Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

[Myheadisamess31]

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

Bad couple of days. My DH told my stepdad on Sunday about what happened. My stepdad and i are close he's been my father figure since i was 4. He doesn't handle situations well though.

He is obviously angry but he keeps saying this is the calm before the storm he's going to smash this guy to a pulp and God help him when he bumps into him and it's just filled me with dread and given me really bad anxiety.

I wish no one knew about it and i could just pretend it never happened. I know that sounds stupid but that's truly how i feel 😞 i obviously never want to see him again but i wish my family never knew. If my brother's and step brothers find out i know things are really going to kick off and i really really don't want that. I feel like packing a bag and running away for a bit

Last Christmas friends family and my family booked the same local restaurant for Christmas lunch it's where we've gone every year for about 10 years and i think friends family are planning to go again this year all being well with her dad and the thought is making me feel physically sick!! I love Christmas but i am just dreading everything at the moment.

It's the only local restaurant that has good disabled facilities and we have a member of the family in a wheelchair so not much option of going anywhere else. Also if i don't go my family will know the reason why and i think it will escalate the situation.

This is just one big massive emotional rollercoaster. One minute i feel positive and strong the next i feel very very down anxious and scared. It's horrible.

OP your friend's partner might interfere with this year's xmas plans if her cancelling on you suddenly is any indication. He will not want her having lunch with a whole lot of your family because he can't count on you not telling them. I wouldn't be too worried about Christmas for that reason. If might lead to your friend questioning her partner about why he doesn't want her to have Christmas lunch.

I wouldn’t tell the police your DH beat the guy up. After all he didn’t, did he? He just manhandled him out of the house, using the appropriate amount of force to get a violent predator away from his home.

The guy fell over, didn’t he? That’s what he told your friend. So that’s obviously what happened.

Also I’d be careful where your friend is concerned. If she decides not to believe you she might shoot the messenger and given she’s got form for violence herself I’d be tempted to let her find out either via him or the police.

Have you reported him yet?

Honestly you need to tell your family members that them threatening violence is just making you feel very stressed and upset. If it’s difficult in person maybe email your stepdad since you are close to him. I think people think it’s helpful sometimes to tell the one who’s been hurt that they want revenge. Obviously it isn’t in this case but if you or DH can tell them this it might go in.

I am hesitant about replying to this, on the grounds I know zilch about relationships. However surely your starting point should be that you are not going anywhere that this creature is going to be. Just don’t even consider putting yourself in that position. You wouldn’t be able to keep it together on the day anyway, so it would be far worse for your relatives on Christmas Day. Just say you won’t be joining them this year, and if questioned explain why.

People will understand, and if it escalates so be it. This does need to be out in the open. This isn’t some dirty little secret.

I'm so sorry:

First off, the same happened to me.
My friend didn't believe me and we lost contact, a few months later a friend of a friend called me out of the blue to say that she had mentioned my lie to her sister who then told her that her DP had sexually assaulted her too but she had been too scared to say anything. I had been vindicated, but it was painful.

It was more painful for my friend who had trusted her dirtbag partner and who was made to feel like an idiot.

You won't be the first woman he has done this too, you certainly won't be the last. For god sake say something.

I apologise. Cross post.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

OP I really hope you’re okay. Just wanted to say, that I have been with my DP for years and I trust him 100% and don’t think he’d hurt a fly. However if a friend came to me with the story that you’ve just said I wouldn’t automatically believe him or take his side. I would meet my friend without him knowing, I’d want proof and possibly to talk to friends partner. But if they seemed genuine and had no strange reasons to make it up. I would help my friend. I would apologise for putting her in that position by wrongly trusting that man. I think you can usually tell if someone is genuine, and hopefully that will mean that your friend will surprise you and support you.

However yes you may end up no longer friends and she may take his side. But this man needs reporting. What he did is terrifying especially as your husband was in the house. I dread to think how this might have ended If your husband was out or you were single. Please report this to the police OP. I doubt you’re his first victim and you certainly won’t be the last.

Sending love, support & hugs to you.

It’s always the same, guys like that know no one is going to say anything. That’s how they get away with it. Best thing to do is tell the police. This situation isn’t of your making but it is criminal - and that’s why the police are there, to stop people doing criminal things. What he did was sexual assault and you were his victim, but he doesn’t get to choose your reaction. He knew the risk and did it anyway, your responsibility is to tell the police so he doesn’t do it again. As someone else put on here - what happens when your friend has children with him? Your feelings about your friend are important, but they’re not as important as our collective responsibility to report men like that to keep other people safe.

The guy fell over, didn’t he? That’s what he told your friend. So that’s obviously what happened.

I don't think lying will do the OP any favours if it comes out. If she were to report it and not tell them about her DH, they might use it to discredit her further. Just not worth lying.

How are things OP?

@FreeBedForFlys really up and down 😩 this week has been a bad week.

Have you gone to the police at all OP?

Thinking of you.

@Binglebong thank you ❤

@coconutpie no 😞

OP. You are in an awful situation not of your making.

If you are worried about your family kicking off it would be better to involve police sooner rather than later.

You will have to talk to her sooner or later sadly 😔 don't put it off to long.. if you know her where she could might be like taking kids to school or finishing at work, meet her without letting her know ahead and then there won't be an excuse why she cannot meet you.. I'm afraid he would be violent to her after the incident as he will try to do anything to cover it up, even lie and making up some stories.. please be the first who say something otherwise he can tell her something else in the end and make himself a victim.. you have the pictures.. you know her for long. If she is really your friend she will believe you and finally you will have a little more peace knowing what person she is living with.
Also I'm terribly sorry for what he has done to you.. there is not much I can say how to help you but don't feel ashamed.. he should have! He should be the one who is ashamed and facing consequences for his actions against you which was horrific and terrible.. I just hope for your soon recovery physically and mentally 💐

Op, as a survivor and childhood sexual abuse, and as an adult survivor of rape, I can tell you that I did not even begin to heal until I reported the childhood rapes and the adult rape to the police. I was 30 when I did and even though there was no prosecution both are on file. I found the process actually validated what I had been through and drew a firm line on the ground. It took me a while after reporting to get over that line but my life has improved on an upward trajectory ever since I started counselling. You would be interviewed by specially trained staff and they will believe you. You have actual witnesses and photo proof of what happened. If the bite mark is obvious enough they could even match it to his bite. You have what so many victims don't have. Proof and witnesses.

Is it going to be hard? Yes.

But you have support and you need to literally acknowledge what happened in order to heal. I know I regretted not reporting my abuse but I have never ever regretted telling the truth.

How are you doing @Myheadisamess31?

Update

Last night friend & another friend came to my house for food. My friend had some really bad news last week regarding her dad.

We had a great night and lots of laughs and she said how much she'd needed it and how she'd missed us getting together. I never let on or mentioned anything.

On her way home she called me and asked about that night and i told her everything she got upset but was extremely calm and she apologised for his actions.

I asked her how she knew, she said his story had changed so much about that night and she didn't believe he fell over and also i was distant from her. I asked if he's ever hurt her she swore he hasn't. I don't fully believe that though as she wasn't at all shocked by what what i was telling her. If someone told me my DH had done that and he had zero previous i would be gobsmacked.

She said she needs to figure out what to do but no matter what happens our friendship will always be solid. She again apologised for bringing him into our lives. I feel relived and like i no longer need to avoid her but i also feel devastated for her.

Op , it’s good that you’re considering your friend but really I think it’s time that you put yourself and your own feelings first now.
What about you?
What about how you feel?
Your friend should be worried about you- it happened to you.

It’s not your fault.
You didn’t do anything wrong.

💐 you did the right thing and hopefully he will now be out of your lives.

Do you think she would accompany you if/when you feel strong enough to go to the police? Him changing his story repeatedly is evidence if she’s able to speak up and support can be given to both of you to get him out of your lives. The police can also go through his behaviour with her so even if there hasn’t been any massive red flags to her there may lower level stuff that until someone asks her and breaks it down she’s not been able to see it or admit it. It would all build a valuable picture of him.

I hope you can both find a way to support each other going forward and I wish you in particular the very best in future.

I would think carefully about what might happen to your dh. He would most likely twist it that the rape story was made up to justify your dh's violence, and that your violent dh must bitten you