Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

[Myheadisamess31]

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

tell her over the phone*

I disagree with telling her over the phone. I would tell her in person with your husband's support. Hold her & cry together. You have both been wronged by one cretin, don’t let it tear you apart. Be there for each other.

Does she still have any professional mental health still?

Is it worth requesting information about him under Clare's law?

@DoesItGetAnyBetter you're assuming she's going to believe OP

@AmIThough you’re also assuming she won’t believe the OP.

Until the situation is tackled we won’t know which way the friendship will blow.

However the OP has had the strength to ask everyone here & the support of a loving husband. This is a long-standing friendship v a new-ish online boyfriend. Who would I believe? There is no doubt.

What an awful thing to happen I'm with everyone else protect your friend and other women that may come into contact with him

You need to tell her. From what you say she is quite vulnerable. How long before he starts abusing her?

But at this time, you need to focus on yourself and distance yourself from your friend a bit, you cannot keep a friend happy to protect a sexual predator. So if the friendship has to go for your own sanity, let it go, you are the victim here, ok? And you cannot be a victim and a saviour without royalty screwing yourself.

Royally, not royalty

Report to the police as a a serious sexual assault/attempted rape. Letting your friend continue a relationship with a violent man who is probably a rapist would be far worse than telling her what happened.

If you were her, and your partner had done this to her would you want to know? Would you be happy for her to keep this secret for fear of upsetting you, knowing how traumatised she was?

You have to report this, I dread to imagine what would have happened if your hubby hadn't woken. Your friend will be devastated but I guarantee if you're this close she will be devastated at what you've gone through and felt the need to keep silent more than anything. It will be hard for both of you but this cannot remain a secret OP. Sending huge hugs you must have had a terrible fright you poor thing ❤️

Not to mention this bastard deserves to be pulled up for assault.

@DoesItGetAnyBetter I'm not. I suggested OP prepared for the fact her friend MIGHT believe her husband's excuses and to tread carefully as her friend has a history of violence. She might believe OP but surely it's better to be cautious

Do what the wise MNetterd say...report it to the police then you and your DH have a chat with your friend. You don't want this to happen to her ....or some other woman.
You poor thing. So glad your DH is supportive

Wow what an awful man - defaintly tell her as this could happen to any woman and best she finds out now rather than a couple of years down the line when she really loves him.

Your DH did the right thing.

Op, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, in this situation you are the most important person & you need to do what’s best for you. I hope your friend is supportive I really do, but for the slight chance she isn’t - you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I hate the term you are the victim so I’ll say you are the innocent party here. You’ve had so much support on here. If you need more continue posting we are all here for a hand hold/hug/supportive words. Other people have said he may be found innocent - he may however he will have your statement on his file so if he ever offends again it’ll be known it isn’t the first accusation. I hope to god he’s found guilty if you decide to report him. If he’s not your statement may be a stepping stone for the next innocent person. From the bottom of my heart good luck Op

Op, do what works for you. You can report to the police if you want and leave it at that, you can go the full court process or you can decide not to report.

The most important thing is to do what works for YOU, to help you go through this.

It.may be a little early for this right now, but it could come in handy down the line

www.victimfocus.org.uk/free-caring-for-yourself-after-sexual-violence

It's a free online course for self care after sexual violence written by the brilliant Dr Jessica Eaton.

These people are clearly highly toxic. I wouldn't want to see either ever again. He, in particular needs to be taken out of society, she needs some sort of massive life overhaul.

Op you’ve done nothing wrong, and you don’t need to make things right for anybody else.
The facts are you were attacked, the attacker is on the lose, and you are the person who can change that.

It wil take great courage, but you need to report him.

Please get help yourself too.

You can do this op

Op of you are going to go to the police - please don’t tell your friend first. You are going to really muddy the waters and give this bastard time to put forward his story.

I agree that, from what the OP has said, this couple sound toxic, I know this is going to sound very offensive and I'm sorry but I wonder if the friend somehow put her partner up to the attack?

I want to make one thing clear to you - you are NOT responsible. I don't mean the attack, where I hope you already realise it. But you are not responsible for anything this scumbag does in the future. You are not responsible if he attacks anyone. You are not responsible if he kicks off at your friend. You are not responsible if he stays with your friend. If your friend breaks up. And you're not resposible for her mental health.

Seriously, I can't stress this enough. Do what is right for you, report it to the police and tell your friend, or not. I suspect you are someone who puts others first most often time and right now you need to be the priority. You can access support without reporting, if that is what you want to do, and I think that is something you should do. Reporting can be hard but it may help you. Alternatively it may be something you can't face. Neither is right and neither is wrong. And don't think that reporting will automatically stop the scumbag from attacking again- if only life were that simple! He is a rapist, even if thank God he was unsuccessful this time. Going to court, even being convicted, will not change that. It is possible he would go to prison, but it is also possible he would not and if he did he would get out again. I don't mean to discourage you, just to make it clear that you cannot control his future actions. Again, I'm not saying don't report if you feel that is the best thing for you to do, just don't think you have to to if it would cause you more harm than good.

I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

What a horrifying experience. Please tell the police - immediately. This man is clearly very dangerous and your friend is in great danger. As are all women while he's out and about. He attacked you when your husband was in the house. Maybe he spiked your husband's drink and thought he wouldn't be disturbed, as someone has suggested. But the fact is he felt confident enough to attempt to rape you in your own home - someone whom you knew well and could easily identify to the police - when your husband was nearby, and then go home and brazen it out with your friend. He was very violent with you. Sounds to me like probably, deep down, he hates women. As others have said - how might it have ended if your husband hadn't arrived? How might it end for your friend if he does this to her when she's on her own with him at home? You have done nothing wrong and in your shoes, I would also seek professional help to deal with the trauma. But please contact the police right away - every moment of delay leaves your friend in danger. She might not thank you - she won't want to believe you - but it's her partner who has caused the problem and who clearly has criminally violent tendencies. In addition to speaking to the police, you might want to contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence: www.ncdv.org.uk/ / tel.: 0800 970 2070 to see if they have any suggestions for a situation such as this one. If he will do this to you after a night out drinking with your husband, chances are he is already behaving abusively to your friend. Through my job (I'm a disputes lawyer but commercial, not criminal law), I am involved in a voluntary scheme for helping NCDV clients apply for non-molestation orders. I've been involved with about 15 applications; some of them have involved the kind of physical violence that you describe but in fact mostly not - mostly the violence is emotional/psychological rather than physical. Which is why I think this man poses an incredible (potentially murderous) threat to your friend and - if at all possible - needs to be got away from her as soon as possible. The police should be alive to this need - the NCDV clients whom I help tend to report very good experiences with the police.

Please go to the police if you haven't already. They might be able to match the teeth mark bruising up to his teeth. Otherwise you will have very little evidence and they will need a lot of evidence to be able to arrest and prosecute him.
I understand your predicament with your friend but imagine he attacks her and she finds out you knew who he was all along. He will strike again it's just a matter of time.

I am so, so sorry that happened to you.

I was with an abusive man. After we broke up, I decided to just move on with my life and try to forget it. A year later I reported him for domestic violence, because I realised that I wouldn't be the last woman he did it to (and I wasn't even the first by a long way). I'm sad to say he got lucky and got away with it, but next time he does something (he will) and the woman is brave enough to report it, having 2 reports against him will stand for something more than just mine.
Do what is best for you. I waited a year to officially report him, and I don't regret it because reporting him at the time would probably have destroyed me (I was in a v bad state with undiagnosed chronic illness). However, your friend is in danger. Even if you don't report him to the police, for the love of god tell your friend

He is a dangerous predator. Please go to the police. He may have done this before and do it agin in the future to another female/girl / teen.