wife is complaining i stay up late

[Leyden82]

Hi there

Let me explain this.

My wife and I have been married for a year in Nov.

My wife and I don't work 9-5 mon to fri jobs. My wife is a care assistant at a care home she works 14 hrs and doesn't get home until 2200 she goes straight to bed if shes working the next day as she will get up at 0530.

I am a police officer so I work varying shifts earlies, back and nights.

the problem comes when my wife is working the next day and im on my well deserved days off. she continually complains and expects me to come to bed early because if I stay up late and come to bed later it will wake her up.

I understand its not ideal but I don't think its fair of her to get on at me because im not coming to bed on my days off at 2200. if shes off and im on early shift I don't expect her to come to bed when I am because I know she is off. all that would happen is id be lying there in the dark awake because im not tired and off the next day.

when im off as we all do I like to chill watch a film with a wee drink. but im expected to go to bed instead of enjoying my rest days.

I finished work at midnight lastnight and I wasn't tired so I sat up and had a couple of drinks to chill out. my wife slept in another room so I didn't disturb her when I came to bed.

both of us had a fantastic nights sleep.

My wife is a sprawler and I continually wake up in the night teetering on the edge of the bed about to fall off because she is starfished over the bed. I have to wake her to tell her to move over. is it better to have separate beds/ rooms.

Am I being unreasonable or is she? what can I do to resolve this?

OH and I have this issue. He works from home and I'm off sick so we're home all day. Since we don't have to be up by any time in the morning often one of us will stay up later. He can sleep through anything and I wake up at the slightest thing.

We got a super king sized bed (6 foot wide) and it's really helped. I don't "feel" him getting into bed as much so it's much easier to get back to sleep, and we can both sprawl out with plenty of space left.

A light with a dimmer switch also helped, he can see enough to get undressed without lighting the whole room up and waking me.

She is being unreasonable expecting you to come to bed at the same time. Having time to unwind after work is essential and we are all allowed to slob in front of the telly on our day off. However, if she is a light sleeper it really would be best if you could find a way to not disturb her after she's gone to bed. Her sleep patterns are as important as yours.

It does sound like the two of you need to talk through your particular shift situation though and find a solution that works for you, separate beds if need be.

FWIW my partner has always worked night shift. He's a natural night owl, so would always be later to bed than me anyway. We essentially have a time share bed. I get it at night, he gets it during the day. Works for us but would not suit your more changeable shift patterns.

My issue with this (such as it is) comes from the wording from the OP. THey have gone to great lengths to describe their wife’s shortcomings, and now in the answer to me, at further length describing how she doesn’t do any cooking...this is obviously a source of great resentment, so now he has at least two issues about which he feels real irritation. Which may or may not be reasonable, but by ignoring that underlying resentment you will not get to the bottom of your problems. Oh, and as for “OP does actually have a super important job” I’m not saying they don’t, just that it is their choice, and not something to be accommodated at the detriment of another (loved) person. I recognise the language, I know what the subtext is, whatever the gender of the complainer/OP. There is far more to this than just being woken up. Add on the idea that the wife is doing unhelpful loud stuff when OP is trying to sleep, it sounds like a mass of passive aggressive scariness to me!

YANBU. She sounds a bit demanding! Light sleepers a are a bit annoying tho (although not their fault!). Just sleep in another room or downstairs on these nights.

YANBU.

Light sleepers a are a bit annoying tho

Yeah, it’s pretty annoying for me to be woken up multiple times a night by the slightest noise/movement, and to struggle to get back to sleep for hours to the extent that I’ve existed on 3-4 hours sleep for years and years, and lack of sleep has caused me mental health problems.
Must be worse for my DH though .

My fiancé is a paramedic so I understand your shift pattern troubles. We have a spare bed in a separate bedroom. Not often used now but can come in handy sometimes. I know it's not ideal to be sleeping separately but for when you're clashing over bedtimes / shift patterns could that be a solution? Then you could share a bed the rest of the time.