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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to friend

165 replies

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 07:53

Apologies... This may be long as probably need to set scene so as not to drip feed.

Friend and have known each other since school, fairly close until university (days before mobiles were an everyone thing) when her course took her abroad. We lost touch and then recently reestablished contact after bumping into each other at her place of work.

As I recall her relationship with her parents was always strained, in her opinion they always favoured her older sibling. I don't recall ever meeting them more than once or twice so I couldn't judge if she was being melodramatic or not.

We are now adults approaching our 40's. I have had a couple of ltr's, married and divorced, am now a single parent although in a long distance relationship. She has never really had a partner, has all the free time in the world, does volunteering work with a big organisation (I do a lot of volunteering with a different organisation) and it is pretty much her only topic of conversation.

So... I have recently been able to buy my own house due to a very generous gift from my dad (he did similar years ago for my sibling) I am eternally grateful! I live in an area where house prices are low in comparison to most of the UK so was able to buy a large 3 bed terrace for dd and I. I love it! After some very unstable years it is the anchor I needed and has been a game changer for my mental health and my dd.

There is just the 2 of us at home, boyfriend visits most weekends, sometimes in the week depending on his work schedule. So I have a 'spare' bedroom. It is currently a bit of a junk room, we only moved in a few weeks ago so it's full of boxes in haven't sorted yet, stuff that needs to be put in the attic when I brave opening the hatch.

Friend is having a rough time, she lives with her parents, has done for the last 15+ years, they don't get on. From the stories she regails me with I have a huge degree of sympathy for her parents. At 40 she is still acting like a stroppy 16 year old, rebellious and down right rude and disrespectful. I haven't said this to her though. Her mum has basically told her she needs to leave sooner rather than later.

She can't afford to rent as only works part time on a low wage. She wants to try for a mortgage, good on her if she gets it it is cheaper than renting but honestly knowing her salary I think it is unlikely that with no savings she will get enough to buy what she wants. However, I have given her the details of my mortgage advisor and helped her look at what could be in her budget.

So... My aibu boils down to this... Friend came to visit the other day, having realised I have 3 bedrooms and 1 not in use she has decided that it is now her room and is going on about me sorting it out whilst I am off work (have half term off with dd) so she can move in.

I thought she was joking and just laughed a bit. She apparently wasn't joking and is now asking how much her rent would be, share of bills etc. I have said it would be zero because I'm sorry you aren't moving in, dd and I enjoy having the house to ourselves, I don't want a lodger. I have a busy job, Ed has complex health issues and I really hated house sharing at uni and have no desire to ever do it again! It is the fastest way to kill a friendship. She is calling me a cow and whinging that I am being unfair, her life at home is shit and she is being made homeless by her mum etc and basically laying on the guilt trip.

Aibu in saying no? The stories she tells me about her parents fill me with horror. If she is genuinely behaving in the way she makes out I don't blame her mum for throwing her out. I don't want or need the stress.

OP posts:
Potnoodledoo · 25/10/2019 09:05

The way she treats her parents is the way she will treat you.Shes being abusive and nasty to you.And she hasnt even got her arse in yet.

Just block her and move on ith your life.Shes a leech.

Kaddm · 25/10/2019 09:10

Omg she sounds like an epic piss taker.
You are not being in any way mean. You would be ruining your sanctuary by letting her in.

In fact this would be the end if the friendship for me. I would be ignoring all further contact.

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 09:11

@ellie56 she's not a bitch, she is just massively entitled and has a very "poor hard done by" view of herself.

The plan over the weekend is to clear some of the crap out and start turning the spare room into a usable space. .. Partly as my sister is arriving with her 3 on Sunday and the older 2 want a sleepover at the new house and partly because on top of a full time employed job I do a massive amount of voluntary work for an international organisation and have a ton of paperwork to sort out for that as well as the favour I do a friend by sorting his accounts for him. I do that for free as he is a good friend and has helped me out loads, he is a world champion in his sport and coaches others and has promised to coach dd when she is old enough to take part as a trade off for me doing his book keeping and liaising with his accountant for tax returns. So I need an office! Bf also often works from home at a weekend if something needs finishing so a desk would be helpful for him too

OP posts:
BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 25/10/2019 09:12

It's a big fat nope from me too.
She doesn't sound like the type of person you'd want as a lodger even of you did want one. She will probably take the piss, be messy and be difficult to get rent money from. If she treats her family terribly it doesn't bode well for you either.

simplekindoflife · 25/10/2019 09:12

Dd has been really unsettled since her dad and I split. She was really angry with me for splitting up her family and moving out. She has been like a different kid since we moved here. It's like a switch was flipped. She is calm, loving, fun, settled, sleeping for the first time in 6 years.... She no longer hates me and there is no way in hell I am ruining that for anyone...

Tell her this! Putting your dd first and keeping her settled and happy is the most important thing. This is your family home, not a house share or a hotel!

Keep repeating this and don't back down. She would NEVER leave!

TrickOrTreaty · 25/10/2019 09:17

OMG OP. Your friend is a user.

I suggest that you distance yourself from her. I'd not be friends with someone who acted in such a demanding manner and insulted me for asserting my boundaries. Has she got additional needs or learning difficulties? How come she is so immature?

doginthemanger · 25/10/2019 09:19

You don't need to keep justifying yourself. You're doing absolutely the right thing. That room will make a lovely office.

I'm often surprised on MN at people's willingness to call someone like this a friend. I can't imagine enough redeeming features to make you want this person in your life, which sounds busy and fulfilled without her and her tantrums.

MrsMozartMkII · 25/10/2019 09:21

I'm a soft touch for a sob story, but even I'd say no to this one!

A home office / occasional spare room sounds perfect.

EmilyStar · 25/10/2019 09:23

Definitely YANBU.
I wouldn’t even want to let her stay for one night after the way she’s been going on in case she wouldn’t leave!

frumpety · 25/10/2019 09:26

The simple fact is you don't want her living with you and DD. That doesn't make you a bad person, its a perfectly legitimate reason. You don't need to think of any other reason's why she can't, other than you don't want her to. I think you do need to be prepared for her pitching up on your doorstep, claiming homelessness. Get your firm No ready for that scenario.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 25/10/2019 09:27

And don't forget that your lovely office will be an ideal space for your DD's homework/revision in future years... Definitely the way to go!!

Witchend · 25/10/2019 09:29

If she's telling stories about how badly done by she is and you are feeling sorry for her parents, then she must be pretty bad, as people will almost always tell things with their bias. (hence a lot of OPs on here Grin)

Wouldn't let her. I need my space too, and you'd never be able to relax.

MO21305 · 25/10/2019 09:34

Definitely not being unreasonable! I like my own space with my family, so I really struggle to have somebody stay over even for one night. I can't relax properly as I feel like I need to keep them entertained/fed/watered etc, so there is no way I could have somebody just move in with me permanently. Your friend needs to grow up, get a job & take some responsibility just like the rest of us have to. Honestly if you saying no to her means you lose her friendship, I don't think you'll be losing much.

Silentlysinking101 · 25/10/2019 09:34

@trickortreaty not that I know of. I think her parents were very overbearing and controlling when we were teenagers (I only know what she has told me so 100% biased) and I get the impression they still treat her as such now. I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle... She acts like a stroppy teen so they treat her as such and its a self fulfill prophecy I guess.

@doginthemanager she is generally a nice person and a laugh to be around at times, but she is very self centred and immature. We are not close, we chat once every couple of weeks, see each other maybe once every 3-4 months. I guess part of me feels sorry for her that she has never grown up and moved on with her life, but maybe there is a bigger reason for that

OP posts:
Hollachica · 25/10/2019 09:35

Good lord no. Look after yourself, your daughter and enjoy your home.
Be very clear.

Themazeoflife · 25/10/2019 09:37

YANBU don't give in either, no matter what.

mankyfourthtoe · 25/10/2019 09:39

Don't invite her round, don't mention your sister staying. As far as she knows it's still full of boxes, then an office

PentreBachCymraeg · 25/10/2019 09:41

Definitely stick to your guns or you'll never be rid.Agree with PP on making spare room as 'unbedroomy' as possible especially if you need the office space for both you and BF when he's there.Your 'friend' has some growing up to do.As for calling you a cow,if it were me i'd be cooling off the friendship for sure.
Enjoy your new home Smile

Wiaa · 25/10/2019 09:42

Wow she sounds like she needs to grow up and be an adult and a right cf. Don't feel bad for a second, why on earth would you want a friend living in your home long term?? We actually had a friend stay with us for a few months when he fell out with his friend he lodged with, while he was a good friend, sorted his own meals washing and paid us a nominal rent it was a nuisance having someone else around every evening when we wanted to chill and it was a relief when he sorted out a new property to rent. A full time lodger would be awful imo unless it was to benefit your family (needed the money)

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/10/2019 09:43

I’d take her stories with a pinch of salt tbh.

OldEvilOwl · 25/10/2019 09:44

No way! Don't even let her stay for a few nights or a week - you will never get rid of her

doginthemanger · 25/10/2019 09:45

It sounds as if she can be nice when it suits her, but as you've discovered when she doesn't get her own way she's nasty.

Chloe84 · 25/10/2019 09:47

So I need an office!

Why didn't you just say this? It wouldn't have killed your friendship so fast.

FantasticButtocks · 25/10/2019 09:50

Here is an article about how to say 'no' effectively Smile

sonjadog · 25/10/2019 09:50

Forty year olds don't insist on living in their friend's sparerooms. Selfish is not not giving her what she wants. She is behaving very strangely here.

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