wife is complaining i stay up late

[Leyden82]

Hi there

Let me explain this.

My wife and I have been married for a year in Nov.

My wife and I don't work 9-5 mon to fri jobs. My wife is a care assistant at a care home she works 14 hrs and doesn't get home until 2200 she goes straight to bed if shes working the next day as she will get up at 0530.

I am a police officer so I work varying shifts earlies, back and nights.

the problem comes when my wife is working the next day and im on my well deserved days off. she continually complains and expects me to come to bed early because if I stay up late and come to bed later it will wake her up.

I understand its not ideal but I don't think its fair of her to get on at me because im not coming to bed on my days off at 2200. if shes off and im on early shift I don't expect her to come to bed when I am because I know she is off. all that would happen is id be lying there in the dark awake because im not tired and off the next day.

when im off as we all do I like to chill watch a film with a wee drink. but im expected to go to bed instead of enjoying my rest days.

I finished work at midnight lastnight and I wasn't tired so I sat up and had a couple of drinks to chill out. my wife slept in another room so I didn't disturb her when I came to bed.

both of us had a fantastic nights sleep.

My wife is a sprawler and I continually wake up in the night teetering on the edge of the bed about to fall off because she is starfished over the bed. I have to wake her to tell her to move over. is it better to have separate beds/ rooms.

Am I being unreasonable or is she? what can I do to resolve this?

I don’t have a lot of sympathy for “light sleepers”. It’s normally accompanied by a tendency for mopery and whining. The idea that other adults should have to walk on eggshells and make adjustments for them is complete entitlement.

Deaf. Not dead. Damn autocorrect

So from 10ish till you go to bed how many snacks/drinks/loo breaks do you actually have..
Realistically unless you’re up well into the night there can’t be many, logically you take a drink with you as that’s something you’d likely need and maybe were aliens but we both use the loo before bed n dp’s up maybe once in the middle of the night.. I’m up like 4 times but there’s another tiny human kicking my bladder...

You’re more intent on moaning, surely if her drying her hair/hoovering wakes you should say something like can you wait until the evening to do the hoovering, any chance you could do your hair before x.

Maybe without hearing aids she can’t tell your footsteps/noises from anyone else so obviously it’s a jump reaction vs oh that’s him staggering up the stairs half cut.

We’ve already said sleeping in separate beds on the nights she’s up early and you’re off the next day is fine.. as well logically it’s not every night so you’ll still have time together not passing ships.

thank you for you blunt unhelpful advice

My advice, like many other people’s, was to sleep in separate bedrooms on the nights that it’s an issue. But you’re ignoring that and repeating how unfair she’s being.

I can see this from both sides, especially as my fiancé and I were both shift workers when we started living together. I am a very light sleeper and used to be woken up by him coming to bed. We worked out lm usually in a deep sleep by about 1am and he would come to bed round that time. Plus it wasn’t too late for him. I wouldn’t be happy about being told what time and l can see you think 2200 is too early

Apparently my parents used to bicker about bed times when they first got married -my Dad was a night owl like l am

@Purpleartichoke
But is the op not also working hard?

Separate rooms, date nights when your shifts allow, I'm sure this'll fix it!
Good luck , good sleep is so important

My husband and I have this very same issue... we bought a super king bed. Problem solved.

DH and I sleep separately and its idea. He often has days off when I work and he works some weekends when I'm off. Plus we both snore, I toss and turn and he is a out 100 degrees. We sleep together in hotels etc but we both get great sleep and don't hate or resent each other.

It’s unclear from your post - do you mean days where you’ve been off all day? Or days where you’ve only been off work for a few hours by the time she wants to go to bed?

If it’s the latter then YANBU. But if it’s the former I’m not sure why you’re talking about enjoying your day off, since you’ve already done that by the time you’re going to bed.

@Purpleartichoke.

I know and appreciate she works hard that's why when she is off and im not I have no quams with her doing as she pleases and come to bed when she wishes.

I also work hard at an exhausting job but I am expected to come to bed when im off.

please don't latch on to the drinking of watching films . there are more times where I don't watch films or drink. i could be just sat up decompressing with a cuppa . I was using it as an example o matter what im doing its the point that im complained at about not going to bed when she does

All you want to do is moan about your wife, without actually wanting a solution to the problem.

This is my interpretation also.

This is the AIBU forum so IMO you are being because whilst I wouldn't like being told when to go to bed, I also wouldn't do anything that risked my partner not getting enough sleep between a 14 hour shift and an early morning start.

Multiple people have suggested separate beds in the nights that cause the problems. Seems like a perfectly sensible solution to me.

All you want to do is moan about your wife, without actually wanting a solution to the problem.

@SoyDora Do you share this hilarious wisdom on the countless of threads where women are simply moaning about their husbands? Yea, you don't.

Ridiculous post.

What you have described is completely different to what you said earlier though. So of course the advice would be different!

Her waking up "as soon as you open the front door" is completely different to you waking her coming to bed!

Although without her hearing aids in I'm not sure why or how she would be able to hear that (front door) unless you really do not realise that you are actually being very loud

Police do a very important job and care work is an important job too but the actual careers are sort of irrelevant here. both of you need to find a way to live in a way that respects the others needs.
It doesn't matter who is right or wrong if you both want to last long term in this relationship you both need to find a compromise because if not one of you will eventually think fuck it I'm not doing this any more.

My husband gets up for work an hour before I do and goes to bed 90 mins earlier than I like to. It sounds like nothing, but after months of me going to bed too early and lying awake while he fell sound asleep, only to be woken by him getting up while I was in deep sleep, it started to make me constantly tired. We now have separate rooms and sleep blissfully. I think if you’re a couple that can’t sleep without being cuddled up together or who only have sex in bed then it won’t be ideal, but we aren’t like that so it’s great for us.

OP, you are not being unreasonable, and had you not been a man you probably would have had more supporting posts.

I think a compromise has to be agreed, have a discussion about this with her calmly and see what you can agree on. Perhaps sleeping in separate beds or rooms is the solution? Can you facilitate that at all?

And forgot to add, you absolutely ANBU!!! Your job is critically important and shift work can really affect your health. I actually think your needs should come first if she’s unable to compromise, not hers.

IAmPrettyWisdomous err what? How the hell do you know what I post on other threads?
If a woman was simply moaning about an issue without taking any advice on board, yeah I’d say the same. Obviously.
And what do you mean ‘hilarious’? Didn’t realise we were all supposed to be trying to make people laugh?

I cant believe earplugs have been recommended on a thread where the woman is dead

Seriously OP this is a none issue, just go sleep in another bed so you don't disturb her and ask her for maybe a bit of consideration when you've done a Nightshift.

Jobs a good un.

I think you need to speak to her and explain that you need time to wind down and relax after your shifts otherwise you won't sleep and it will affect her sleep.

Myself and my partner have this but we both understand each other's needs are different. I like to get in bed early and watch tv whilst he likes to be on the couch downstairs listening to podcasts. It doesn't mean we don't love each other less we just respect each other's need to do our own thing to wind down.

Just speak to her to explain YANBU I think I would become very unhappy if I was forced to follow a routine.

Hello - I’m just chipping in about the deafness thing - it actually can make you much more sensitive to everything else. My hearing is impaired, and apparently this is why I feel as if DH moving around the room is an earthquake, and him turning in bed is like trying to sleep in a rowing boat. When my kids were babies, I could “hear” them crying, even when I couldn’t hear noise... presumably vibrations or similar? Anyway, she is not being a whiny “light sleeper” and entitled (interesting pp theory ) , but I reckon she’s living with the same issues as me. Oh, and working incredibly hard and maybe having to fit in hoovering etc before going to work? Is it possible that there is some underlying issue with division of labours? Long bow, I know, something when I started writing about hoovering made it pop into my head....

Separate rooms for those nights will save your marriage.

You originally said you went to bed “a bit pissed.” That’d really annoy me if I was up at 5:30 to go to work. It’s really thoughtless. Sleep downstairs if you want to stay up really late.

I actually think your needs should come first

You cannot actually be serious. Both people work in critical roles and both do shifts. Why do the OPs needs trump his partners exactly?

She isn't unreasonable for wanting a decent night's sleep.
You're not unreasonable for being annoyed at being given a bedtime because she has work (especially when you don't do the same in reverse and actually don't complain when she's being loud on her days off).

I think separate beds are the way forward, and can't believe the comments about how the OP is unreasonable because his wife works hard! They both do and are both entitled to their time off work.

@StreetwiseHercules

I don’t have a lot of sympathy for “light sleepers”. It’s normally accompanied by a tendency for mopery and whining. The idea that other adults should have to walk on eggshells and make adjustments for them is complete entitlement.

Hmmm sounds harsh, but I largely agree.

I simply don't understand why people sleep in the same bed if they are working different shifts/have different sleeping patterns. Have separate beds. Indeed, have separate rooms. (If possible!) There's really no shame in it, at all... You get MUCH better sleep.

@Leyden82

Is it possible to sleep in separate bedrooms?

I don't think you're moaning by the way... You are just frustrated. And your wife is too by the sound of it. You are both hard workers, and deserve good sleep and rest.

Good luck!