wife is complaining i stay up late

[Leyden82]

Hi there

Let me explain this.

My wife and I have been married for a year in Nov.

My wife and I don't work 9-5 mon to fri jobs. My wife is a care assistant at a care home she works 14 hrs and doesn't get home until 2200 she goes straight to bed if shes working the next day as she will get up at 0530.

I am a police officer so I work varying shifts earlies, back and nights.

the problem comes when my wife is working the next day and im on my well deserved days off. she continually complains and expects me to come to bed early because if I stay up late and come to bed later it will wake her up.

I understand its not ideal but I don't think its fair of her to get on at me because im not coming to bed on my days off at 2200. if shes off and im on early shift I don't expect her to come to bed when I am because I know she is off. all that would happen is id be lying there in the dark awake because im not tired and off the next day.

when im off as we all do I like to chill watch a film with a wee drink. but im expected to go to bed instead of enjoying my rest days.

I finished work at midnight lastnight and I wasn't tired so I sat up and had a couple of drinks to chill out. my wife slept in another room so I didn't disturb her when I came to bed.

both of us had a fantastic nights sleep.

My wife is a sprawler and I continually wake up in the night teetering on the edge of the bed about to fall off because she is starfished over the bed. I have to wake her to tell her to move over. is it better to have separate beds/ rooms.

Am I being unreasonable or is she? what can I do to resolve this?

YABU to stay up when you know it wakes your wife who sounds like she works incredibly hard.

Separate beds are the way if you aren’t willing to behave in a way which considers her wellbeing when it comes to sleep. I can’t imagine wanting to sleep in a separate bed to my husband just so I could watch a film but you have to decide what’s more important to you. I would get into bed but eh read with a nightlight or watch something on my iPad with earphones if it were me.

Your wife needs to chill out, women want equality and when it’s her days off she does what she likes. That is not fair, just explain to her that you are not 5years old. You work and earn money just as much as she does so you deserve to chill. You didn’t get married to feel like you’re in jail. I am a woman by the way and totally with you. If my husband tried to tell me when to go to bed I would def agree to sleep next door as to not disturb him.

Why are you just moaning about what inequality of it without trying to come to a sensible solution? I.e. separate beds on the nights you want to stay up and she doesn’t?

I'm a nurse so totally get the need to de-stress after a shift. My OH used to have to get up at 5.30am but he had no issue with me staying up later if I was off the next again day as he is a deep sleeper. The issue is that your wife is a light sleeper and regardless of how quiet you are coming to bed you will still wake her up.

I can see it from both sides though because I'm also a light sleeper and wake if my OH gets up during the night.

As previous posters have said, separate beds will fix the issue so you guys both get the rest you need.

Good luck

You are not being unreasonable at all. Surely she knew marrying a police officer that your shift patterns would mean going to bed at different times. Get her some ear plugs.
My husband is in the police too and if he's going on nights he likes to stay up late the night before so it's not a complete change from day to night-mode. Likewise, if he has just finished nights and slept a bit during the day he's not going to want to go to bed at 10pm. He also likes a drink on his days off. Sounds very similar to your set up.

He has mentioned before that his ex had an issue with it. I think sometimes people who don't work shiftwork don't really get what it's like.

Your wife needs to chill out, women want equality

Ah yes, that homogenous mass that is ‘women’.

Zeldetta it is not all about her though. Of course he is thinking about his wife and cares for her that’s why he’s trying to find a solution and get a third opinion so they can solve the issue. He works hard too and deserves to chill if he’s not at work the next day. It’s not like he’s blasting music at 1am when she’s trying to sleep he’s just watching a movie having a drink to relax after a hard days work. Life is already difficult.

@Ginkypig. its not a regular basis. we are tike ships passing in the night.

if shes working when im on earlies im up before her
on back shift I finish at midnight during the week and 2 in the morning on the weekend. depending on what ive had to deal with at work I come home and need a bit of time to chill and process what ive seen or done. as soon as I open the door to the house she wakes up. I cant stay outside all night until she gets up to appease her.

on the other hand when ive came off nights at 0700 in the morning if shes off she does the hoovering blowdries her hair etc waking me up. do I complain? no as I understand she has to enjoy her days off and not be curtailed because im in bed.

if I told her not to dry her hair or go to bed when im going im sure shed have something to say about it

All you want to do is moan about your wife, without actually wanting a solution to the problem.

Definitely separate beds. Personally, I would get the rage if anyone woke me up once I was in bed. However, I'd also be highly pissed off about being forced into bed to lay awake when not tired at the demand of someone else.

I don't think either of you should have to compromise on this - proper rest and decompressing is important - you both have busy and stressful jobs.

YABU to stay up when you know it wakes your wife who sounds like she works incredibly hard.

@Zeldetta what about OP? As a police officer does he not also work hard so should he deserve to enjoy his rest days?

OP, seperate beds for when you are off and she is working. YANBU but sadly this seems the only way.

Of course it’s not all about her but It’s about weighing up whether I would prioritise not waking up someone I loved who was on an early shift for 14 hours over watching a film.

The fact I now know she uses her hairdryer when OP has come off nights is worse. Dry your hair in another room FFS.

Good sleep is really important to well being and it sounds like she’s very inconsiderate too.

Very similar situation to DH and I. He works a 3 shift system (days, nights and afternoons) I'm a student nurse and HCSW and do 4 or 5 twelve hour shifts a week.
Solution? I wear ear plugs to bed and he wakes me up (at 5) when my alarm goes off.

I think unless you've worked these kind of hours and in a particular kind of job then you won't really understand the need to decompress before going to bed. I used to work until 1 or 2am and there's no way I could have come home and climbed quietly into bed to go to sleep. I needed to do something to wind down, and sometimes that would be to watch some TV or a film before going to bed with a cup of tea and some toast.

greytexpectations

Going to bed at a reasonable hour doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy his rest day surely.

Anyway looks like I’m in the minority on this one!

@Leyden82

Separate bedroom obviously.

Why don't you just go to bed in the spare room if you stay up so you don't disturb her?

But yes, separate beds solves this issue. I was lucky in that my DP is a v heavy sleeper so didn't notice or care what time I came to bed - but unfortunately the opposite is not true and now that I'm early to bed, early to rise thanks to DD and DP is the night owl, we have had to shift sleeping arrangements a bit to accommodate my lighter sleeping and need for more hours!

I mean separate BEDROOMS!

@Soydora

I think you have the wrong end of the stick.

I am looking for a solution. I have to do this by informing you of the situation and why I feel it is unfair.i f you think this is me just moaniong about my wife you are mistaken

thank you for you blunt unhelpful advice

She needs ear plugs.

And just sleep in the spare room when this situation arises. It's so easily remedied by just sleeping seperately. I'm honestly baffled that you even need to ask advice about this.

Sounds like she’s fed up of your way of enjoying your day off being drinking and stumbling up to bed and waking her up. I can’t blame her.

She is working 56 hours a week at an exhausting job. The poor woman needs every second of sleep she can get. On nights you want to be up late, just sleep in another room.

Go to bed with her for a snuggle/bit of romance and then get up and go back down, then sleep in the spare room. My mum is a lark and my dad is an owl. She’s up at 6am and he doesn’t go to bed until 2am. He’s always gone up to bed with her at 9pm, stays there for an hour or so, and then comes down to watch whatever he wants on his own. Then he goes to sleep in his own room. He’s also a snorer and she’s a light sleeper so this is the perfect solution for them. They’ve been together for 50 years and they still do it every evening and they have a very happy marriage. It might be worth having a chat to see if this is a solution - at least on the days when one of you is working.

I cant believe earplugs have been recommended on a thread where the woman is dead...