to wonder why so many MILs seem to be absolutely and utterly bonkers?

[MILfatigue]

I've just read the thread about the MIL kicking off about a bank account for DGD, and have also been following the one about baby stuff being donated prematurely.

My own MIL has, for the last 18 years, veered, completely unexpectedly and inexplicably, between being lovely, lovable, generous and great company, to being really moody, trying to pick fights with me or subtly bully DD behind DH's back, and generally being very mean. It's like two different people! I can never predict what will bring out mentalist MIL. Don't get me wrong, she's not a patch on some of the MILzillas one reads about on here, but it is still baffling and upsetting.

Problem MILs seem to be such a frequent thing and on MN particularly. Are there any broad theories on what causes this? In my case, I used to think hormones, but that ship has long sailed. Is it just an age-old conflict, has it got worse recently, or is it worse on MN?

Genuinely curious.

My mil is a crazy neurotic big mouthed undiplomatic mean woman.

It's not because she's my mil that i dislike her, I'd dislike her anyway if I knew her other than through DH.

The only way her husband could tolerate living with her was because he was deaf.

Well I know for a fact that mine hates me because "I've taken her baby away from her" because those are her words, screamed in my face, followed by "you ruined his life, he should still be living at home with me you bitch"

He's 35.

Sooooo... Yeah 🤷‍♀️

She also hates me because we don't want children and I (not we) am doing this to spite her because she knows how much she wants a granddaughter.......

*@BertrandRussell “Possibly the same reason as why there are so many batshit crazy and nasty DIL. On mumsnet anyway.“

But there aren’t!*

Some of the people complaining about their MIL on MN seem batshit crazy to me. And I say that as the world's loveliest MIL 😇

I think the very very worst mil and mine is in that category, is that they stop supporting dil and grandchildren and stop being in contact when their son's family units breakup. It happens all the time and is incredibly short sighted and backfires for the mil hugely. Mils that act like this is basically severing relationships forever with their grandchildren and Dil even if son's family get back together . I hope mils you are reading this. Are able to rise above and not take sides. And if your son is being a fucking shit head or cheating or whatever, how about acknowledging it and saying how sorry about the way things have turned out to the Dil and children rather than remaining that stiff upper silent lip. Honestly, you gain nothing.

Oh yes and it was my fault that the local housing market crashing. For some inexplicable reason.

So yeah, she's batshit and all her behaviour has done has pushed her son away.

As a mum to 3 sons I'm a bit worried about all the negative press mil's get. Men don't seem to have as many issues with their mil's but women always seem to be bitching about them. Don't really know what it's all about. I know I sometimes find that my mil can say something that annoys me more than it would if my mum said it but that's not really fair I guess.

As the mother of one DS I find the idea very sad that when he and his future DP have DC they will more than likely be a lot closer to their maternal grandparents than to us.

I wonder if a lot of the problems stem from the MIL feeling left out/ redundant if they are seeing their DS (and his DC) becoming closer to maternal family than to themselves.

I am on my THIRD MIL despite only being married once. My FIL is a major philanderer

My MIL died a few years ago and I miss her, she was fab. She was certainly difficult sometimes, but overall she was an amazing human being.

My ex-step-MIL and step-MIL are both ghastly but in very different ways. Ex-step-MIL is mellowing a bit with age. She was vile to me for years, but is now being all chummy so she can spend time with my baby. I'll take it.

My own mother is a loon

I adore my MIL. She's a beautiful person (though now only her shell is left, thanks to Alzheimers)
The day she told me she loved me, as she hugged me goodbye, was incredibly special to me. Through her unwitting example, she taught me how to mother. My own mother, not so much.

It seems from reading MN that so many DILs expect their MIL to become way down the list of their sons priority. That they shouldn’t matter anymore
Yep.

“Sunflower234

I don’t care what anyone says- if you’re a MIL you can’t behave the same way a maternal grandparent can with the children. Unless you are very close with your sons wife”

Why on Earth not? Paternal grandparents are just as important as maternal grandparents.

Your comment Sunflower234 clearly demonstrates why DILs fall out with MILs. You are trying to exclude your DPs parents. Just not on.

My parents in law were 100 times better with, and more involved with my children - even though they lived further away from us than my parents did.
It's absolute nonsense to think that a child's father's parents can't be equally involved grandparents - unless of course the DIL freezes them out.

I don’t get on all that well with my mother, mother in law or my stepmother. It’s possible that it is me with the problem. It’s a bit sad. I could have done with one nice motherly mother figure in my life.

My MIL is lovely! I genuinely really love her she’s great.

SIL on the other hand.... (DP brothers wife) is AWFUL!

I think about this a lot because I have a batshit one and I don't want to be a hideous MiL when my kids grow up.

For my MiL I think her home was the only place she felt like she had control/ could have control. The rest of her life men had the control. Now she's lost that perceived control she does anything to scrabble it back including heaps of emotional blackmail, playing the victim or hero in every story and crying when she doesn't get enough attention. It's bloody tiring.

@saraclara I felt the same about my mil who is also a victim of Alzheimer’s. It breaks my heart to see her now. There are occasional flashes and she might say something typical of her when she was mentally sound. It’s heartbreaking. She was an amazing lady.

Don't even know where to start with my mil...
Only a few examples..
She rates all of her dil's depending on who has bought her a gift that week, visited her more than the other.
She actually tells us to our faces who's the best that week.
I just find this very childish but keep my mouth closed!

When my dd was born mil gave her a gift but then asked for it back 2 weeks later.
She would try and cause arguments over the smallest of things just after giving birth to dd such as wanting to stay over night at the hospital as she could take care of the baby better than myself or any mw.
Hospital policy was no overnight visitors.
This again caused an argument and tears.
A lot of this ruined our first few weeks of being parents.
It should have been a wonderful time and I don't think I'll ever fully forgive her.

Saying she is going to visit waiting in all day and her not turning up as in her own words I decided to go out with friends and forgot to let you know. Suppose I had a better offer.

The list goes on and on!!

I think MIL had some mental health issues, or a personality disorder. Thing is, her eldest child is exactly the same. This weird ‘pity me’ routine about everything - poor me I had to go to work, poor me I had to wash up etc etc. Like no one else does these things.

No one from DHs family had ever moved away. Then DH did and it’s something she just didn’t understand or approve of. He was the first person to have any education/professional job and it completely bewildered her. She would not understand he wasn’t going to move home. I think many of the issues were caused as we only saw each other when we were staying with each other. She hated leaving home, and honestly staying at theirs was just fucking horrible. No one was at their best probably or ever just relaxed!

MIL didn’t like me as I ‘wouldn’t do as I was told’. She expected me to do everything she suggested, what to eat, where to go on holiday, where to go food shopping. Furious that I didn’t do a thing. The ironic thing is she hated her own MIL trying to tell her what to do.