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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why so many MILs seem to be absolutely and utterly bonkers?

167 replies

MILfatigue · 24/10/2019 21:20

I've just read the thread about the MIL kicking off about a bank account for DGD, and have also been following the one about baby stuff being donated prematurely.

My own MIL has, for the last 18 years, veered, completely unexpectedly and inexplicably, between being lovely, lovable, generous and great company, to being really moody, trying to pick fights with me or subtly bully DD behind DH's back, and generally being very mean. It's like two different people! I can never predict what will bring out mentalist MIL. Don't get me wrong, she's not a patch on some of the MILzillas one reads about on here, but it is still baffling and upsetting.

Problem MILs seem to be such a frequent thing and on MN particularly. Are there any broad theories on what causes this? In my case, I used to think hormones, but that ship has long sailed. Is it just an age-old conflict, has it got worse recently, or is it worse on MN?

Genuinely curious.

OP posts:
DrVonPatak · 24/10/2019 21:22

Mine is absolutely amazing, wouldn't change her for the world.

My "D"M, otoh... Halloween Envy

Boristhecats · 24/10/2019 21:25

Mine is the other side of the country so works fine. Not sure what would happen if she lived nearby though. Confused

MorvaanReed · 24/10/2019 21:33

My MIL hasn't spoken to me for over two years over the way I cook a specific thing because I put the phone down on her when she started swearing at me about it.

I think in her case she was used to being the mariarch that everyone deferred to and I come along politely doing things my way and refusing to "tell" my DH to do things her way, or lie to him when she wanted to do things that he'd said no to.

She's currently in annoyed because DD won't change one of her A'level options to what she thinks would be a better choice. DH's reports on her words on the subject suggests she's winding herself into a fury again, because no one is doing what she wants. When she finally let's rip it can be very nasty and DH is fairly low contact with her because of it.

I think she feels that if we reject her ideas that we are rejecting her.

Liverpool52 · 24/10/2019 21:39

Mine can't understand why having her husband call me to order me to spend time with her is batshit. Or coming to our house, deciding they don't like something and buying a replacement without even asking us, is equally as batshit.

MumW · 24/10/2019 21:40

to wonder why so many MILs seem to be absolutely and utterly bonkers?
Maybe because people only post about their MILs on here if they are batshit crazy.

For the record, my MIL is normal and supportive.

HufflepuffBean · 24/10/2019 21:42

Mine (technically not MIL, ex's mum) does my head in. I don't trust her with my son and probably never would.

In the past 9 months she has:
The day DS was born she insisted on coming to see him. We said fine. I then had a PPH and when ex phoned to tell her she couldn't come as I had to go to surgery and was bleeding out, she said "can't I still come see the baby?" No regard for my health whatsoever.

When DS was 3 weeks made him a bottle (I was breastfeeding) and tried to force him to drink it. DS choked and refused it and she doesn't believe in sterilising so it wasn't a sterile bottle!! I only found out after I came down from a nap and realised she had left a bottle on the side.

She makes constant remarks that DS isn't clingy, that I'm faking it, that I just want to never put him down. He cries until I pick him up but no, I'm putting it on! Hmm

She doesn't see why I don't want my son to see her friend, who told me if I was having a boy to get an abortion because she hates boys. Er, no, you rude shitbag.

She's wanted DS overnight since he was born and every time I see her asks when I'll stop feeding him and stick him on formula so she can have him all to herself.

She constantly tries to tell me how to parent. Recently DS had a cold, it lasted 5 days and the whole time I was being hassled to go to the doctors. I knew it was a cold and would pass with Calpol. But she threatened to take him to the doctors herself if I didn't. So I lied. But I knew he was fine, and he was.

When ex and I split, she told him he shouldn't speak to me or DS again. Now she keeps asking to see DS and I just can't deal with it anymore. Add all that to the constant animal noises to DS, acting like he's a puppy, getting in his face when he's trying to eat and walking into my bedroom whilst I'm breastfeeding because she wanted to give DS a bottle when I don't want to, and I hate the woman.

CaptainCabinets · 24/10/2019 21:42

Mine is legitimately the strangest and most awful waste of oxygen I’ve ever met, I’ve posted about her under a different name and got absolutely lambasted so I don’t post about her anymore. But yes, fucking mad, and stupid to boot.

bakesalesally · 24/10/2019 21:42

Mine is nuts.

My DH might say the same though? Wink

HufflepuffBean · 24/10/2019 21:44

Also she's a hoarder and constantly trying to buy me random tat (like dummies DS won't accept and she knows that, or clothes and nappies way too small for him) and I hate clutter. Sorry for the rant!

AutumnCrow · 24/10/2019 21:44

Yes, the MiL threads are a small sample of the overall population of MiLs.

BrigitsBigKnickers · 24/10/2019 21:46

Love myMiL- she is a bit batty but very sweet. I have taken her on holiday with me on my own and really enjoyed her company.

My DM who sadly passed away 7 years ago was a similar MiL to my DH. Never judgemental about our parenting and endlessly supportive.

It always makes me really Shock to read stories of evil vitriolic MiLs on threads here.

leghairdontcare · 24/10/2019 21:46

My mother is lovely and bonkers in her own way. I've had 36 years to get used to her bonkers side. MIL is also lovely and bonkers but I've had less time to get used to her particular brand of crazy. She once told me that swans were dying out because polish immigrants were eating them.

Jamonfirst · 24/10/2019 21:52

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, mine was faced with the real prospect on homelessness. DP and I stretched ourselves to buy a small apartment for her (all we could afford) with stipulations in the leasehold about no smoking and no dogs. 2 days in, 'oh it was only a few puffs, it'll be fine'. And yes, it's me overreacting when I said that she could legally be asked to leave and we would still have to pay the mortgage.Hmm

PutThatDown10 · 24/10/2019 21:52

My MIL is brilliant, we get on very well and she's like a second mum/friend. My partner also gets on with my Mum very well... At some stage we both lived in each others parents homes and everything was fine, no dramas.

I do get shocked about some of the things I read on here and reminds me of how lucky we are, our families have blended nicely, well mostly... my FIL can be a tricky character at times (reason why they are divorced) but it's nothing personal as he's like that with everyone lol

GunpowderGelatine · 24/10/2019 21:58

I am probably going to get flamed for this, but fuck it...

I think it is wise to take some of these MIL stories with a tremendous pinch of salt. I am not a "mummy's girl" - in fact my mother is rather toxic and we barely have a relationship - so I notice when other women are very close to their mums, and this is their norm, and I think with their MIL's - who are actually normal reasonable people - they have a certain protectiveness, or guilt, that relates back to their own beloved mother and I think they want to find fault with them. So when they do these "terrible" things I often wonder if they'd react the same if their own mum had done the same?

When I read some MIL stories - usually the ridiculous or shocking ones such as "All I Did was take my newborn to MIL's house and she said I was ugly and told me to fuck off then tried to steal my baby. I literally did nothing wrong" - I always think "really? That's all there is too it? She just hates you for no reason and voices this? Right-o."

Spied · 24/10/2019 21:59

I think a lot of it boils down to pure jealousy . Some women don't like to see their ds's with a woman who does things differently and often better than how they did/do things. They see it as a slight on them.
When they become a grandmother they enter themselves into a war with the other grandmother and it's a battle for top grandparent spot.

StylishMummy · 24/10/2019 21:59

I adore my MIL, she's wonderful and loves my DDs like I would like them to be loved

My mum is... testing. Can be a Narcissistic bitch or absolutely lovely and supportive

Zebraaa · 24/10/2019 22:02

Maybe it’s just clashing women?!

Zebraaa · 24/10/2019 22:03

@GunpowderGelatine I agree, some stories do make you think Hmm

FarTooMuchWashing · 24/10/2019 22:06

The reason it seems like this is because complicated or hurtful relationships are the ones fir which people need to seek help.
My MIL is lovely. But she’s a human with whom I have been forced into a close relationship - I didn’t chose her and she didn’t chose me. For some people that results in a disaster and they’re the ones we hear from.
The rest of us who bumble along with acceptable relationships with our MILs don’t seek advice....

MorvaanReed · 24/10/2019 22:08

Well, my my mum was not beloved by anyone. She showed no interest in anything but television and cigarettes and was bemused by attempts to visit her. I think there are as many difficult mums as there are difficult MILs. It might be easier to complain about MILs out of a sense of family loyality perhaps.

Butterisbest · 24/10/2019 22:10

I'm a Mil and I love my daughter in law, she's a fabulous woman, one of the most positive people I know, she's a great mother to her two sons and an excellent life partner for my son. she's very good to me too, she trusts me with her boys and she's told me that she feels lucky to have me as a MiL.
Women with good relationships with their MILs won't post about them, just as women with good relationships with their husbands, partners, other halves won't post here.
Mind you, I do look at some of the OP's and think really, she just did that for no reason at all. Big pinch of salt sometimes.
There's one running atm, I've read all the OP's posts and I can't work out what the mil has done. B

WhiskeyLullaby · 24/10/2019 22:10

Well if you look at some other threads on here , you will think those posters are bonkers,spoiled,entitled,controlling etc. Some of Those posters have children, one day they will also be MILS. Some people suck.

You also have some MIL threads where they're simply guilty for existing and any kind of excitement or interest is seen as interfering and controlling.

AthollPlace · 24/10/2019 22:15

I think a lot of mothers have issues but we are more tolerant of our own mother’s foibles. Whereas we don’t love MIL and haven’t grown up with her so her behaviour is annoying.

MorvaanReed · 24/10/2019 22:15

"Well if you look at some other threads on here , you will think those posters are bonkers,spoiled,entitled,controlling etc. Some of Those posters have children, one day they will also be MILS. Some people suck."

After a while reading the threads you'd think most men are crap too.

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