I don't blame her mum for throwing her out. I don't want or need the stress.

OP posts:
user1480880826 · 25/10/2019 15:11

She sounds unhinged. Who invited themselves to live with someone?!

Why does she spend so much time volunteering whilst complaining about having no money? Why not just get a full time job?

Spidey66 · 25/10/2019 15:17

Her life at home can't be that bad, or else why hasn't she moved out before????

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 25/10/2019 16:39

I suspect that she's worded her "request" and her whiney response deliberately, so that if you say "no" she can pretend it was a joke, but if you say "yes" she would be into your spare room with all of her stuff by the time you pressed "send".

ActualHornist · 25/10/2019 17:57

She sounds like a nightmare.

I wouldn’t get embroiled in what other things you want to use the room for. It’ll just make her push for ‘just a little while’ as it’ll sound like an excuse.

Just tell her no. Sorry, but no. I don’t want a lodger.

xJodiex · 26/10/2019 13:02

''It was over a text so you can never be sure. It was sort of a "aww stop being a cow, mum is going to make me homeless"''

Blimey, she's the one who's being a manipulative c*w, actually. What a thing to say to someone who is meant to be your friend, she does not sound very nice. Hmm

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 26/10/2019 13:15

Don't let her inside the door!!!! Not so long ago a poster here posted about how she let her friend stay occasionally in her guest room. Friend had moved away and once a month or so came back for work.

Ended up with friend more or less moving in rent free and refusing to move out.

She sounds petulant and stroppy? Is there a very good, genuine reason she cannot work full time? Her adult life is not your responsibility. If she is telling you things from HER perspective, and you are sympathising with her mother, imagine how bad she actually is. Usually we paint ourselves in the best light when complaining about someone else!!

No. Just no. Keep saying no. Do not empty out that room until she has found somewhere else to live. Because if you empty it she will move in "just for a night or 2".

Keep saying no. It might affect your friendship, but if you let her inside your door it will definitely end your friendship.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/10/2019 13:20

I wouldn’t be helping anyone who insulted me.

Potnoodledoo · 26/10/2019 13:30

It never ceases to amaze me the way so called adults go on.

I would just say to her no,its not happening.Dont give excuses.

Silentlysinking101 · 02/11/2019 22:03

Thanks for everyone's advice.

Cf friend messaged this week wanting to meet up, I agreed as long as it was for dinner out as dd has been ill.

She was actually quite nice about everything. She did moan again about home and asked my opinion on what she should do. I did refrain from telling her to grow the fuck up.

However, I did tell her that I had a lot of sympathy for her parents. It can't be easy for them in their retirement to have a stroppy teenager under their roof. That whilst her mum might not be handling it the right way either, still having cf there after 13 years when she probably only banked on 6 months was probably starting to grate and that she maybe needed to try speaking to her mum and admit that she has been a bit of a knob.

She does 25 hours but only earns about £12k, I think she would struggle to even rent without a guarantor (ex letting agency manager so know a lot of the local companies processes) and suggested she speak to her parents about going guarantor, and if clutter was one of the niggles with her mum then perhaps hiring a storage locker and clearing out anything non essential might at least calm the waters.

I also told her that at a few weeks off 40 she really needed to get a proper grown up full time job. Min 37 hours, increase her earnings meaning she can afford better areas to rent and stands a chance of getting a mortgage etc.

She actually took it very well! I have offered to help her with her cv and help her prep for interviews etc, but kept all talk of my house off the table!

OP posts:
MoobaaMoobaa · 02/11/2019 22:15

Oh well done, managing to say all that and not upset her must have been difficult.

Silentlysinking101 · 02/11/2019 22:33

@Moobaamoobaa she seemed to take it all OK, whether she has gone away upset I don't know, but frankly it needed saying. I'm not normally the sort of person who would risk the confrontation of telling her the truth, but I don't see I have anything to lose. She is a lovely person when she isn't in full bitch about home mode. She doesn't have many friends, more lots of people she knows who from the sounds of it don't see her as important in their lives as she seems to think she is/ought to be.

She was good company last night and we gad a good laugh.

OP posts:
MoobaaMoobaa · 02/11/2019 22:36

aww sometimes friends have speak plainly. I glad you both had a good night too.

FlamingoQueen · 02/11/2019 22:38

No! Not even for one night.

Interestedwoman · 02/11/2019 22:40

You said 'no' to her very clearly as soon as she asked. Well done. xxx

Beautiful3 · 03/11/2019 15:51

That's a great update op.

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