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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to friend

165 replies

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 07:53

Apologies... This may be long as probably need to set scene so as not to drip feed.

Friend and have known each other since school, fairly close until university (days before mobiles were an everyone thing) when her course took her abroad. We lost touch and then recently reestablished contact after bumping into each other at her place of work.

As I recall her relationship with her parents was always strained, in her opinion they always favoured her older sibling. I don't recall ever meeting them more than once or twice so I couldn't judge if she was being melodramatic or not.

We are now adults approaching our 40's. I have had a couple of ltr's, married and divorced, am now a single parent although in a long distance relationship. She has never really had a partner, has all the free time in the world, does volunteering work with a big organisation (I do a lot of volunteering with a different organisation) and it is pretty much her only topic of conversation.

So... I have recently been able to buy my own house due to a very generous gift from my dad (he did similar years ago for my sibling) I am eternally grateful! I live in an area where house prices are low in comparison to most of the UK so was able to buy a large 3 bed terrace for dd and I. I love it! After some very unstable years it is the anchor I needed and has been a game changer for my mental health and my dd.

There is just the 2 of us at home, boyfriend visits most weekends, sometimes in the week depending on his work schedule. So I have a 'spare' bedroom. It is currently a bit of a junk room, we only moved in a few weeks ago so it's full of boxes in haven't sorted yet, stuff that needs to be put in the attic when I brave opening the hatch.

Friend is having a rough time, she lives with her parents, has done for the last 15+ years, they don't get on. From the stories she regails me with I have a huge degree of sympathy for her parents. At 40 she is still acting like a stroppy 16 year old, rebellious and down right rude and disrespectful. I haven't said this to her though. Her mum has basically told her she needs to leave sooner rather than later.

She can't afford to rent as only works part time on a low wage. She wants to try for a mortgage, good on her if she gets it it is cheaper than renting but honestly knowing her salary I think it is unlikely that with no savings she will get enough to buy what she wants. However, I have given her the details of my mortgage advisor and helped her look at what could be in her budget.

So... My aibu boils down to this... Friend came to visit the other day, having realised I have 3 bedrooms and 1 not in use she has decided that it is now her room and is going on about me sorting it out whilst I am off work (have half term off with dd) so she can move in.

I thought she was joking and just laughed a bit. She apparently wasn't joking and is now asking how much her rent would be, share of bills etc. I have said it would be zero because I'm sorry you aren't moving in, dd and I enjoy having the house to ourselves, I don't want a lodger. I have a busy job, Ed has complex health issues and I really hated house sharing at uni and have no desire to ever do it again! It is the fastest way to kill a friendship. She is calling me a cow and whinging that I am being unfair, her life at home is shit and she is being made homeless by her mum etc and basically laying on the guilt trip.

Aibu in saying no? The stories she tells me about her parents fill me with horror. If she is genuinely behaving in the way she makes out I don't blame her mum for throwing her out. I don't want or need the stress.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 25/10/2019 10:42

A resounding YANBU!

It will be her jeopardising the friendship if she carries on whinging and calling you a cow (BTW why did you put up with that?).

If she carries on, tell her clearly you want to continue being friends but she is not moving in and she needs to stop talking about it. And to speak to you civilly if she does want to continue being friends.

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 12:46

Apologies, dd and I have had a morning shopping for christmas pj's for her dad. She is with me and bf for Christmas itself, but her dad is coming to us for Christmas eve for party tea, Christmas eve box etc, so pj's all round (there is an exceptionally poor choice for men!). First Christmas in the house is very exciting and first time we will all have been together....definitely do not want or need any more awkwardness courtesy of womanchild!

@bibliomania your post has properly made me snort my cola in Maccys (half term treat for dd) trying to stifle the giggles! God can you imagine it?!

The sad thing is she is a lovely person. She just still behaves like she did at school.

As for working part time, no reason, just a choice I think. She has never had a full time job as far as I can work out.

OP posts:
Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 12:50

@darlingnikita because I am half hoping she meant it in a jokey way. It was over a text so you can never be sure. It was sort of a "aww stop being a cow, mum is going to make me homeless" As I say she isn't a bitch but it's one of those is she/isn't she and if she is how much of a serious undertone is there.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 25/10/2019 12:52

OK, fair enough. I guess you'll know if she does it again, in person and not in a joky tone...

messolini9 · 25/10/2019 12:57

She is calling me a cow and whinging that I am being unfair, her life at home is shit and she is being made homeless by her mum etc and basically laying on the guilt trip.

& I bet this is the sort of entitled shit she pulls on her parents.
Even if it isn't. & she is the villain of her family, WTF is she still doing at home aged 40?
Nobody is forcing her to stay there.
Nobody is forcing her to work part time, & volunteer instead of choosing a full time job that would afford her rent/mortgage.

YANBU.
Neither you or your DD need this drama & stress in your home.

You also wouldn't be doing your old friend any favours by enabling her teenaged attitude that the world owes her a roof over her head.

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 12:59

@darlingnikita of she does it in person she will definitely be minus a friend! As others have suggested, future meet ups will be away from my house, and as I tend to pick her up if we go out as I don't drink she will also find herself abandoned in a remote country pub!

I feel a lot calmer knowing you lovely folks see things the same way as me and that my reasons for saying no are valid. I am definitely a people pleaser and am appalling at saying no to people... Probably why I am still volunteering after 23 years!

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 25/10/2019 13:00

Jesus wept! Do NOT let her or the boyfriend move in. WTAF is actually wrong with telling her, 'NO, not going to happen, space has already been designated for another use'?

She is calling me a cow and whinging that I am being unfair, her life at home is shit and she is being made homeless by her mum etc and basically laying on the guilt trip

This isn't a friend. Friends don't do this. You have very skewed boundaries if you put up with behaviour like this. She's not 'lovely', that's a horrible thing to say to a person because they won't give you a room in their house!

WTAF?

Stop even engaging with her.

messolini9 · 25/10/2019 13:01

I think she sees me as being selfish.

Yes, that is the usual call of the selfish hypocrite.

rebecca102 · 25/10/2019 13:01

Omg you don't even have to ask surely, bloody hell NO WAY would I let her move in. Do not give in, I can seeing it ending extremely badly. Think about your DD op

timshelthechoice · 25/10/2019 13:03

You are fooling yourself if you think she's going to drop this or she won't do it in person. The flip side of 'people pleaser' is being used and mistreated, which you are. Why are you bothering with 'future meet ups' that you pick her up to attend? Just cut her loose. She suggests something you tell her you have plans, can't make it. There's a very good reason you fell out of touch and you are now being reminded of this. You don't need such a user in your life.

messolini9 · 25/10/2019 13:06

Next thing I know she's measuring up in my spare room to see where all her furniture would fit and working out a monthly schedule of when I'd have my boyfriend to visit and when hers would come!

Jeez, @Ohffs66! - guffaws of appalled laughter at the level of CFery here. She actually felt entitled to set a schedule of when you were allowed to see your own b/f IN YOUR OWN HOME?!

Ha ha ha ha ha! You are SUCH a mardy bitch for not instantly knuckling under your 'friends' regime ...

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 13:08

@messolini9 her mum got her the job when she came back from her university town a couple of years after she graduated. I suspect she thought it would be temporary and friend would find a full time job and move out on her own... 15+ years later... Says it all really!

Don't get me wrong I went home after uni, had a full time job and my own flat in less than 3 months, I went home after my exh and I split up and stayed for 5 months before getting my own place etc I wouldn't dream of imposing for 15 years!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 25/10/2019 13:08

What a spoilt brat! No wonder you thought she was joking - in what universe does she think that what she is asking/demanding is reasonable?!

I'd be going with a 'I said no, I mean no, call me names or bring it up again, and I'm offski, and you're blocked. So if you really in any way shape or form value this friendship for its own sake, as to what you stupidly thought you might get out of it, then you'll shut the hell up, and never mention this dumb idea of yours again'. . .

Majorcollywobble · 25/10/2019 13:14

You have your life very well organized now thanks to your own efforts - the generosity of your father - and the supportiveness of your mother with childcare .DD is totally happy with you in the new house . 50/50 childcare with ex gives you time to do your own thing and explore where the relationship with BF is going .
Isall this worth risking for this self entitled needy baby girl - who has exasperates her parents to such an extent they are effectively throwing her out ?
If you don’t make a clean break with her she will never sort her own life out . Don’t get involved in her life any more as whatever you do will never be enough.
She’s called you a cow to boot .
Clean break with her is safest imo .

Alwaysgrey · 25/10/2019 13:15

100% no. She sounds like the type who wouldn’t leave. She’s responsible for her own choices and the way her life has turned out. It’s not up to you to fix it. Distance yourself and definitely don’t let her stay even for a night.

readingismycardio · 25/10/2019 13:21

Who the fuck invites themselves to LIVE with someone? Fuck no. Say no & repeat as many times as required

ZenNudist · 25/10/2019 13:27

YANBU

timshelthechoice · 25/10/2019 13:28

You have to be straight on with entitled CFs like this, no hinting or hoping they get the message and, sometimes, cut them out because they simply will not quit. Because it's not friendship, they have no concept of real friendship, only about what they can get/use.

GreySheep · 25/10/2019 13:42

Fuck no! She’s a CF and you’d be stupid AF to let her move in.

You’re putting your DD’s happiness & MH first by keeping the new house just you and her for now. Well done you and your DD is lucky.

Your friend sounds like she needs to grow up a lot so she needs to stand in her own so feet to do that and not leach off others - and definitely not you!

Keep her away from your house as much as possible too.

xJodiex · 25/10/2019 14:00

She sounds like a really forward person! Shock

I would tell her no, even if you do it on the phone so you don't have to face her, if it goes wrong you can just hang up on her.

I think if she's REALLY being made homeless she needs to go to the council and make a homeless application, you are not her carer or mother.

JavaQ · 25/10/2019 14:06

YANBU
Do not allow.her to stay. Ever. No matter what sob story. Consider your own mental health!

Lizzie0869 · 25/10/2019 14:23

Really don't do it, it's a disaster waiting to happen. I made that mistake with my ex best friend. She gave me a sob story about her then DH being violent to her, which automatically got me to allow her to stay with us, especially as my DSis had recently got out of an abusive marriage. The truth was that she constantly drove him crazy, screaming at him and refusing to let him leave the house. She was like this on the phone to her DM as well.

She stayed with us for 3 weeks, during which time she walked around the house all day in her dressing gown. Fair enough, she wasn't well mentally, but she was very manipulative with it, phoning my DH to complain about me, and accosting him first thing in the morning to tell him her tale of woe. It was very tricky for him.

She'd already convinced me to lend her £6k to pay off her mortgage arrears, saying she'd reimburse us once her flat had been sold. She owned 2 properties (they'd moved to Spain a year before), so I had no reason to disbelieve her. It turned out that her debts exceeded the value of her 2 properties, so she couldn't pay us back.

Such people are not friends, they're users and they can really be a drain on your mental health. I have a vivid memory of her screaming at her DH on her mobile in Boots, and me wanting the ground to swallow me. I muttered to the chemist, 'It will be me on tranquilisers soon.'

twoshedsjackson · 25/10/2019 14:35

I know you have sensible plans for that 3rd bedroom, but for the time being, the clutter in that room is a useful backup to your entirely reasonable arguments! Please don't even contemplate moving anything out of the way into the attic!
Maybe a few extra empty boxes to add to the effect.....even better, only meet up away from your new home. (And I speak as one who fairly recently had a major declutter of the spare room to accommodate a young relative for an academic year while they studied in London, which worked out because my temporary guest, whilst still young, is old enough for good manners).
As well as remembering why you grew apart all those years ago, I'd also be wondering how somebody got to 40 with only one friend. Might she have run her "goodwill account" into overdraft with everybody else who has seen more of her in recent years?

BumbleBeee69 · 25/10/2019 14:41

You did the right thing OP, also stop explaining why you do not want someone living in your home, NO is a complete sentence. Flowers

stanski · 25/10/2019 15:04

You will never get rid of her if you let her in. Stick to your guts

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