Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

[Myheadisamess31]

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

OP I am so very sorry to read about such a horrific assault on you

I think it highly ikely that this man has offended before

He seems to be an opportunist sexual offender with violent tendencies and the breast biting would set off all kinds of alarm bells for forensic psychiatrists and psychologists

Biting is something that indicates sexual sadism of a fairly extreme kind and I think it likely that this offender has offended before and that the police have a DNA profile for him in relation to other offenses

The fact that he attacked you, someone he knows, when your partner was nearby, indicates a degree of risk taking that is alarming

It is common for offenders of this type to be charming and to appear perfectly pleasant to people in their social circle

It is also common for them to be in relationships with vulnerable partners who have mental health problems

I appreciate that you may feel guilt and responsibility regarding this appalling assault, but it is not your fault at all.

Please, please report this man to the police. It will distress your friend in the short term but you will be helping her and other women in the long term.

I’m really sorry to hear that, @ChangeandThenChange, I don’t mean to be critical. Sounds like you’re speaking out of a place of wishing you’d gone to police sooner - but your reaction was so normal and nothing to feel bad about (although those feelings are normal and understandable too)

Also have some flowers

sorry should have sent in my post

your friend is extremely fortunate to have such friends as you and your DH

So sorry you went through & are still going through this. I'm sure you'll come up with some sort of way to manage this going forwards with your DP. Hope the break away will give you some clarity and you're able to get back to some semblance of a new normal for yourself. Make sure to get yourself some counseling & support, I'm sure there must be groups out there. Whatever happens do not feel guilty & remember that you've done nothing wrong. Stay strong!!!!

The way that he pretended to be asleep after he attacked you is so weird and snake like, he must have been in a state of high arousal when he carried out the attack and then he just switched it off and played dead.
That's my reading of it but I'm just a lay person, I agree with what the previous poster said regarding alarm bells for forensic psychologists etc... his modus operandi here would seem to be extremely significant

I’m so sorry this happened to you. He will hurt your friend like this at some point and if you have reported it then it will strengthen her statement or make her more likely to come forwards (although it’s not your job to protect future people he chooses to help, only report if you feel able).

I think your friend needs to know. This man is dangerous and she is also at risk of being attacked by him.

Please try to let her know, or get your husband to as quickly as you can.

If she is intending to speak to him about it, she shouldn’t do it whilst she’s alone with him.

He has deliberately chosen a vulnerable partner with mental health issues, someone very easy to control and manipulate easy to lock down.
Trying to 'take' another man's wife like that in his own home shows extreme arrogance and risk taking, as well as trying to dominate you he was trying to dominate and score points over your husband, he treated you like an object that he was trying to steal from someone else and when he got caught he smugly just pretended nothing had happened.

I would suggest that the reason he manipulated his partner into displaying his battered face was to send a message that 'if you try and get me for this I'll get you for assault'?

@Merename no offensive taken at all. No worries & thank you

OP

I would strongly suggest that you contact the police prior to talking to your friend for all kinds of reasons, not least of all because she may be in danger if you tell her or if he thinks you might tell her.

From your OP it seems that he is manipulative, lacking in empathy, impulsive and prone to risk taking.

He used violence beyond that needed to control you for the purposes of committing the assault. Biting a victim's breast is usually considered to be indicative of sadistic impulses when part of a sexual assault.

I suspect that this man is extremely dangerous.

I am so sorry that you suffered such an outrageous violation.

As someone who has suffered a sadistic sexual assault I understand that your feelings must be all over the place and that you are probably left feeling very bad about yourself. I wish I could take this feeling away from you.

Please, please report this monster to the police.

Echoing others that I feel you need to report this.

Your friendship will be tested but this isn’t your fault. If you don’t tell her she’s in danger and if you do she’s going to be distressed; it’s not much of a choice but the second could save her from much more heartache and potential physical harm. It’s awful but those are the choices. How would you feel if he hurt her and you hadn’t said anything?

She may lash out and direct her hurt towards you, you need to accept that this is a possible consequence, I’m very sorry.

If you want to you can make it clear to her that you want to maintain your friendship and leave the door wide open for whenever she feels she can do that but it means her accepting this man is the catalyst and it’s 100% his fault.

Your DP sounds great - let him take care of you and try and process what’s happened.

I would not go to the police because it will be horrible for you and the chances are he will get off. You will most likely go through hell for nothing. I would tell my friend though. She deserves to know the truth about him.

I would not go to the police because it will be horrible for you and the chances are he will get off. You will most likely go through hell for nothing. I would tell my friend though. She deserves to know the truth about him.

I am so sorry if you have experienced the distress of reporting to the police and the perpetrator gets off.

I have been in this situation before and it is deeply traumatic.

However the OP has an injury and a witness

She actually has a much stronger case than many rape and sexual assault survivors

There may also be DNA evidence as the assault took place at the survivor's home

The perpetrator has also lied about his facial injuries

I think that your post is well-meaning but misguided in this instance.

If you were my friend OP I would want to know and I would be there to support you. Of course she will be devastated but be there for each other and you will get through it.

Also your DH sounds amazing. Keep leaning on him and don’t bottle it up.

Lots of love & best wishes to you all at this really horrible time. X

Hood I have medical evidence, my blood coating his house, him admitting what happened but claiming I consented to whiplash, bruises, scratches and all the rest. Still the case was filed by the police not sent to the CPS because it wasn’t strong enough, until I fought it, and still am.

She can have all the evidence and witnesses in the world and the chances of success are still tiny.

That’s not to say OP shouldn’t do it, she absolutely should. But with eyes wide open and the preparedness to be in it for the long haul.

I would not go to the police because it will be horrible for you and the chances are he will get off. You will most likely go through hell for nothing. I would tell my friend though. She deserves to know the truth about him.

I agree

Given his psychopathic / manipulative tendencies I would be unsurprised if he is attempting to alienate the OP from her friend at this very moment.

Something along the lines of "she jumped on me when I was too drunk to resist" maybe with added "I didn't want to tell you but her DH discovered us and hit me till my face was all hurty"

He is likely to be very worried about the OP disclosing what happened and may be busy working on a DAVRO plan

Scary that he had the nerve to do that to you in your own house with your dh upstairs!

BrassTactical

That is appalling

I am so sorry

Good for you for still fighting, I appreciate that it costs a lot in terms of energy and emotional resources.

Sometimes it is a mystery why the police spend millions on evidently incredible allegations (like those of Carl Beech) and yet NFA other cases.

Sending you love and best wishes in your struggle

x x

You are not responsible for any of this, OP and neither are you responsible for anyone else's safety, including that of your friend.

That said, it is highly unlikely that this is his first assault. If you do report to the police, they may well find he is already on their radar with previous reports or even a caution or conviction. He may already be on the sex offenders register.

Be aware that a counter accusation may be made against your DP for the beating. In fact, it is revealing that he hasn't reported this and you haven't had the police on your doorstep already. If you report the assault, you need to tell the police what DP did to him afterwards, or you're only telling half the story. You don't want them hearing about it from the attacker.

No doubt the centre you have contacted will give you good advice.

So sorry you have experienced this. Reach out for help and reach in for strength and resilience.

OP please tell your friend even if you can't tell the police. She deserves to know what he's capable of.

I hope you're feeling ok.

I'm so sorry this happened to you , Myheadisamess31, it sounds auful, I think your friend needs really to know, even though it will upset her- because she needs to know the sort of person she is involved with.

Something occurred to me about reading this - I apologize- because it's another thing to worry about- but it occured to me to wonder if there was a possibility that he had put something in one of your partner's drinks.

The thing that made me think this- was how confident he seemed about attacking you in your own home, with your partner only upstairs. I think, especially if he carried on trying to attack you, after you'd started screaming- that maybe he thought your partner wouldn't wake up easily.

I actually googled drink spiking, when this had occurred to me, - some of the methods people use, seem to go out of people's systems quite quickly, so it might not show up in a blood test by now, but it could do. (sorry I haven't put any links, I'm struggling with my computer abit at the-moment).

As well as his confidence in attacking you, it was the fact your partner seemed to have gone sleepy quite quickly-after he had left the room only to go to the loo, then not come back . I wonder if your partner felt funny at all, or more drunk than he should have, or noticed anything that seemed a bit odd in the man's behavior, when drinks were being got, etc?

I wanted to say as well, about your poor friend and this man, that if she is ever splitting up with him, at anypoint, that abusive/ violent partners are well known to most dangerous, at the point when they think someone is leaving them- so the safest thing to do is leave without letting the potentially violent partner know, first,

I do hope everything for you and your partner and your friend are as ok as they can be, and I am sorry such a horrible thing happened to you,

So overwhelmed by everyone's kindness and advice it truly means a lot.

My friend is definitely going to be told and I've come to realise with your help that i am not protecting her by not telling her i will be protecting her by telling her.

When i say my friend has mental health issues and i say she is fragile she is but in now way is she timid. She got sectioned at a young age for trying to stab someone she then get sectioned again for hitting her ex partner in her car so my fear of telling her is i don't want to push her over the edge with what she already has going on. I don't know how she'll react to me to her partner to my husband. Her reaction without a doubt will be anger but i don't know who towards. My gut tells me it will be anger directed at him but the last thing i want is for her to do something stupid to him and end up in more trouble that him.

I feel like right now this could be enough to completely blow her top. She does not cope with things well at all. I have always been the person who can remain calm and talk her round in certain situations. Since finding out about her father she has become very volatile. I don't fear her partner could hurt her she is most likely the one to hurt him.

I know they have a very strange sex life because she's told me they enjoy sex in public places she's very adventurous and i feel that she thinks she needs to be that way to keep a partner but a lot of the time she's scared partners away. This particular one seemed so perfect for her though he came across as kind and had lot's of patience with her he was supportive he never judged her just tried to make her happy. He took us all to a lovely restaurant for her birthday, him and my DH became close i saw him as a good friend also this is why it hurts so much. I thought we'd all be friends forever. There has been marriage planning where i was asked to be made of honour and my DH best man. Can you believe it!! One thing i do find strange now is that since they have been together he moved in with her quite fast and he's rarely seen his family since and there's never really been any talk of other friends of his or of his past

@Myheadisamess31 if she has a history of violence tell her over the version. His version of events is very likely to be that you tried it on with him then when he rejected you you told your husband he'd assaulted you.

She might believe him over you and that's something you need to be prepared for.