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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

289 replies

Myheadisamess31 · 24/10/2019 12:33

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 27/10/2019 14:12

@ChangeAndThenChange ❤❤

OP posts:
Merename · 31/10/2019 14:09

How are you @Myheadisamess31?

Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 01/11/2019 09:22

@Merename i am doing quite a bit better. thank you so much for asking.

I don't feel so on edge panicky and sick all the while which is good. I am sleeping a bit better too. Still struggling to get my head around it all and it's hard to accept it really happened x

OP posts:
MrGsFancyNewVagina · 01/11/2019 09:38

I’m so glad you’ve popped back to let us know how you are Myheadisamess31. I know we’re only faceless posters but many of are genuinely concerned for you. Take care. Flowers

IDontLikeZombies · 02/11/2019 18:06

OP, I'm so glad you came back. I've been thinking of you and I'm glad to hear things are a little better. We're still here if you need us x

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/11/2019 19:28

I don't feel so on edge panicky and sick all the while which is good.

That might come and go a bit. Be really kind to yourself and seek help if it start to feel too much.

Flowers
Merename · 02/11/2019 21:33

I’m glad to hear that. I’m so glad of places like these that women can get support like this, in the past there would’ve been little opportunity to anonymously express how you feel in this way. Wish you didn’t have to accept that it happened, it’s horrible that it did.

Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 03/11/2019 07:04

Can't thank you all enough for your support and kind words ❤

OP posts:
Dumptyhumpty101 · 03/11/2019 11:12

@Myheadisamess31 I’ve just come across this thread and have nothing to add to what everyone has already said to you.

Im so sorry this happened to you. I truly hope you’ve found the courage to tell your friend and that she has remained a friend to you.

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 03/11/2019 11:20

Hi op. I'm pleased you came back - like a pp, if this site gives you support, that's a great thing. A safe place to be anonymous, protected, to express your fears and know we won't judge you. Just vent, whatever you need.

Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 03/11/2019 18:57

I was due to meet friend tonight which she has been looking forward to all week. She cancelled at last minute literally 5 mins before meet up time. Apparently she got a sudden migraine although in the 26 years I've known her she's never suffered from one before. Can only put it down to him and him pressuring her not to meet me.

Very disappointing because it's took all my strength to arrange this to talk to her knowing the outcome will hurt her I've been a wreck all day.

Either way whether she finds out or she doesn't I've lost my friend. I'll lose her if i tell her and I'll lose her if i don't because he'll never let her see me.

I have been to local police station regarding Claire's law but as of yet haven't reported incident as i needed to get my head in the right place first. I'm scared about it being my word against his and basically being told well he didn't actually rape me so no case

OP posts:
VerbenaGirl · 03/11/2019 19:03

Report this to the Police, to keep your friend, yourself and other women safe. I’m so sorry to hear that you have had to go through this.

PepePig · 03/11/2019 19:28

I think you're getting on board with reporting it and that's really good news to hear. I totally understand your reasons for not wanting to hurt your friend further, but he's clearly a danger to her. She will be incredibly vulnerable right now, and the last thing she needs is someone like that getting in her head. Has he been with her long? The cynical part of me is wondering if this is a new relationship (if her dad has a terminal illness and this guy is fairly new to the scene, it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume he's in it for the wrong reasons. He clearly isn't a nice person).

I haven't RTFT, but I assume you haven't told her yet? I think you need to as soon as possible. The longer you leave it, the longer he has to get inside her head and to turn her against you. None of us can blame her if she does take his side, but only because she's incredibly vulnerable and he'll have been manipulating and working on her since the day after it happened. However, she will eventually see the truth. So if she doesn't believe you- your friendship isn't over. It'll just take time for her to believe and accept what he is. I'd also say that your husband talking to her would probably be a good idea. If he can confirm the screams and what he did to him, there's much more chance she'll believe you.

Stay strong. Being attacked is horrendous, and it will take you some time to get over it. Don't be afraid to seek help from a GP if you find anxiety/depression creeping in. It does get better. You will get to a point where you'll go months without even thinking about it. It will be okay. You have an amazing husband who will support you. Stay strong and hang in there, you're doing the right thing. x

ksalamon · 03/11/2019 19:48

if he's done this to you chances are he's doing the same to her. you have to report this.

Ginger1982 · 03/11/2019 19:55

You NEED to report this ASAP. The longer you leave it, the worse it will be and perhaps will make your friend less likely to believe you Thanks

TheSilveryPussycat · 03/11/2019 22:58

Have bruises faded, if not could you get GP to witness them?

Sending strength.

TheSilveryPussycat · 03/11/2019 23:01

I also have the idea from somewhere that bites marks can be matched to a perpetrator's dentistry.

IrrationalIrational · 03/11/2019 23:03

@Thesilverypussycat they can be matched. Your 100% correct

Dieu · 03/11/2019 23:06

You poor thing Thanks

Sorry OP, but you have to tell her. Imagine if in the future he does this to someone else, and it all comes out anyway. Better to do it now.
Good luck.

Motoko · 04/11/2019 00:35

It wouldn't be your word against his. You've got witnesses.

Binglebong · 04/11/2019 08:07

Do you both work? I'm wondering if you found arrange a last minute meet up well away from him, so he won't give a chance to stop her. Meet her at her work when she leaves?

Merename · 04/11/2019 14:37

Hi @Myheadisamess31, oh how upsetting, when you’ve geared yourself up like that, for it not to happen. I understand your thinking, but it’s not inevitable that you’ve lost your friend. I suspect you are right that she cancelled due to pressure from him, but given what he did to you, the chances are that he has showed his true colours to her in some way, if not violent assault like you experienced. She may even be relieved to have the opportunity to speak about it. It may be hard to imagine this is what’s happening, but the way violent and coercive men build power like this is subtle, and even if she’s always talking about how great he is, doesn’t mean she hasn’t experienced abuse and doesn’t know what he’s really like. Coercion leads people to feel abuse is their fault, they feel ashamed and desperate to hide it.

I’m just speculating but research with violent men suggests it is likely she’s experienced abuse from him.

Well done for visiting the police station, that can’t have been easy. What would you need to help you feel safe about reporting? I know nothing will make you feel 100% safe. But pp is right, you have a witness in your husband, you have photographic evidence, possibly DNA still in your house, and your friend saw her partners injuries. That’s more than just your word. And police nowadays are very much on board withthere being a spectrum of assault. This was attempted rape, sadly, and they will want to do all they can to pursue someone who would do this.

ThanosSavedMe · 04/11/2019 19:41

How are you today?

Pringlesfortea · 04/11/2019 19:43

You have to tell her
She is not safe with him
You have to report to police

Lentilbug · 05/11/2019 06:48

Hope you're okay OP