wife is complaining i stay up late

[Leyden82]

Hi there

Let me explain this.

My wife and I have been married for a year in Nov.

My wife and I don't work 9-5 mon to fri jobs. My wife is a care assistant at a care home she works 14 hrs and doesn't get home until 2200 she goes straight to bed if shes working the next day as she will get up at 0530.

I am a police officer so I work varying shifts earlies, back and nights.

the problem comes when my wife is working the next day and im on my well deserved days off. she continually complains and expects me to come to bed early because if I stay up late and come to bed later it will wake her up.

I understand its not ideal but I don't think its fair of her to get on at me because im not coming to bed on my days off at 2200. if shes off and im on early shift I don't expect her to come to bed when I am because I know she is off. all that would happen is id be lying there in the dark awake because im not tired and off the next day.

when im off as we all do I like to chill watch a film with a wee drink. but im expected to go to bed instead of enjoying my rest days.

I finished work at midnight lastnight and I wasn't tired so I sat up and had a couple of drinks to chill out. my wife slept in another room so I didn't disturb her when I came to bed.

both of us had a fantastic nights sleep.

My wife is a sprawler and I continually wake up in the night teetering on the edge of the bed about to fall off because she is starfished over the bed. I have to wake her to tell her to move over. is it better to have separate beds/ rooms.

Am I being unreasonable or is she? what can I do to resolve this?

See if someone wakes you up by coming to bed? I have a solution for that. Just go back to sleep

Ah, I wish I had tried that in the 29 years I’ve suffered with insomnia! Thanks, you’ve revolutionised my life .
In the real world... sometimes it’s not as easy as ‘go back to sleep’. It takes me at least an hour to get back to sleep after being woken and that’s a good night. Last night I got up to feed my baby at 1am and was still awake at 5am. Not saying everyone has my sleep issues, but often ‘just go back to sleep’ is spectacularly missing the point.

In your OP you mentioned sleeping in a seperate room and ask if seperate rooms/beds is a good idea. What room did you sleep in before?

Re-Reading your op you actually say ‘is it better to have separate beds/rooms?’

The answer, from nearly everyone is ‘yes’ so why are you going round in circles discussing even this?

Jeez can't believe the abuse you're getting on here.

I don't think there is a solution to your problem. I personally think she is a selfish cow.

Who uses a hairdryer when someone is trying to sleep after a night shift!!

Yes you need to wind down after a shift on your job. I think you're just going to have to sleep on the sofa.

But really it feels like it's the beginning of the end doesn't it?

Is everything else ok in the relationship?

This is easily solved. The ideal solution would be a spare room, otherwise a bed settee in the lounge for those nights she doesn't want to be disturbed.

I don’t have a lot of sympathy for “light sleepers”. It’s normally accompanied by a tendency for mopery and whining. The idea that other adults should have to walk on eggshells and make adjustments for them is complete entitlement

. I’m an extremely light sleeper. I didn’t choose to be this way - no-one would! A leaf blowing gently to earth three streets away woukd wake me and it’s for that reason I don’t expect other people to tiptoe around me - because it would have zero effect! I’d still wake up regardless.

The only ‘adjustment’ I’d expect in this case is the obvious one - separate beds.

I agree with those poster who say sleep in separate room.

Unfortunately as you both work different shift patterns, so if you need to sleep separately as that the way the both of you then that what you need to do. You both need to have time to unwind when you get home from work whatever time that is.

FWIW I'm an early riser where as DH is a night owl, and I would never expect him to come to bed with me anymore then he would expect me to stay up with him.

Your wife is being unreasonable in being noisy first thing when you have been on late's anymore then you would be unreasonable if you where crashing around if you got home at 2am.

Op you are getting a lot of abuse here. Sadly that is because you are a man and mumsnetters don't tend to like them on here. Perfect example is how mostly everyone is ignoring you saying that your wife uses the hair dryer and hoover while you are sleeping after a late shift, that is plain inconsiderate! If this was a woman posting and having a moan she would get loads of sympathy.

OP, answer to the advice you have been getting as seperate sleeping whichever way that may be would be worth it. Or go to a more diverse forum where you won't get this level of abuse.

How old is your wife? If she is menopausal she might have menopause related insomnia/sleeplessness as a symptom. It wipes you out. There is a reason that we use witholding sleep as a torture method.

Although if she was in the army she should be able to sleep standing up, it's a skill most of us learned in basic training.

However. The answer is separate rooms. If you don't want that or separate beds try a really big bed with separate mattressess and quilts (as many continental countries do). I'm a light sleeper. If my OH wakes me up i lie for hours trying to get back to sleep and it is like having jet lag for days afterwards.

I don’t have a lot of sympathy for “light sleepers”. It’s normally accompanied by a tendency for mopery and whining. The idea that other adults should have to walk on eggshells and make adjustments for them is complete entitlement.

Mumsnet is the gift that keeps on giving. Sleep is a human necessity. something between 6-8 hours a night, we're all different. But not sleeping over a prolonged period can lead to incredible health problems, and death. That's not entitlement and if someone regularly broke my sleep and came out with that, there would most likely be physical violence. I've read a lot of utter tripe on here over the years but this is in the top 3. Jeez. I'm assuming that most people here have been through the small baby sleepless phase. Sleep deprived parents of babies get a lot of sympathy on here and rightly so.

I'm also taking a punt, because it seems to me that it is a thing, that a lot of people here have no idea what menopause sleeplessness is like because they're not old enough to experience it and it is one of the many symptoms of menopause that older women don't talk about and are expected to just put up with it and that's it.

Good luck, OP. You both need to be creative here.

I'd actually assumed the op was a woman!

The OP hasn’t said if he/she is a man or a woman.

does it matter?

Try these options:

1. Separate beds

Or

1. Sleep on the sofa

Or

1. Buy a sofa bed

For some reason, I thought woman. But then I certainly haven't been abusive towards him / her either... so maybe that pp saying "you're getting abuse because you're a man and MN hates men" was right... I'd like to think not though. I like men. I like women. Like 'em all, as long as they're nice.

My advice still stands that I would go for separate rooms if possible, (it wouldn't be in my tiny house, or else we'd probably have done it by now too), just on nights like this when op wants to stay up and her wife wants to go to bed early. No drama.

@Brefugee

It only matters because a pp said "you're getting abuse BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN".

Brefugee it doesn’t matter at all. I was just responding to the poster who said ‘you’re only getting abuse because you’re a man’.

ah ok - i usually let my eyes slide over the insulting ones

Indeed soy. You will notice that there have been pages of comments @Brefugee, where nobody has even asked what gender the op is, because nobody cares. Why would we all of a sudden be discussing it I wonder? It's because someone said "you're getting abuse because you're a man and MN doesn't like men".

X post. Have a wee read back next time you decide to wade in maybe?

Yanbu. My OH and I are opposites when it comes to sleep and waking. My suggestions would be a king or super king size bed and ear plugs.

When you say youre having a few drinks are tough then coming to bed tipsy and stumbling around and making noise? If so yabu

We have a similar situation, I'm police staff and work a rotating shift pattern, DH does normal office hours.
I tend to stay a bit nocturnal on my rest days after being on nights and couldn't go to bed at 10pm!

We have separate rooms and it works great - we can go to bed and get up when we like without disturbing the other, and visit each other's rooms when we're around at the same time!

I'd actually assumed the op was a woman!

I too assumed a female OP. Don’t male posters often announce their manliness in the OP and then “as a man...” repeatedly throughout the thread (lest we forget)?

Butchyrestingface haha I was going to the same. Men tend to announce that they are male!

I think the only answer is separage rooms/beds

Might seem unromantic but it's the only way for you both to get the rest/ sleep /down time you need.

Disclaimer- advice is the same if OP is male or female. Also I haven't really thought the OP had been getting abuse!

I would have asked 'Has it occurred to you that "come to bed with me" is her hinting that she would like to make love?'.

But going by the way you've responded to PPs, I am beginning to doubt that.