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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 26/10/2019 10:58

as she's the higher earner I'm guessing will stand to lose out financially in any settlement

No need to guess. The OP has already said that Grin

Anotherlongdrive · 26/10/2019 12:00

It's a common theme. Men acrewing over their spouse to protect their assets are bastards.

Women are sensible when they do the same.

If OP divorced now, it would be better financially, rather than 10 years down the line.

lynsey91 · 26/10/2019 12:19

OP, you say you love your husband but if you love someone you don't cheat on them do you? Not if you have any morals.

Even if you honestly think you do love him you certainly don't respect him.

GummyGoddess · 26/10/2019 13:19

I don't get these responses. Either sex is so important to you that you only have sex with your partner, or it's so unimportant that you don't want it. If it isn't important enough for you to have it, why does it bother you if your partner goes elsewhere?

It's such a double standard. When I read threads about women who have been cheated on it almost always comes out that they rarely want to have sex with their partner, but are shocked that their partner who has told them that they are unhappy has gone and found someone else. It's either important or not, if it's important then you make an effort, if it isn't then why do you care if your partner has it or not.

Op, you are doing something immoral by lying to your partner, but I don't see how he can be angry that you're doing something he has deemed unimportant with someone else. If it was that important to him he would have prioritised it. I can't blame you.

HelenaDove · 26/10/2019 14:34

Maybe the problem then is with you - ie he just doesn't fancy you enough to fuck with any meaningful frequency

Then why doesnt he leave his higher earning wife?!

HelenaDove · 26/10/2019 14:37

@ReanimatedSGB

FabbyChix · 26/10/2019 14:51

Only a relationship that can survive without sex is the best relationship to be in. Your ex drive is a need not anything to do with love. You could wank. I’d rather a partner with no sex than one where I’m only used to scratch an itch which is what you want your husband to do

formerbabe · 26/10/2019 15:03

Your ex drive is a need not anything to do with love

I presume you mean sex drive and of course it has something to do with love for the person you're with. How odd that you think otherwise.

Drag0nflye · 26/10/2019 15:28

He may have buried his head in the sand about addressing yours and his sexual incompatibility but what you didn’t do is say something along the lines of “I am going to start seeking sex elsewhere from next month unless we address this now” thereby giving him the choice whether to address it with you there and then or end it with you. All he knows is you are dissatisfied with your sex life, not that you’re sleeping with someone else. It’s not an open relationship, it’s an affair. You should have told him explicitly and literally you are going to start sleeping with someone else to get sex as it was a dealbreaker to you. You are lying to him and betraying him. It’s cheating and a disgusting way to treat someone. YANBU to want more sex but the cheating is revolting and unacceptable. You should have ended it with him first or given him the chance to end it with you if he didn’t want an open relationship. Do him a favour and stop wasting his time and tell him what you’ve done.

Your husband deserves better. I have no idea how someone can do this to someone they supposedly love. If he’s such a wonderful human being like you say, he will be snapped up by many great women who can treat him with the love and respect he deserves.

formerbabe · 26/10/2019 15:31

he will be snapped up by many great women

I doubt it!!

JavaQ · 26/10/2019 15:34

Ha, I suspect this poster is male and the partner is actually female!

But the answer is the same:
Your partner does not know and has not agreed to this arrangement so YABU.

Withholding sex is an "unreasonable behaviour" and could be grounds for divorce, so it is regarded as a serious problem in a marriage.
So is adultery.

Craftycorvid · 26/10/2019 15:38

I read recently that sex is a form of communication so when sex goes wrong in a relationship, communication has gone wrong. Also, it matters! You sound like you love your partner, OP, and want to work on things, but feel he shuts down when you try. An ‘I love you and want to understand what’s happening’ conversation seems necessary. I don’t think you are being unreasonable in missing sex or necessarily in having a FWB - it can work and relationships have all kinds of configurations. The secrecy, though, will ultimately cause problems, or you may find you want more/your FWB wants more and that causes problems. Do you share common goals with your DH and could the two of you agree on what you both want from one another?

JavaQ · 26/10/2019 15:44

2 years....no assets in common...no kids...both able bodied....he wont be able to take half of what you had before. He wont be able to claim maintenance.

go see a solicitor and call it quits.

(imagine... if he was secretly shagging his ex...would that be okay with you?)

Oblomov19 · 26/10/2019 16:08

I literally have no idea why posters such as OP don't divorce.

Shortfeet · 26/10/2019 18:40

@Oblomov19
Why would they divorce ?
They have a lovely ( of low on sex) relationship
Lots of couples rarely have sex. Do you think they should all get divorced?

ScreamingLadySutch · 26/10/2019 19:00

I don't think this is a gender thing.

He IS breaking his marriage vows. In the traditional marriage preamble the priest makes, there are two references to sex: that marriage was formed to make sex available (putting it crudely) so that lust was out the way, and for the creation of children.

Then the groom says "with my body, I thee honour"

He did trick her. As soon as they were married he dropped the mask.

I think husbands are also betrayed by uninterested wives this way - and the wives are in the wrong.

But the affair is wrong too. I think she should bring up loud and clear that she is not happy with the rate, that she feels cheated, and
to tactfully bring up meaningless tension relief with others so that their lovely marriage doesn't get soured by resentment.

If she brings it up every few months, he can't say he wasn't aware.

I would say the same to a man. Its the secrecy and deceit that is the killer.

Oblomov19 · 26/10/2019 19:11

Shortfeet, because Op is very unhappy with the situation.

Some people want sex every day, numerous times a day. Some only occasionally. Both are fine. If you are ok with it.

If your not, and your unhappy, and your partner won't change, won't compromise, probably best to divorce.

Bluerussian · 26/10/2019 19:29

GummyGoddess said:-

Op, you are doing something immoral by lying to your partner, but I don't see how he can be angry that you're doing something he has deemed unimportant with someone else. If it was that important to him he would have prioritised it. I can't blame you.
........
I totally get that. I'm so sorry, op, I can imagine how difficult this is for you. You say you meet up with an old FWB for occasional sex - please be discreet, no one else has to know about it.

Re-reading your opening post, I remembered you are in early forties and married for two years only, you had sex 3/4 times a month before marriage. I can't help wondering how you didn't know about his lack of sex drive before marriage and what it was that made you decide to marry him. You weren't 20 year olds.

ISpeakJive · 26/10/2019 19:42

Your sex life wasn't that great before you got married so I'm not sure why you actually got married in the first place!
Sometimes love really isn't enough, is it?

Migrainefun · 26/10/2019 20:03

Maybe he doesn't want to offend you but no longer finds you attractive? Maybe that's why he doesn't want to talk about it? A relative of mine gained 10 stone and was surprised when her husband didn't want to have sex anymore.

Nerfballs · 26/10/2019 21:05

What I really have trouble understanding is people committing to long-term relationships thinking all will be smooth sailing and there will never be significant issues to work through. For some reason this is particularly true of sex - people tend to be surprised by sexual problems. Whereas in reality every couple will work through sexual difficulties at some point of their relationship - it's not if, it's when. And it's how you deal with them that determines whether the relationship survives.

Unfortunately OP and her DH have both chosen destructive ways to deal with their particular issue and it will likely end the marriage sooner or later, likely with a great deal of pain and resentment on both sides.

HelenaDove · 27/10/2019 00:08

A relative of mine gained 10 stone and was surprised when her husband didn't want to have sex anymore

So if someone loses ten stone and gets the same reaction would you be telling them to gain it back to please their partner.

MacabreMannequinFun · 27/10/2019 00:15

I'm not saying you should change your appearance to please your partner, but it could affect whether they are sexually attracted if it's a huge change. Like I think if my husband went from being 14 stone to 9 stone and grew his hair down to his waist then I would be rather put off having sex!

CharlottesPleb · 27/10/2019 00:40

It's not reasonable to trap someone in a sexless marriage making them feel humiliated and unloved and like the lowest wretch, while you jolly on happily enjoying your life. Don't marry them then.

It's also not reasonable to betray you both by stepping outside the promises you have made, and treat your promises and hearts like they are trash.

The first one can (once you take a step back) often be explained by miscommunication, different ways we express love and so on.

The second one can't. You don't usually fix problems in a lifelong partnership by way of a much worse breach of trust.

Aridane · 27/10/2019 05:31

Yes, she should probably end the relationship rather than cheat, but it's easy to see how she's ended up in this situation

@formerbabe

I dare you, I dare you to post this in all the other threads where men cheat because their wives don’t put out