wife is complaining i stay up late

[Leyden82]

Hi there

Let me explain this.

My wife and I have been married for a year in Nov.

My wife and I don't work 9-5 mon to fri jobs. My wife is a care assistant at a care home she works 14 hrs and doesn't get home until 2200 she goes straight to bed if shes working the next day as she will get up at 0530.

I am a police officer so I work varying shifts earlies, back and nights.

the problem comes when my wife is working the next day and im on my well deserved days off. she continually complains and expects me to come to bed early because if I stay up late and come to bed later it will wake her up.

I understand its not ideal but I don't think its fair of her to get on at me because im not coming to bed on my days off at 2200. if shes off and im on early shift I don't expect her to come to bed when I am because I know she is off. all that would happen is id be lying there in the dark awake because im not tired and off the next day.

when im off as we all do I like to chill watch a film with a wee drink. but im expected to go to bed instead of enjoying my rest days.

I finished work at midnight lastnight and I wasn't tired so I sat up and had a couple of drinks to chill out. my wife slept in another room so I didn't disturb her when I came to bed.

both of us had a fantastic nights sleep.

My wife is a sprawler and I continually wake up in the night teetering on the edge of the bed about to fall off because she is starfished over the bed. I have to wake her to tell her to move over. is it better to have separate beds/ rooms.

Am I being unreasonable or is she? what can I do to resolve this?

All you want to do is moan about your wife, without actually wanting a solution to the problem.

On Mumsnet. Which means either his wife is on here and he wants ammo or she's not and he wants a bunch of women to tell him how right he is.

Just sleep in the other room and if what she does doesn't bother you, don't mention it!

I suspect scenarios like this happen in many homes. I know that I am a very light sleeper. I go to bed around 10pm. DD2 works in a bar and gets in around 12.30/1.30 am which wakes me up. DH gets up early for work at around 5.30am which wakes me up. It's just life really.

@SoyDora AS exists. Furthermore, there's hundreds and hundreds of threads where women are simply moaning about their husbands. No one says what you did, as they are allowed to let off steam.

OP is allowed to post as he wishes and he actually has asked for advice which people have given.

Also I see sarcasm goes right over your head.

In short, your post was rude and dismissive.

Oh FFS, the OP has a interesting career type job, and presumably he chose to do it. OP’s wife is doing killer long shifts doing something that was never anyone’s dream job, but she still has to make way for OP’s critical vv important specialness and accomodate him first? Bloody hell.

On Mumsnet. Which means either his wife is on here and he wants ammo or she's not and he wants a bunch of women to tell him how right he is.

My God, what sort of theory is this. Many men post on Mumsnet, it does not mean their partners are on here and they're looking for ammunition ffs. Honestly, some posters on here are fucking ridiculous. Any time a man posts they can't help but behave like an arsehole.

@SoyDora AS exists

I have commented on literally 1000’s of posts on here. If you’ve read all of them then you are insane
I had already posted with my advice earlier on (although you’d know that, having apparently read everything I’ve ever posted on here). My ‘rude and dismissive’ post was because the OP was ignoring all of the suggestions and merely repeating how unreasonable she was being.

@SoyDora You were rude in your first post when you gave your "advice" and then were rude further on. How on earth do you know if the OP has taken on any advice? Many have suggested the same thing so I think he gets the point. But there was no need for your rude and dismissive post. Furthermore, if he simply wanted to moan about his wife - so be it, many people moan about things on here.

Ok, if you insist.

She is being unreasonable, of course you shouldn’t go to bed at 10pm on your nights off. No adult should tell the other when they have to go to bed.
However, it would make more sense that you sleep in a separate room on those nights so as not to disturb her.

Still no response on the separate beds / rooms suggestion then?

It’s almost as if you don’t want a solution.

@Iborjia

i appreciate your information about the hearing impairement

as far as divisions of labour go. i do housework also and i actually am the only person who cooks in the house i prep both our meals for the week of shifts ahead. i actually cant remember the last time my wife cooked anything.

she says she doesn't know how to cook as she served 22 years in the Army and got all her 3 meals a day cooked for her.
I also served 15 years in the army and i can cook fine. there is no dispute about division of labour. she does not hoover before work as that would be before 0700 she hoovers on her days off when i am asleep after finishing my nightshift.

.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not be forced to go to bed earlier than you want, but as others have said, perhaps sleeping in different beds on those nights would be better.

You lost me when you said well deserved days off. That seems to smack of self importance there.
You've said your wife doesn't wear her hearing aids in bed and can't hear a thing, why does she wake up startled when you walk in the room. I'll bet you put the light on don't you?
You've been offered many solutions but you seem determined to refuse any suggestions. So yes you are unreasonable.

Why are you ignoring all the suggestions about sleeping separately? .
My DH & I have separate rooms, we don’t disturb each other, can go to bed/get up whenever we want. I find it odd that adults would naturally choose to go to bed and get up at the same time as each other.

It doesn't matter who is being unreasonable, something will have to give, or the relationship will fail. One of you will need to take the initiative, either your partner changes her job/hours or you have separate beds, have a cuddle and retire to your own bed, or have a cuddle and get up when she's asleep. leave a hot water bottle in your place, so she doesn't wake. Convince her that you both slept well, when she slept in another room, but beware, she doesn't feel unloved if you plump for separate beds.

l used to work shifts (police) and l'm a very light sleeper. Separate beds is the way to go.

Does she wear an eye mask?

Could you not just go to sleep on the sofa? Currently no win situation.

My OH work nights but he finishes earlier than I do and consequently gets up earlier. He sleeps in the spare room and is quiet when he gets up. And vice versa if I have a day off. I am thoughtful (I like to think) and am quiet until he gets up. At the weekends we both sleep in 'our bed' and it all works fine. A little consideration from both parties goes a long way. I wouldn't dream of doing the vacuuming when he's in bed ... or drying my hair. That's plain thoughtless.

Neither of you is being unreasonable. You deserve your down time and your dw deserves her sleep.

What's wrong with the separate beds idea which everyone keeps suggesting? You said you did that recently and both of you had a fantastic night's sleep, so why not make it a regular thing whenever one of you would otherwise disturb the other?

My DH is really light sleeper, and he snores! If we sleep in the same bed, chances are one of us has a crap night's sleep. He gets annoyed with me as I faff about at bedtime, I read for a long time, maybe get up for a wee, that wakes him up. I get annoyed with him as I have to lie there like a corpse incase I wake him up, meanwhile he is snoring so loud I can't sleep. It was when our DS2 came along, who didn't sleep until he was 3, that we ended up sleeping in separate rooms most of the time as we'd take it in turns to be on baby duty. It was a revelation! Once DS2 started sleeping better, we just kind of stayed in the habit of separate beds. We still go to bed together, have a chat/cuddle/sex but then one of us gets up and goes to the spare bedroom. We both sleep well, we're both much happier! Neither of you are being unreasonable in expecting to go to bed when you want/sleep when you want, but you need to find a way to achieve it.

My dh is a police officer. He slides into the bedroom like a bloody ninja when he comes home after I’m in bed, but it still wakes me up sometimes. (I have the dogs with me who leap off to see him when he comes home) He can’t come straight to bed, he needs some down time. I wouldn’t go to bed at 6pm when I get in, that would be weird! It’s no different.

I do not expect him to sleep elsewhere, nor do I expect him to come to bed just because I want to or vice versa. When I’m off, I go to bed later, demanding he also go to bed later would be controlling. If I can’t sleep, I’ll go into the spare room. Simple. Sleeping separately does not mean you’re about to break up, but it allows for decent sleep for both people.

I feel bad because I am the same with my DP - I love him being next to me when I sleep, it's like a comfort thing.

He wants to watch TV while I sleep but I can't sleep if there's any lights on - so we are in a predicament, we can't compromise.

Separate beds for the nights when needed, obviously.
Also she sounds very inconsiderate hoovering/hairdrying when you're sleeping after a shift!!

Completely get where you're coming from OP, I'm a Police Officer, DH is a teacher. I very rarely can get to sleep before midnight but DH goes to bed at 21.30 as he's up at 6. Any light or noise in the bedroom disturbs him. We are often like ships in the night. I usually end up falling asleep on the sofa or I go to the spare room. It works for us. We are still very affectionate and when he's not up early the next day (weekends / school holidays) I'll go into our room as it's no big deal then if he's disturbed... although even on these nights I sometimes go to the spare room when I need to get a decent sleep!
We still have lots of cuddles and are affectionate. I'll often go upstairs for a cuddle when he goes to bed but I'll go back downstairs when he goes to sleep.
You just need to find what works for both of you and ensure that sleeping separately doesn't mean losing intimacy.