I don't know if I can move on from this

[purpletod]

DP and I had a huge argument last night. No shouting, as we have a DD 18 months, but harsh talking.

We're both very tired, both work FT with a young toddler. It's tough. We haven't been very close lately and the cracks are starting to show.

We've been ratty with each other for a while now and last night it came to a head after a petty argument over DP leaving the kitchen an absolute state after cooking.

The argument escalated and I don't know how/why, but the discussion of separation came up and how we'd share custody of DD. I said, of course it'd be 50/50 and he said 'no chance, she'd be with me all the time... I'd make things incredibly uncomfortable for you, until the point where you'd crack and they'd see you for the anxious mess that you are. She'd be better off with me so that she doesn't turn out like you.'

I had a very rough childhood. My DM has severe mental health issues and I do, myself, suffer with anxiety. My anxiety extends to being a worry wort and admittedly some kind of inferiority complex. This doesn't effect my parenting in any way.

Then I start to cry (ffs ) and he says 'oh look, it's (DM name) you're just like her, aren't you?!'

The things that I'd confined in him about thrown in my face. Apparently I only ever get upset with him due to my 'own insecurity'.

He later apologises, cries (I've only seen him cry once in 6 years) and says he can't believe that he's been so horrible.

I don't know what to do now. Can I just forgive and forget? I'm still raw and I feel as though the trust is gone.

Apples
I can read thank you very much and you have misinterpreted my post.

idiots people with different opinions to me are telling her this is normal when people are upset or arguing

There you go - fixed.

You both work FT and are stressed and not close at the moment.

Go and speak to a relationship counselor.

There have been a lot of changes for you both and you need help on working on your relationship. Why would you (plural) jump to separation rather than counseling?

I don't think there are many ways to interpret this

If he said it with no provocation then I’d agree.

But while we don’t know exactly what happened, the conversation had escalated to a point where separation was mentioned.

There’s more to this than one nasty comment.

Jesus, OP. I haven't RTFT but his comments are just... appalling. Taunting you about your MH while you're visibly distressed? Telling you that he's going to "break" you and take your daughter away? We all say awful, stupid shit in the heat of the moment but that's another level.

Another thing to look out for is him believing you only ever get upset with him due to your own 'insecurity'. He's used your MH to absolve himself of any wrongdoing, ever.

It's up to you how you move forward from this. I'd suggest counselling at the very least. I am so sorry this has happened and I hope you can resolve things.

Yet OP also used her DPs fears and attacked him first!

What? How?

I’m beginning to understand why there are so many entitled male twats out there, their enablers appear to be on this thread.

I think it also sounds like he really hates your mother.

Hoooooboy that would be marching orders given to him from me were in that situation. That was really fucking low of him.

I don't know how/why, but the discussion of separation came up

Rhino how did you interpret this then?

He's a cunt.
So, now what?
Don't pity him. You had a hard childhood, you'll be used to looking for the good in people no matter how desperate the situation, as a survival technique. Stop that now. Do the undamaged-person thing, and look at it from an 'is this good for me' angle.
Counselling for you would help you see him for what he is, help you be more confident in rejecting his attitudes.
Counselling together would put you at a disadvantage (he'd manipulate the counsellor into giving him support, or he'd drop out).
Frequently, men say they'll 'take the children'. They don't want them. They want a single man's life. No children, or children palmed off onto grandparents. They want to hurt women by threatening to take children away.
He won't get your dd. If you do 50/50, you'll be more than fair. But before you go for that, think - would it really be good for dd? I have a near-forty-year-old who might not have suffered a lot of the depression she has if we'd been able to make a clean break from her father.

His crying, by the way - they do that. To manipulate you.
So - twin pronged approach. If it seems ok now, keep going. Meanwhile, rounding those ducks and getting them lined up in their row.

Alternatively, ltb. He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

I sound like a MN cliché machine. But it's all true.

If he said it with no provocation then I’d agree

But while we don’t know exactly what happened, the conversation had escalated to a point where separation was mentioned

There’s more to this than one nasty comment

No matter what came before, a decent person doesn't say things like that. Maybe OP said nasty things too, I don't know. But what her partner said was nasty regardless. Shows a certain character.

Trying to maintain your relationship and care for young children can be very difficult. In the heat of the moment things can be said that are later regretted.

A child should not be used as a weapon to keep a person in a relationship or to chip away at a parent's self esteem.

As a family lawyer I know that the Court will only Order what is in the child's best interests. Further, they are alert to a parent whose only motivation to spend more time with their child is to control and abuse their ex.

You are a long way off separating but if the situation at home gets too much speak to your GP and a family lawyer to ensure you get the correct advice, protection and support you need.

The most snottery weepy bloke I ever went out with was also an abusive bastard.
Manipulative tears plus he used to cry out of self pity and not getting his own way.

I have siblings with severe MH issues which my dsis discussed with BIL in confidence. He used to throw it back in her face during arguments as well and say he'd get 100% custody as she was 'mental like her family'. When they split briefly she realised he'd been taking photographs and recording things (and twisting the actual truth) the whole time to prepare for a custody battle. I think he has revealed his true self to you

Jesus Christ. He is abusive. It is common to say things we regret in arguments, but that is some really well-thought-out shit. He has the potential to turn truly nasty and vindictive if you were ever to separate. And he has completely invalidated your emotional responses with the ugly comparison to your mother.

I think you should keep a very, very close eye on this. It's good that you have documented it here. Do you have close friends/family you can talk to? I am worried that he might wear you down and make you think that you are inadequate and an 'anxious mess'.

I recommend the book, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft ... I would urge you to read it even if you're not thinking of doing anything dramatic (like ending the relationship).

@Longlongsummer
Nice blaming of the OP, she didn’t control access she said of course 50/50. How can you brush aside her partners vindictive evil comments? Women don’t need to be nice quiet little doormats, your attitude is an embarrassment.

This is likley to be the most stressful time for most all relationships but the talk that did go on was rather toxic.
See if you can either see someone from relate either with or without him then try to talk under less argumentive conditions I think by that time you'll be knowing if you want to call it a day or work through it.

The coments of the previous poster SamanthaJ are spot on as regards the courts decision!.

OP
Take a breath and think things through. These threads can develop a frightening momentum.

Is his behaviour really out of character or is it an escalation of something that has always been an undercurrent in your relationship?

If it’s always been there in some form then you know he won’t change no matter how much he cries and promises.

If it really truly was a one-off in a stupid row between tired and grumpy people then you can decide if you want to give him a final warning, require counselling or that you really can’t get past it.

Whilst you are thinking about that, make sure you know what your options are eg do you work, who is on the mortgage/tenancy, do you have joint accounts. I assume you are not married as you say DP so this puts you at risk if you are dependent on him financially or for a home. Don’t make any snap decisions without thinking your options through. Obviously, if you were not physically safe then you should act quickly.

@Longlongsummer not only are you completely patronising, you are also seemingly incapable of reading what actually occurred.

They had a row over the state of the kitchen. The OP did not explicitly state she threatened to leave him due to this.

The issues of separation came up. You had just assumed it was the OP that said “ I want to discuss separation”

Above all stop sugar coating one of the most psychologically abusive comments I have ever had the misfortune to read on here. Said by a man currently in a relationship with this woman the mother of his child.
If he’s like this now what will happen if she does leave him? Which she absolutely fucking should.

@Sotiredbutcannotsleep that is just horrendous. What happened?

But what her partner said was nasty regardless. Shows a certain character.

I don’t disagree, but if this is the first time it’s happened I wouldn’t necessarily advocate LTB. I think counselling is a better first step.

Yes I think you can get past it if you both want to.

@LaurieMarlow
Counselling with a man who whilst in a relationship has told her he would do his best to destroy her if she ever left him...

Really?

Your inability to let go if his words shows a tension and resentment. Where does it come from? - basically from him being a cunt.

OP, you have been warned, he's warned you himself. Start looking at your options. I was advised to get a little recording device from argos, or start using your phone. Do you have any other family or friends that can support you and help in RL?

We don’t know how dependent the OP is on her partner and if they are married. If he is the main earner or it’s his home she might be in a more vulnerable position than if things are joint / equal.