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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ilovetofu · 25/10/2019 19:05

Stop lying to him. He doesn't deserve it.

Joerev · 25/10/2019 19:05

Would it be ok if he took a lover? Would that bother you?

C8H10N4O2 · 25/10/2019 19:37

Off topic I know but what on earth drove you to choose that username?

ThreeLittleDots · 25/10/2019 19:59

We are a fantastic couple

Your relationship is an illusion - it's not real, because you are cheating on him.

summersherewishiwasnt · 25/10/2019 20:11

The only way to know for sure if this can work is to ask him if he would be happy with an open marriage. Other people’s opinions do not matter.

HelenaDove · 25/10/2019 20:42

Well it took until page 10 (which is a bit of a record) but there it is.

is it a medical reason or have you become unattractive

HelenaDove · 25/10/2019 20:51

In a nutshell the partner who still wants sex may have to face the fact that their partner just may no longer want to have sex.... with them. The desire for them has gone and may never return

So why dont THEY leave?!

Aridane · 26/10/2019 04:56

Get a vibrator or leave the poor fucker.

Aridane · 26/10/2019 04:58

He isn’t gay. One of the things I struggled with was knowing he had an incredibly active sex life with his ex. Opposite to us, they had nothing in common except for sex. He says it’s because he was younger then

Maybe the problem then is with you - ie he just doesn't fancy you enough to fuck with any meaningful frequency

daisychain01 · 26/10/2019 05:15

Fine. I’m cheating. Happy now? Should I now wear scarlet dresses and sew a big “A” on all of them? Give you a pitchfork?

Run this by me again??

  • You create a thread asking for opinions as to whether or not you should feel guilty about cheating on your DH
  • You give your "compelling reason" that your DH doesn't want sex with you, as if to justify yourself why you're cheating in your marriage
  • you then bristle with indignation when people tell you yabu. And ask people if they're "happy now" for answering the question you set.

Omg, delusional or what. You just couldn't make it up!!!

Oh and by the way, you aren't the amazing couple you'd like to think you are, if you're FWB behind his back. Moral compass seriously broken!

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 26/10/2019 08:13

So if my partner didn’t make enough money. Do I go rob a bank?

Not a comparable analogy - robbing a bank is against the law - taking a lover is not.
If your partner wasn't earning enough money no you don't rob a bank but you would be within your rights to do something to rectify the situation like getting a better paid job yourself - that is what the OP is doing - rectifying the situation herself.

You might argue "yes but getting a better paid job doesn't involve lies and deceit" but the OP has tried to be truthful - she has been honest with her DH about where she is up to regarding their sex life and that if it continues she wants to have sex outside the marriage. Her DH has stupidly chosen to ignore those cries for help.

And the suggestion that the OP take medication to modify her libido is nuts. Medicating people to curb their natural human desires is just fucked up. Like most people the OP just wants a healthy sex life. That is perfectly normal.

I don't agree with affairs for the sake of them but when a marriage partner has done all they can to address an issue within the marriage and the other spouse is ignoring the issue/ sweeping it under the carpet - that is unfair and cruel and will have its effects.

Men and woman have had affairs/ taken lovers since time immemorial - and they will continue to do so regardless of the outrage on MN

formerbabe · 26/10/2019 09:03

Gosh, people are being so unbelievably awful to the op. I feel really sorry for her. It must be ghastly to be with a man you love but who refuses to sleep with you and even worse, refuses to discuss it. Yes, she should probably end the relationship rather than cheat, but it's easy to see how she's ended up in this situation.

IdiotInDisguise · 26/10/2019 09:13

The only thing she needs to do to start untangling this mess and get things moving is just casually, “oh, btw, no worries about the sex, I have found someone to help.

If he ignores her she is not cheating, if he listens and do something about it, be it having sex or ask her to move out, then the two of them have options they can decide on.

Lweji · 26/10/2019 09:17

Yes, she should probably end the relationship rather than cheat, but it's easy to see how she's ended up in this situation.

Let's hope you have the same sympathetic view if you are cheated on.

TequilaPilates · 26/10/2019 09:18

The only thing she needs to do to start untangling this mess and get things moving is just casually, “oh, btw, no worries about the sex, I have found someone to help.

Could you just imagine the response if.a.woman started a thread saying her sex drive had dwindled for whatever reason and she now only fancies.it once every couple of months, her husband has just come home saying "it's fine, he's found someone else to help"?

formerbabe · 26/10/2019 09:24

Let's hope you have the same sympathetic view if you are cheated on

I wouldn't force my partner into celibacy with no discussion, explanation or hope of the situation improving.

daisychain01 · 26/10/2019 09:34

I wouldn't force my partner into celibacy with no discussion, explanation or hope of the situation improving.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Ever.

JacquesHammer · 26/10/2019 09:37

Let's hope you have the same sympathetic view if you are cheated on

That’s completely irrelevant. It has and won’t happen therefore it has no bearing on me (and others) thinking whilst the OP hasn’t made the right choice, it isn’t difficult to see how a highly emotive situation has come about.

JacquesHammer · 26/10/2019 09:37

*hasn’t and won’t happen.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 26/10/2019 09:37

Let's hope you have the same sympathetic view if you are cheated on

It's not as simple as that. The OP is cheating because she has tried to address the issue inside the marriage but her DH is stonewalling her.

If my partner was unhappy with our sex life I would do something to address it knowing that human beings are made such that if I didn't address it there is the distinct possibility/ reality that my spouse would eventually cheat.

And for posters saying the advice would be different if it was a man cheating. I also have huge sympathy for men in these situations.

ForeverFaff · 26/10/2019 09:58

Only read your updates op. But, I think your husband wants you to get your 'bit on the side' and also keep him out of it. He hasn't actually said "no" to an open marriage, he also won't address the lack of sex.....it sort of reads like he wants you to deal with it secretly.
I'd maybe think about writing him a confession, and tell him to either read it, or destroy it depending on what he wants to know regarding the sex situation. Put the ball in his court, with a get out clause.

ParkLife123 · 26/10/2019 10:07

No, the OP has not tried to talk to her husband about this because if she had, it would’ve taken one minute and have been in no uncertain terms, like “I am really trying to have a better sex life with you, but as you just don’t want to, I have no option but to either leave you or look elsewhere for sex”.

Better still, just be honest and tell him what you have been doing. You will then know for sure if you have the wonderful relationship you think you have. He will either leave you, or not be bothered if he wants to stay with you and still does not want sex, or perhaps he will take a lover himself with whom he wants sex (if the problem is you as some PP’s are suggesting).

I think ANY partner deserves the truth. It is always the right thing to do instead of cheating behind his back.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 26/10/2019 10:08

"take a lover" Grin

What a weird phrase!!!

ParkLife123 · 26/10/2019 10:11

I’ve just read your update OP, and while you say you have mentioned taking a lover - and he just buried his head in the sand - what on earth do you think would be so different about telling him you have taken a lover? If he was going to be hurt it would’ve been with the threat of you cheating. Now that you’re cheating, I don’t see why you’re suddenly afraid to tell him the truth if you have genuinely been warning him for a while...

He should be expecting it surely, given what you’ve said to him?

TequilaPilates · 26/10/2019 10:55

My guess is that op knows that adultery (which is what this is) is grounds for divorce and as she's the higher earner I'm guessing will stand to lose out financially in any settlement.

Not dissimilar to the stories we hear about cheating husbands who are more concerned about protecting their assets than treating their partner with respect and decency.

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