to wonder why so many MILs seem to be absolutely and utterly bonkers?

[MILfatigue]

I've just read the thread about the MIL kicking off about a bank account for DGD, and have also been following the one about baby stuff being donated prematurely.

My own MIL has, for the last 18 years, veered, completely unexpectedly and inexplicably, between being lovely, lovable, generous and great company, to being really moody, trying to pick fights with me or subtly bully DD behind DH's back, and generally being very mean. It's like two different people! I can never predict what will bring out mentalist MIL. Don't get me wrong, she's not a patch on some of the MILzillas one reads about on here, but it is still baffling and upsetting.

Problem MILs seem to be such a frequent thing and on MN particularly. Are there any broad theories on what causes this? In my case, I used to think hormones, but that ship has long sailed. Is it just an age-old conflict, has it got worse recently, or is it worse on MN?

Genuinely curious.

My exMIL was a strange lady. Thankfully shes now someone elses problem. She once walked out of the bathroom totally starkers when I was visiting and started a conversation! Definite "refrigerator mother' type to exH.

My DP's Mum however ranks above my DM and equal with my DAunt. Ive been on holiday with her and DP's family and it was great. Fab cook and great DM to her kids. Lady who takes no crap but is so warm and loving that Ive told her stuff that my DM will never know and value her advice (She made DP and he is about as close to the perfect bloke a girl can get) I'm lucky I know if she ever needs a carehome I'd kidnap her first as DP is the eldest so I'd call dibs

Total strikeout fail there

And yet all these bonkers MILs managed to raise a son that the wife loved enough to marry and have children with

I would bet that most of the husbands/partners think the same of their MIL too, you're only getting one, very biased, view of a situation.

For some obscure reason most women on this site consider their MIL to be totally inferior to their own mother when in reality she has exactly the same position as her mother.

@GunpowderGelatine congratulations back to you. What a needlessly aggressive post. Calm your temper love. You sound like you grew up in a gutter.

Who dragged you up?

My own MIL has, for the last 18 years, veered, completely unexpectedly and inexplicably, between being lovely, lovable, generous and great company, to being really moody, trying to pick fights with me

Sounds like a normal person or are you expecting us to believe that you are 100% even tempered and never have mnood swings? Pants on fire!!

To be fair Angela, your post did come across as being a wee bit fucked up.
You kind of proved Gunpowder’s point.

Problem MILs seem to be such a frequent thing and on MN particularly

Dangerous to assume MN is in any way reflective of real life.

I read about just as mums on MN who have treated their children appallingly as I do about the batshit MiLs.

Fwiw, MiL pisses OH and DD off way more than she annoys me.

I think @GunpowderGelatine is right. The image of older women and MiLs presented on here is a parody.

To be fair Angela, your post did come across as being a wee bit fucked up. You kind of proved Gunpowder’s point.

Yep. Ridiculous to assume MiLs hate any woman who loves their son.

I find people complain about their mother in laws a lot in real life too. I get that they're never going to be what you're used to from growing up, but mine's pretty great. She (and fil) love ds, help out with child care, will help DH and I if we need things doing round the house/pets feeding, doesnt outwardly judge our parenting decisions, etc. We see parent in laws for dinner almost weekly and it doesnt feel like a chore.

My own mother is great as well but wonder what her son in laws would say about her as a mil!

My MIL is incredible, amazing, I love her. I don't think I've ever mentioned her on here, maybe bc no problems. My own mother died years ago, so maybe that's part of it.

I've posted on here about my MIL so I can empathise with others posting about their MIL. The problem with mine is that she likes to be in control of everyone and everything. I just refuse to be another person she can control.

I think where there are issues, it usually comes down to control. I think a lot of these dominant mothers/MILs have been very invested in their own motherhood, and it becomes core to their identity. Trouble seems to start or intensify when their first grandchild is born, and I think they assume the role of chief mother and matriarch and are outraged when the baby’s actual mother doesn’t go along with it. Add in the fact that when they hold their newborn grandchild for the first time, there is probably this incredible rush of love, evoking feelings they had holding their own babies, but now there’s this bloody woman interminably breast feeding and “hogging” their delicious new grandchild. It is probably more common a problem between MILs and DILs than mothers and daughters, just because mothers are more likely to empathise with their own daughters whom they’ve loved and cared for for 20+ years, than they are with someone they’ve only met as an adult. Also it is easier to tell your own mother, jokingly or otherwise, to back off, so things are less likely to escalate and fester than with in-laws.
The situations I’ve read here about women coming home the day after giving birth to a house full of in-laws occupying all the soft seating and expecting the new mother to host and make tea, while they pass the baby around, are surely much less likely to occur with mothers and daughters, as all but the most narcissistic mothers will be concerned for their post-partum daughter and not just the baby; and the daughter/ new mother is far more likely to tell her sister to move her lazy, unstitched arse off the sofa so she can sit down, than she is her sister-in-law.

The fact the father-in-laws are less often a bone of contention surely reflects the fact that historically men haven’t centred their identity on their paternal skills, so the daughter-in-law isn’t seen as usurping his role.

I’m pretty sure that my own mother would have been a pretty awful MIL had my brother had children and lived anywhere near her.

My MIL was lovely - expressed her opinion on our parenting every so often but she'd had four kids so not unreasonable to have an opinion, but she didn't push it and we just chose to ignore bits we didn't agree with rather than turn it into a battle. Was all fine. She got dementia and it was awful to see her disappear in front of our eyes. I miss her.

My MIL is gorgeous. I'm a lecturer and I brought her in to talk to 25 students about positive ageing. They loved her. I've known her for 23 years and she's always been there to help but never in an interfering way. My DDs adore her. She's got her faults; terrible time management and opinionated about the faults of the NHS but wouldn't swap her.

my DM is very difficult. Selfish, demanding and ungrateful. I have done so much for her and she barely acknowledges it and constantly informs me "you will have to do X, it needs doing". No asking or manners.

On the other hand my MIL is amazing. we speak daily, nothing is ever too much trouble and shes a fantastic mother/grandma.

Sometimes it's actually the DIL who are absolutely vile and purposely make things difficult. There are many kind MIL's and there are many wonderful DIL's. However, there certainly are some horrendous MIL's just as there are DIL's.

I just want to say hurrah for my daughter in law and everlasting thanks to her for taking my son off my hands , she can have whatever I can give her.

I'd never met the mother of a boyfriend before I met DH's mum so had nothing to compare my MIL to. His two sisters (who I get on brilliantly with) warned me I was in for a rough ride. He was the golden child and she has never forgiven me for marrying him. She cried at our wedding and even after 25 years she never misses an opportunity to be horrible. We have 3DC and oddly she acts the same way with the partner of my eldest son. She has eight grandchildren but goes out of her way to favour our DS1. I just find it weird and use her as a template on how not to be as a MIL. DS1's partner of six years and I have a fantastic relationship. She calls and visits regularly, whereas I have no voluntary involvement with MIL. We compare notes on her latest passive aggressive act and attention seeking attempt. One of the most recent was when she became very upset because she felt ignored at MY DM's funeral!

I wonder if there is more conflict with MILs, or it just seems so on here?

And if there is more conflict, I wonder if it's because of the average age of marrying increasing. Or more second live in relationships/marriages? I know a big part of my conflict with my MIL was because I was older: I'd lived with partners before. I'd lived on my own. I'd thrived as an adult for 15 years before I met her son. So when she tried to tell me how to do things (like how to organise washing like her, how to cook like her, how to host, where we would be celebrating Xmas, how to raise my kids) I was a bit ... "no". It caused so much friction. I really disliked being treated as if I was an idiot with no mind and no idea how to look after myself. She really didn't enjoy being told no. I wonder if I was much younger when I met and married her son, I'd have been a bit more grateful for her advice and acquiesced to her demands. Maybe I'd have seen her interfering as being really helpful?

Can't help but wonder how many of these posters with horrific mother in laws have sons and how they plan to do things differently when those sons grow up?

My mother in law has diagnosed mental health issues, it's hard for DH, I feel nothing but sympathy for her and him for their difficult relationship, and for the fact she has pretty much no relationship with our kids. She'd fit right slap bang in the middle of many 'bonkers MIL' stories but that's no reason for me to exclude or ridicule her.