wife is complaining i stay up late

[Leyden82]

Hi there

Let me explain this.

My wife and I have been married for a year in Nov.

My wife and I don't work 9-5 mon to fri jobs. My wife is a care assistant at a care home she works 14 hrs and doesn't get home until 2200 she goes straight to bed if shes working the next day as she will get up at 0530.

I am a police officer so I work varying shifts earlies, back and nights.

the problem comes when my wife is working the next day and im on my well deserved days off. she continually complains and expects me to come to bed early because if I stay up late and come to bed later it will wake her up.

I understand its not ideal but I don't think its fair of her to get on at me because im not coming to bed on my days off at 2200. if shes off and im on early shift I don't expect her to come to bed when I am because I know she is off. all that would happen is id be lying there in the dark awake because im not tired and off the next day.

when im off as we all do I like to chill watch a film with a wee drink. but im expected to go to bed instead of enjoying my rest days.

I finished work at midnight lastnight and I wasn't tired so I sat up and had a couple of drinks to chill out. my wife slept in another room so I didn't disturb her when I came to bed.

both of us had a fantastic nights sleep.

My wife is a sprawler and I continually wake up in the night teetering on the edge of the bed about to fall off because she is starfished over the bed. I have to wake her to tell her to move over. is it better to have separate beds/ rooms.

Am I being unreasonable or is she? what can I do to resolve this?

Yanbu but the sleeping is obviously an issue. You could invest in a giant bed or just sleep separately the times when one of you needs to get up early?

Could she sleep through a film? I’m a light sleeper and if dp comes up or goes down after I’ve fell asleep I’m straight back up, was a bugger when ds was up every few hours and I’d inevitably be a yo-yo all night. I’m fine if the tv’s on when I go to bed but a new noise wakes me up.

Is she only 14hours a week or 14hours a shift (my works 7 or 13hour shifts) if it’s 14 hours and you’re not tired why not sleep in a separate room that one night.

Separate beds are ok occasionally if they work but I don’t think it’s great in the long run.

Do you come to bed a bit pissed from your drinks, stumble around, turn the light on, find things, get water and generally poss about? Or do you slip into bed in the dark, silently?

Because my answer depends...

she works 4 14 hr shifts

Yanbu and I'd also consider separate bedrooms if you have the space? Only on the days she's working and you're not.

MrsTerryPratchett.

I might come to bet a bit pissed but I never put the light on and ill get into my PJs before she gets home as to not disturb her. I try to slip into bed as not to disturb her. also it doesn't matter if ive had a drink or not most times ill just be sitting up watching tv with a brew. shell still complain

its funny as she wears hearing aids and without them cant hear a bloody thing and doesn't wear them to bed. however when I come to bed ive just got into the room and she wakes up startled as if she is being attacked. she is a very light sleeper.

Why not just sleep in seperate beds?

Surely the solution is that you sleep in separate beds on the nights that your days off coincide with her having to be up at 5.30am? It doesn’t really have to be an issue.
If DH comes to bed later than me, it wakes me up and I struggle to get back to sleep. So if he wants to stay up, he tends to sleep in the spare bed that night. No drama.

Just have seperate beds. I don't share with husband. I love my own room.

i think you need to acknowledge your differing shift patterns, and sleep in separate beds. You can then make it a treat when you do sleep together "My place or yours?"

Lunafortheloveofgod
she said that come to bed and watch tv but as you said if I get up to get a drink/snack/toilet etc she wakes up. so I think its best for her if I come to bed once and when she wakes its only once rewather tham me being up and down and waking her several times.

I just think its unfair of her to believe I shoud go to bed on my days off but I don't ask her to go to bed when she is off the next day as I respect the fact she wants do chill out on her days off and not be ordered to bed like a child.

As someone who is a light sleeper, pissed DH always wakes me up. Bastard. I love him the rest of the time.

Waking up later in the night when you have to be up really early for a 14 hour shift is awful. Sleep elsewhere those nights!

YABU but some people are light sleepers and once woken find it hard to get back to sleep, it sound like your wife is one of those. Separate bedrooms for when you have very different shift patterns are a good idea. When neither of you have work the next day, sleep together but buy a bigger bed so you’re not annoying each other!

She's not being unreasonable you are. If you love her it's a small act of kindness really isn't it?

Sometimes I like to go to bed early and DH wants to stay up and watch a film. He knows coming to bed will wake me so he gets ready for bed then goes to the spare room to sleep. It is not a big issue. Sometimes we sleep in the same bed and sometimes we don't.

I don’t sleep well either, my hubby comes to bed with me and watches stuff in bed on the iPad with ear phones.
I also get unsettled if he stays downstairs ☹️

@GettingPdOff I cannot see how OP is being unreasonable at all. Explain your thinking?

She's not being unreasonable you are. If you love her it's a small act of kindness really isn't it?

No, it isn't. I wouldn't be happy being sent to bed on the whim of someone else. I grew out of that happening past being a kid.

We have a 6 foot bed in ‘our’ bedroom (I take up a lot of space) and my DH sleeps in ‘his’ room (which doubles as the spare bedroom) about 5 nights a week.
We both get a better nights sleep, and don’t disturb each other going to bed or getting up.
Works for us.

@GettingPdOff you think I should not enjoy my days off and go to bed early and lie awake in the dark just so I don't wake my wife, while on my wifes days off she is free to do as she pleases?

While I don't think you should be ordered to bed I'd be really pissed off if after a 14 hour shift with another to go and only 7 1/2 hours sleep in between and you came through and woke me up (on what sounds like a regular basis) in fact I'd be more than just pissed off id be evaluating why my partner doesn't care enough about my well being to make sure I'm left to sleep.

Does she wake you when your shifts mean you are sleeping during her waking time?

So...seperate beds?

There must be a compromise between you waking her up and you being made to go through too early for you to sleep.

Agree about separate beds. If you have the space then do it. It doesn't have to be every night – we sleep separately sometimes, together others, just depending on what's going on. Neither of you are being unreasonable, as such, but the current situation just doesn't work for either of you. You quite rightly don't want to go to bed before you're ready and she quite rightly doesn't want to be woken up when you come to bed late.

You're both being unreasonable. Just sleep in separate beds. I don't see why either of you haven't already come to this conclusion or why a huge drama has to be made out of it.