I don't know if I can move on from this

[purpletod]

DP and I had a huge argument last night. No shouting, as we have a DD 18 months, but harsh talking.

We're both very tired, both work FT with a young toddler. It's tough. We haven't been very close lately and the cracks are starting to show.

We've been ratty with each other for a while now and last night it came to a head after a petty argument over DP leaving the kitchen an absolute state after cooking.

The argument escalated and I don't know how/why, but the discussion of separation came up and how we'd share custody of DD. I said, of course it'd be 50/50 and he said 'no chance, she'd be with me all the time... I'd make things incredibly uncomfortable for you, until the point where you'd crack and they'd see you for the anxious mess that you are. She'd be better off with me so that she doesn't turn out like you.'

I had a very rough childhood. My DM has severe mental health issues and I do, myself, suffer with anxiety. My anxiety extends to being a worry wort and admittedly some kind of inferiority complex. This doesn't effect my parenting in any way.

Then I start to cry (ffs ) and he says 'oh look, it's (DM name) you're just like her, aren't you?!'

The things that I'd confined in him about thrown in my face. Apparently I only ever get upset with him due to my 'own insecurity'.

He later apologises, cries (I've only seen him cry once in 6 years) and says he can't believe that he's been so horrible.

I don't know what to do now. Can I just forgive and forget? I'm still raw and I feel as though the trust is gone.

You have to do what you feel is right. I've had some fairly nasty things said to me in the past and not reacted, more fool me.

The crying is a bit of a red flag for me to be honest. He knows he went too far but now he has done it once bet he'll do it again...

Don't brush this under the carpet. Start to think about what you could do to make things easier for yourself in the event of a split.

I reckon that is a "Never will I forget that, i will have to think about whether I can forgive you"

Ghastly. It’s good he apologised but also good that you know what’s actually going on in the back of his mind. Plan for this. Have a running away fund and find a good family lawyer now. You might never need to use them but you will feel safer with a back up plan.

My DP of 12 years occasionally got like this when the kids were very young. He had never been verbally abusive in the 6 years prior and hasn’t been like it for a year now. They were awful personal attacks whereas I never said anything mean back to him, just defended myself against what he was saying about me. It was like an angry silverback gorilla coming towards me. I resented him a lot and it killed some of the love I had for him. Interestingly since his vasectomy a year ago there hasn’t been one since.

That’s not a normal argument that’s abusive behaviour. You need counselling for things like that.

You were both tired and ‘probably’ didn’t mean the things you said. However, I would be quietly VERY aware of what he said/how he said it and personally would not be forgetting this any time soon!

I don’t think it’s always about ‘action’ in a relationship. You don’t need to do anything as a jerk reaction to this but the dynamic can quietly change.

If I were you I would mentally distance yourself a little- evaluate your relationship/whether it’s really what you want and make sure to start saving (even just small amounts) into a private account DH can’t access- just incase he does turn on you again like this - you’ll have a way out!

Do you love him OP? I would find it very difficult to love someone who spoke to me with such contempt. What he said to you was truly awful, I don't think I could get past it tbh.
You sound so deflated (understandably) in your last post. Think on, life is short, you get one crack at it and you're allowed to be happy!
I hope you are OK. Sending you strength going forward. Good luck with everything lass.