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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 25/10/2019 13:33

You are horrendously selfish. You are not entitled to sex - your poor dh however is entitled to being treated with respect, ie, you leaving him and not subjecting him to the possibilities of STIs etc, let alone the fact you'll destroy him.

Original poster
DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 13:34

Fucking someone else due to your high SD and not telling your spouse is cheating. If you can live with that fine it's your life but please dont pretend it is anything else but cheating.

Fine. I’m cheating. Happy now? Should I now wear scarlet dresses and sew a big “A” on all of them? Give you a pitchfork?

And FIWI I don’t think I have a particularly high sex drive. The difference between DH’s and my sex drive is that I have one and he doesn’t.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 25/10/2019 13:34

If you’re not happy with your sex life, and he won’t improve it, YANBU to be unhappy with this

YABU to fuck other men behind his back

^^THIS.

ThreeLittleDots · 25/10/2019 13:35

Should I now wear scarlet dresses and sew a big “A” on all of them? Give you a pitchfork?

No, you should stop abusing your husband's good nature and tell him the truth.

ThreeLittleDots · 25/10/2019 13:36

The difference between DH’s and my sex drive is that I have one and he doesn’t

That doesn't give you permission to cheat.

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 13:36

Your needs don't trump his.

There was a time when my husband I was at a somewhat similar but less extreme impasse as the OP. When it came down to it, I saw his unmet need as entirely his problem. I could meet my sexual needs by not engaging so I wasn't encroaching on anyone whereas his need required my contribution (or someone's) and that meant it was not something he could reasonably expect to met to his fulfilment. So my needs trumped his because I didnt need anyone to meet mine and he did.

Some of that is because I viewed sex as a gift that women give to men (and can revoke) rather than a mutually enjoyable experience (thanks to all those teenage fumbles!). I said somewhere else that I saw it as a delicious cake that nobody needs but might really want. The first change was seeing it as something someone needs (it helped to see it like a Love Language) rather than wants.

I suggested an open relationship at this point but my hubby was way ahead of me. 1) he strongly valued monogamy and 2) even if he could adjust, he suspects he would still need an active sex life with all his partner(s). Especially the ones he builds a life with.

So that wasn't an option. We made other changes in this time which strengthened our relationship and that ultimately helped me feel comfortable with doing things to up the frequency and variety of our love life.

I'll say again that things like housework and money were never issues and I never felt exhausted from carrying a load which was too much to bear and that of course made it easier for us (me) to focus on those issues.

hookiwooki · 25/10/2019 13:38

The difference between DH’s and my sex drive is that I have one and he doesn’t. So leave him. Or give him the choice to either stay with you or leave you.

Branleuse · 25/10/2019 13:43

i dont think its massively surprising that people who arent getting any of their sexual needs met in a relationship, often seek it elsewhere. Its not as if you havent tried to discuss it with him. I think he probably knows, and I hope youre being safe. You must be aware that there is a big chance that if he finds out definitely or if you arent discreet, then it will end or seriously damage your relationship, and I assume youre ok with that?

Its not a case of reasonable or unreasonable. Im surprised that you dont feel any guilt at all though as it is lying to the person you love.

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 25/10/2019 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 25/10/2019 13:45

Fine. I’m cheating. Happy now? Should I now wear scarlet dresses and sew a big “A” on all of them? Give you a pitchfork?

People on here aren't calling you awful names, damning you to hell or implying you deserve punishment.

They're saying you are cheating on your husband by fucking another man.

It's not fair to frame people thinking what you're doing is wrong with them saying you're a scarlet woman!

Why on earth would you post on a forum saying what's going on and asking if you're being unreasonable when you are so defensive if people say yes you are being unreasonable.

Your husband deserves the full facts so he can also make a decision - a marriage is a team, his boundaries absolutely matter just as much as yours.

MissConductUS · 25/10/2019 13:48

NRTFT so apologies if this has been brought up before.

Hypogonadism (low testosterone) generally starts appearing in men in their 40's. If he has it it will also affect his mood and risk his long term cardiovascular health. He really needs to have his hormone levels checked.

Fairenuff · 25/10/2019 13:48

Should I now wear scarlet dresses and sew a big “A” on all of them?

Careful, your petulance is showing.

formerbabe · 25/10/2019 13:48

You are horrendously selfish. You are not entitled to sex

No one should have sex if they don't want to... obviously.

However, sex is a reasonable expectation within a marriage.

Withholding it with no discussion, explanation or attempt to improve the situation is just as selfish as being unfaithful imo.

Fairenuff · 25/10/2019 13:49

Withholding it with no discussion, explanation or attempt to improve the situation is just as selfish as being unfaithful imo

Except that OP knows her dh is refusing to discuss it.

He doesn't know she is shagging other men.

hookiwooki · 25/10/2019 13:52

Basically -

OP: AIBU to shag someone else
MN: (general consensus) Yes
OP: Stop picking on me
Me: Hmm

NotMyRealName123 · 25/10/2019 13:53

Of course YABFU shagging another guy behind your DHs back and without his knowledge.

If he knew and was OK with it then fair enough. But as it stands, he has no idea another guy is fucking his wife. As others have said, if this was a guy saying the same he'd be flamed far worse.

Either tell him and let him decide, or leave

Fairenuff · 25/10/2019 13:57

OP look at this way. An open relationship is about being honest - open about who you are sleeping with.

If you want an open relationship, then you want honesty in your relationship.

Tell him that you have started sleeping with other men and be 'open' about it. Let him know that if he doesn't want the same as you then he is free to leave.

He will probably sue you for adultery but you must already be aware of that risk and prepared for it.

What is really stopping you telling him other than you just being a rather selfish and nasty person? There must be a real, honest reason like you're scared to be on your own or something.

Anothernick · 25/10/2019 14:08

@fiarenuff and Tatiana - well we believe we have a duty to each other and we have been together 30 years and are now in our 60 s and we still have a fantastic sex life. So we must be doing something right.

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 25/10/2019 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 25/10/2019 14:17

Anothernick if your wife thinks she has a duty to sleep with you that's not great really. She was probably raised in the era when it was still legal for men to rape their wives (not as long ago as you might think) so is used to not having a choice in the matter.

hookiwooki · 25/10/2019 14:40

How awful to have sex out of duty. I hope if DH ever gets to feel like he's doing his duty, or I do, then we can just go our separate ways. I'm pretty sure he'd hate it if he ever thought I had to coerce myself into sex with him!

Legomadx2 · 25/10/2019 14:49

OP you don't sound happy, even though you are now having sex.

I haven't time to RTFT but suggest you split up. I feel sorry for him.

Anothernick · 25/10/2019 14:50

A marriage is a complex intertwined series of duties - companionship, emotional and financial support, parenting, socialising etc etc and sex. The amount each partner contributes will vary over time and duty does not mean that one partner has the right to demand unlimited amounts of sex (or money or anything else) from the other one. It just means that there is a recognition that a happy and sustainable relationship depends on each partner recognising their duties to the other and doing their level best to ensure that the other partner feels satisfied in all respects.

ThreeLittleDots · 25/10/2019 14:51

How awful to have sex out of duty

Oh god, to be put upon for someone else's pleasure. For some reason (probably in ref to bygone era) makes me think of elderly women with dementia who may not be able to consent to their husband's advances :(

seaweedandmarchingbands · 25/10/2019 14:59

His preference not to have sex trumps your ‘need’ for it, for the simple reason that his body is his own, not the property of the marriage. I put ‘need’ inverted commas because it is a desire, not a need.

Tell the poor man the truth.

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