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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Beesandcheese · 25/10/2019 15:03

Yup. You're a classic cheat. You're making it somebody else's responsibility that you are sexually incontinent. You refuse to emathise with the person you pretend to care for because that gets in the way of getting your jollies.

kristallen · 25/10/2019 15:10

For anybody saying sexual intimacy isn't a basic need, well, that depends on how you frame it. What comes below it is having enough food and water and a safe place to live with good enough health. So yeah, it's not as basic as clean water, but I think we can all agree that most people on here - and probably OP - are not seriously ill, hungry AND living in fear. Therefore it's basic when those conditions are met.

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t
seaweedandmarchingbands · 25/10/2019 15:11

kristallen

According to that theory, which I don’t agree with. It’s a want, not a need, and nobody is obligated to give it to you.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2019 15:14

I have said to him many times in the past couple of years that I needed to have an open relationship if our sex life remained unfulfilled. He ignored and buried his head in the sand. So finally I did it and started sleeping with a friend. But what’s the good in telling him? It will only hurt him.

Because you're married and are supposed to be faithful? Because you're putting his health at risk by not telling him you're sleeping with someone else? If you don't think yabu then what's the problem with telling him? You could leave if you're not happy with no sex, you should also give him the opportunity to make his decision on whether to stay with you or not now you've decided to sleep with another man

StroppyWoman · 25/10/2019 15:15

YABVU - you've only been married 2 years and you're already shagging someone behind his back? Poor bastard.

You aren't 'entitled' to sex. He isn't obliged to provide you with duty sex. Talk to him. He doesn't want to address the problem and he's probably very embarrassed but it doesn't mean you get a free pass for cheating.

sandy541 · 25/10/2019 15:16

Its scary as hell when your sex drive takes a hike, the pressure to improve things makes it worse. It's easier to bury your head in the sand and hope the love you have for each other is enough, it's unfair on the other partner but so is cheating.
You are hurting each other, you have the menopause looming and if he has some ED problems this will make your life sex life even more difficult. Call it a day .

Whomei · 25/10/2019 15:21

I can't condone cheating ever, as I've been on the receiving end (with an ex) and it's horrible.
In saying that, I think couples with vastly different sex drives should come to some kind of compromise. For someone who wants it every day to be married to someone who wants it every 2 months, I think a middle ground needs to be worked out.
But it's probably too late for that as you've already cheated

Fairenuff · 25/10/2019 15:21

A marriage is a complex intertwined series of duties pleasures - companionship, emotional and financial support, parenting, socialising etc etc and sex'

Fixed that for you Wink

hookiwooki · 25/10/2019 15:26

A marriage is a complex intertwined series of pleasures With bells on. I do it because I want to, not because I feel I am supposed to.

Patriarchy is alive and well I see.

Hannahmates · 25/10/2019 16:53

YABU. Get your big girl pants on and get a divorce if he's not satisfying you. When he finds out you're cheating on him your marriage is over anyway.

Pinkyyy · 25/10/2019 17:02

It's quite simple, you're lying, cheating and being abusive. You've broken every promise you made when you married him and it's time you left him and let him find someone who won't fuck other men behind his back.

Sagradafamiliar · 25/10/2019 17:08

You've been outspoken about this to your DH so I'd be shocked if he doesn't know. Or does he think you're suddenly satisfied and not giving him ultimatums anymore for no reason? Just make sure he definitely does know and crack on cracking on.

contentedsoul · 25/10/2019 17:12

WOW....so basically dogging then..hmm quality that!

Bleugh!

NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 25/10/2019 17:19

Um... contentedsoul... you do know that dogging is where a person has sex in front of others for thier voyeristic pleasure?

Where did the OP say she does this?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/10/2019 17:20

I'm not seeing the dogging link 😬

contentedsoul · 25/10/2019 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lazylinguist · 25/10/2019 17:35

YABU. This would only be ok if you had given him the choice: "If you are not going to have sex with me, then either we separate, or you agree to me seeking sex elsewhere". What you are doing is cheating, and it's not ok.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 25/10/2019 17:41

The OP is cheating and lying. She is not behaving “like a bitch on heat”. She isn’t an animal because she wants sex, not because she is not telling the truth. I hate these unnecessary ways of talking to people.

TatianaLarina · 25/10/2019 17:42

For anybody saying sexual intimacy isn't a basic need, well, that depends on how you frame it. What comes below it is having enough food and water and a safe place to live with good enough health

Sex isn’t on your diagram krista

piscis · 25/10/2019 17:52

There is people suggesting the OP to look for a partner with a similar libido...there is a problem with this reasoning though (if we are talking about a long-term relationship)...libido is not stable throughout our lives, it changes, so changing her DH for another one with "similar libido" may be meaningless in 2 years or so...

My partner and me both had high libidos at the beginning of our relationship (as it normally happens), then there was a point when mine was higher than his and I was not very happy about our sex life, eventually I got pregnant, had a baby and both our libidos were dead because we were exhausted and now we seem to be recovering our libidos, both of us.

She may get another partner with a similar libido now, but nobody knows how it will be in a few years time, OP's libido may change as well, it is normal.

IdiotInDisguise · 25/10/2019 18:50

Op, have you considered the possibility that he may be feeling a bit emasculated? Sometimes, sex becomes scarce due to emotional factors arising from the relationship. Ie. It could be that he is put off because sex is always in your terms or it could be that he finds it a bit too difficult to please you in other ways, or the dynamics of the relationship have given too much control to a party in the detriment of the other partner.

For cases like this, counselling is the way to go. His lack of libido may be a reflection of other things that are wrong with his life or the relationship that you may not even be aware of.

GabsAlot · 25/10/2019 18:54

Youre cheating end of-doesnt matter why you are either tell him or leave

GabsAlot · 25/10/2019 19:00

But you want justifcation for this and clearly arent going to tell him-if my dh done this he'd be out just for the lying

ilovetofu · 25/10/2019 19:04

Tell him and get some counselling op. That will help you both decide what to do next for the best 🤷🏽‍♀️

Joerev · 25/10/2019 19:04

I cannot get over some of these responses

You are being totally unreasonable. You can’t just take a lover.

Now. If he knew you’d taken a lover. That’s different

But he doesn’t

Regardless. You are lying!!!!!!!!!!! You are cheating!!!!!

So if my partner didn’t make enough money. Do I go rob a bank? Because my needs are worth more than his?

You’re married. You took vows. Apart from anything else. He needs to know to take care of his own health

I think it’s disgusting that he doesn’t know. I don’t think what you’re doing is awful. It’s the deceit. The lies. You have a sham of a relationship.

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