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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wife is complaining i stay up late

157 replies

Leyden82 · 24/10/2019 20:08

Hi there

Let me explain this.

My wife and I have been married for a year in Nov.

My wife and I don't work 9-5 mon to fri jobs. My wife is a care assistant at a care home she works 14 hrs and doesn't get home until 2200 she goes straight to bed if shes working the next day as she will get up at 0530.

I am a police officer so I work varying shifts earlies, back and nights.

the problem comes when my wife is working the next day and im on my well deserved days off. she continually complains and expects me to come to bed early because if I stay up late and come to bed later it will wake her up.

I understand its not ideal but I don't think its fair of her to get on at me because im not coming to bed on my days off at 2200. if shes off and im on early shift I don't expect her to come to bed when I am because I know she is off. all that would happen is id be lying there in the dark awake because im not tired and off the next day.

when im off as we all do I like to chill watch a film with a wee drink. but im expected to go to bed instead of enjoying my rest days.

I finished work at midnight lastnight and I wasn't tired so I sat up and had a couple of drinks to chill out. my wife slept in another room so I didn't disturb her when I came to bed.

both of us had a fantastic nights sleep.

My wife is a sprawler and I continually wake up in the night teetering on the edge of the bed about to fall off because she is starfished over the bed. I have to wake her to tell her to move over. is it better to have separate beds/ rooms.

Am I being unreasonable or is she? what can I do to resolve this?

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 24/10/2019 22:23

I don't think you should be looking for simple 'fairness' here. She's a light sleeper and you're not by the sounds of it. So you may both need different things. The issue is to find a solution that works for you both so that she gets a good night's sleep and you get to relax on your time off. It's not about having the same treatment each. BTW is she menopausal? if so she may be even more unsettled with her sleep and need some extra care around that.

gamerchick · 24/10/2019 22:24

He wants to watch TV while I sleep but I can't sleep if there's any lights on - so we are in a predicament, we can't compromise

That is the compromise if you want him to go to bed at the same time as you. You can't have it all your own way.

chipsandgin · 24/10/2019 22:25

So separate bedrooms suggested by the majority of posters but completely ignored by OP. Doesn’t have to be every night - just the problematic ones where shifts don’t match. Totally solves the problem - presuming solving the problem was the point of the OP. So why ignore the advice?

SoyDora · 24/10/2019 22:26

He wants to watch TV while I sleep but I can't sleep if there's any lights on - so we are in a predicament, we can't compromise

You can compromise, you just don’t want to.

Drabarni · 24/10/2019 22:28

If you can find other times for closeness then separate bedrooms might be the answer.
There are certain times in our work patterns that me and dh do this, and I tend to work better into the night.
But we make sure we have close time and a good sex life away from a set bedtime.

Lunafortheloveogod · 24/10/2019 22:32

@Darkbloom an eye mask? Or eye mask, tablet/phone n headphones if the noise would bug you as well?

There’s usually a compromise somewhere it’s how willing people are to try them out for a bit first before a straight nope that’ll never work.

I still can’t work out what meal prepping dinner has to do with what bed you sleep in.

Spea28 · 24/10/2019 22:33

Both me and my husband work in the care industry and on different shifts, I struggle more than him to stay up late, I'm a very light sleeper (literally wake at the sound of a snail) and can achieve only a few hours of sleep a night, anyway, I would never expect him to come to bed at the same time as me, I always wake when he comes to bed and sure I'm awake for around 30 mins to an hour after he's snoring his head off which is flipping annoying, but that's life and I get over it, so I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting to destress or relax for longer downstairs, everyone sleeps differently and have different bed times....
As for the mornings where he is off and I'm up for work I get up and shower, dry my hair and do all sorts in the bedroom getting ready, he doesn't mind this as I need to get ready. When I'm off and he's working he also potters around the bedroom getting ready and I accept it too. I think your wife is being a tad selfish in expecting you to bend to her whim on those things but that's just my perspective and others will slate me for my opinion but every relationship is different and people are more tolerant in some ways than in others.

Drogosnextwife · 24/10/2019 22:45

JUST SLEEP IN SEPARATE ROOMS!!!!!!!!!

Drogosnextwife · 24/10/2019 22:45

You seem to be ignoring that no matter how many times people say it

Natsel84 · 24/10/2019 22:48

I second the separate beds scenario.... So OP... after all the advice you have been given , what are you going to ?

Celebelly · 24/10/2019 22:50

To the PO who can't sleep with any light, just use an eye mask?!

RB68 · 24/10/2019 22:52

When you have a late one and she is on earlies YOU sleep elsewhere. I am like your wife - I prefer other person in bed sleeping same time or I struggle to get to sleep and if they come in later doesn't matter how quiet they are I wake - its motion and kicking the bed as much as anything. If you sleep separately on these nights and then everyone gets good sleep - no one then is waiting for someone else to come to bed or trying to sneak around getting fed up as OH wakes

Original poster
Leyden82 · 24/10/2019 22:55

@Ragwort I do acknowledge the advice unfortunately I have. 3 bed house with my kids so it looks like I’ll have to get a massive bed

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 24/10/2019 22:56

A massive bed? Where? How does that help?

Natsel84 · 24/10/2019 23:07

@leyden82 so what are you going to do ?

Butterisbest · 24/10/2019 23:21

Wolfiefan
A massive bed? Where? How does that help?
It won't, the op is ignoring all sensible suggestions and will fling out stuff like this. Then he'll say well I tried, while not trying to resolve the problem at all, then he'll play hard done by and go into massive hurty mode and his wife will post on here in a while and ask for help and advice on dealing with her 14 hour shifts when her husband won't facilitate her need to sleep.
I could be completely wrong here though

Branster · 24/10/2019 23:24

Leyden82 both of you have very demanding and important jobs and both of you need proper rest to function properly and for your long term health but you run on different schedules and body clocks. And you should both feel comfortable to carry out whatever activities you want when the other is asleep without constant fear of ‘walking on shells’ as long as you are both reasonable and don’t put the tv on really loud or start playing the drums when the other is asleep.
It’s very kind of you to get ready for bed before DP goes to bed so you don’t disturb her even more. You need to go one step further and use a spare bed on such nights. Nothing you can do about disturbing when you come home at 2AM, the door will make a noise or vibrate somehow and that’s that. Not sure how effective earplugs are, but you can try them when you need to sleep whilst DP wants to dry her hair or do the hoovering.
As an aside, I see no reason why some posters are picking on you.

Branster · 24/10/2019 23:29

He’s not ignoring the advice, he just said spare bed is not an option in their current setting!
Or 2 beds next to each other so the mattress doesn’t move when you get in the bed?

HandsOffMyRights · 24/10/2019 23:36

We have separate rooms because we are dreadful sleepers. In the week we both have to be up, so we only bshare at weekends.

It works very well.

minesagin37 · 24/10/2019 23:46

Just sleep separately when one of you absolutely needs to not be woken. We do that but we do have the space.

steff13 · 25/10/2019 00:52

Then he'll say well I tried, while not trying to resolve the problem at all, then he'll play hard done by and go into massive hurty mode and his wife will post on here in a while and ask for help and advice on dealing with her 14 hour shifts when her husband won't facilitate her need to sleep.

If, assuming there's a spare bed in the house somewhere, couldn't she facilitate her own sleep by sleeping in that bed? If we're assuming there is a spare bed, and the OP is just stubbornly refusing to sleep in it, his wife could sleep in the spare bed, this preserving her own sleep.

StreetwiseHercules · 25/10/2019 06:10

See if someone wakes you up by coming to bed? I have a solution for that. Just go back to sleep.

Problem solved for all the “light sleepers” of the world.

StinkGhoul · 25/10/2019 06:20

I don’t have a lot of sympathy for “light sleepers”. It’s normally accompanied by a tendency for mopery and whining

WTF am I reading? How would anyone be in control of how light or heavy their sleep is?

See if someone wakes you up by coming to bed? I have a solution for that. Just go back to sleep. Problem solved for all the “light sleepers” of the world.

Do you really have no understanding of how disturbed sleep impacts someone?

This place is ridiculous sometimes.

StreetwiseHercules · 25/10/2019 06:28

I’ve been woken up by my kids every night for 6 years. That’s broken sleep. The idea of being annoyed by being woken up by my DW coming to bed is just ridiculous. If that did wake me up I can simply.....go back to sleep. What joy.

Honestly people need to behave. “I need you to come to bed at the same time as me for comfort” is emotional blackmail and women infantilising themselves.

A poor show.

PulpPixie · 25/10/2019 06:59

Your wife is in the wrong. Can’t believe some posters are saying his job isn’t as important. Some people really hate to side with the men on here even when they are right. I go to bed earlier than DH as I’m up early for work. DH is retired so likes to stay up late. He always wakes me up when he comes in as I’m a light sleeper but I just go back to sleep. Might take a while but so be it. It’s not his fault I’m a light sleeper