to wonder why so many MILs seem to be absolutely and utterly bonkers?

[MILfatigue]

I've just read the thread about the MIL kicking off about a bank account for DGD, and have also been following the one about baby stuff being donated prematurely.

My own MIL has, for the last 18 years, veered, completely unexpectedly and inexplicably, between being lovely, lovable, generous and great company, to being really moody, trying to pick fights with me or subtly bully DD behind DH's back, and generally being very mean. It's like two different people! I can never predict what will bring out mentalist MIL. Don't get me wrong, she's not a patch on some of the MILzillas one reads about on here, but it is still baffling and upsetting.

Problem MILs seem to be such a frequent thing and on MN particularly. Are there any broad theories on what causes this? In my case, I used to think hormones, but that ship has long sailed. Is it just an age-old conflict, has it got worse recently, or is it worse on MN?

Genuinely curious.

I just want to say hurrah for my daughter in law and everlasting thanks to her for taking my son off my hands , she can have whatever I can give her.

I'm pretty sure this is how my MIL feels
My DH is an amazing man but was a little...aimless. I think they're so pleased I've given him some direction that they've welcomed me with open arms.

I was just about to pick up on the DIL thing - it's a two way street isn't it.

I'll probably be flamed now for this but I'm always shocked at threads where OP's DM is given tonnes of access to newly born DC in the first week but the MIL/FIL are expected to stay away just because the OP isn't as emotionally close to them.

I would never exclude MIL from seeing her grandchild any more than I would my own mother.

Also I'm very conscious about being a good DIL - it's absolutely DH's responsibility to maintain contact, wrap gifts, etc - but I make sure I nudge him to offer to help when he should be, I have them over for dinner and make a fuss, am very grateful when they give us help and get them thank you gifts (or again, nudge DH to do it)

I think it’s a hierarchy thing and a possibly a bit of a power struggle between mother / wife. Both have their own morals, standards and values and these can clash. I also think the older people get, the more they DGAF about what they say.

“ I also think the older people get, the more they DGAF about what they say.”

Yep. That’ll be it.

I reckon my DM could potentially end up like one of these MILs. My DB has been with his partner for 6 years and they just got engaged. Over the years my DM has tried to convince him to break up with her multiple times, called her fat and ugly, accused her of being a gold digger, constantly goes on to everyone that she's not good enough for her 'amazing' son...obviously all behind the partner's back!

I'm thankful that my own MIL is absolutely lovely!

I am loving all stories of relationships with MILs - the outright positive ones, the ones that started less positive but have improved with work and commitment and a willingness to accept difference, and also the nightmare ones!

I agree that alcohol/drugs, mental and physical health, generational and cultural differences, and too-high expectations must all be factors. Maybe the generational gap is bigger now? I think it's fair to say that we women are more independent and powerful nowadays than we have ever been, and are still gaining ground. It is not surprising if that causes feelings of resentment or frustration in women who had it less good, I guess. I've noticed one of the things that really gets my MIL going is my 14yo being assertive - not to my MIL, she's too polite for that. But DD might speak about standing up to boys in school who are racist or rude to her, and I can tell my MIL hates that. She always feels compelled to put my DD in her place in such a disloyal, vile, kind of oppressive way.

Maybe the generational gap is bigger now? I think it's fair to say that we women are more independent and powerful nowadays than we have ever been, and are still gaining ground. It is not surprising if that causes feelings of resentment or frustration in women who had it less good,“
How old are these mils you’re talking about? Surely most of them are of the generation of women who did the fighting to get you the independence and power you’re talking about?

My MIL is an amazing, lovely woman. so is my DM.
Mind you, we also don’t see them as a free childcare service (which i quite often see people complain about here)

How old are these mils you’re talking about? Surely most of them are of the generation of women who did the fighting to get you the independence and power you’re talking about?

Yes. Some of the comments on here remind me of those primary school children imagining being 40 ("I can't climb the stairs and soon I will die"). Most MILs with young grandchildren will have been born in the 60s or 70s, not the 1800s, as some posters seem to imagine

I think one big factor in MIL/DIL tension over parenting is the internet. When my DSC were young (I was main carer), mothers, MILs and the older generation were one of the few sources of advice for new parents, especially if, like me, most of your friends didn't yet have DC. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't gratefully lapping up every crumb of wisdom - a lot of it was unsolicited and some of it was barking. But I did get a lot of good advice too. And just getting a variety of opinions, even though I ignored many of them, was a reminder that there are many different ways to parent and still end up with happy, functional adults.

Now there is SM, for advice, which is great - especially being able easily to find other people with a similar approach to parenting. But I do find some MNetters very dismissive of advice from anyone older. There seems to be an assumption that they can't know anything and that, if they say a single thing that's out of date, e.g about weaning, everything else they suggest must be wrong too. Of course, attitudes change, but no one goes through parenting without picking up some useful tips. I suspect many MILs feel constantly rejected and as if their own experience of parenting is not valued.

I also think there is a tendency to become more insular and limit family to woman,man and their children. Extended family is disposable and often posters are encouraged to make that point. "You're his/her family now and the dc".

It doesn't really work that way in the real world, and bar certain situations it shouldn't be the case anyways.

Oh god yes, the “my little family” syndrome.

My MIL is great, we have a cordial relationship and she's helpful without being interfering. She's fairly young at heart and has a very relaxed attitude towards my husband and what he does. But, as others have said, people post about their MILs when there's a problem, nobody's going to start a thread saying "My MIL is perfectly nice and reasonable, we just had a nice cup of tea and a chat" are they?

Totally agree, WhiskeyLullaby, and that's another thing encouraged by SM. Must be so claustrophobic for children, once they're past the tiny stage.

As soon as I met MIL (and FIL but he has passed now and we’re talking MILs) I thought wtaf? Not that she hasn’t always been nice to me on a surface level but I just found the family dynamic really odd (a bit like treading on eggshells). MIL had/has fallen out with a lot of their family (common denominator always seemed to be them) and I can see why.
I haven’t fallen foul of her but I don’t agree with a lot of things she’s said and done over the years.
DH would prob have her round more often now but He goes to see her mainly and I see her maybe 4-6 weeks? That’s enough for me.
To be fair she’s a good grandma, but does like to put her two penneth in a bit too much.

Eh, I was born in the early 70s and nowhere near granny stage - and I had my kids fairly young.

Eh, I was born in the early 70s and nowhere near granny stage - and I had my kids fairly young

Average age in the UK of first becoming a GP is 49 link

Mine is lovely, although technically not MIL as divorced but still on great terms, in fact she told me recently she never wanted me to not be in her life! My mum is also a great MIL so I guess we're lucky!

Hard to say what MIL was like as a DIL. Don't think they were ever close enough for her to butt heads and her MIL got dementia pretty early on so wasn't actively present or interfering in her life to be tested. But that generation were odd in how they dealt with things. I don't think we can extrapolate to women now. For example SIL was molested by a relative but MIL brushed it under the carpet. I'm sure this denial still happens but hopefully not as much as it appears to have in the past as people were more concerned about the stigma of it.

MILs own mother was utterly vile and I see a lot of her in how MIL deals with things.

I recon at least half of the batshit mil threads on here are either made up or wildly exaggerated.

It's the bloody hormones.

Only someone who has been on the receiving end will understand that no it is not made up or exaggerated. They really do pull these kinds of stunts.

My MIL threatened to sit outside our flat in her car all night the night before our wedding, to 'make us see sense'.

Her behaviour in the lead up to our wedding had become so bizarre and erratic that DH had to formally rescind her invitation in writing. She replied 'You think you can keep me away? Ha ha ha. I would like the fish starter, steak main and cheese board for dessert please'

Bonkers.

She didn't come. She hasn't met our DC.

@brassbrass agree! Although I hope my story will help if someone is struggling. It took DH 14 years to put some boundaries in place, and we went through the tears, shouting and then silent treatment which have worked in the past. But she really has taken it on board and I made sure I let go of my resentment pdq once she started to behave ‘normally’. And we do actually natter/ text and I even enjoy their stays now, even if at times it is just getting pleasure out of the love she and the kids have for each other.

It’s awful that some people have such crazy MIL’s (if the threads are true).

Mine is a lovely woman but the run up and around to big events in our life (buying and moving into our home / getting married / having babies) she has done my head in with what I think she thinks is helpful behaviour / comments / inputs but is really her just trying to apply/force is to do how she would do things.

She also only has boys so I feel maybe she’s missing a female point of view having been around males so much her whole life.

I try take the above into account and try think of when my own darling DS is older and married what would I be like. I think she’s given me pointers on what not to do!

Mine was lovely.
You only hear one side of story on here and often suspect DIL is just as bad.