I don't know if I can move on from this

[purpletod]

DP and I had a huge argument last night. No shouting, as we have a DD 18 months, but harsh talking.

We're both very tired, both work FT with a young toddler. It's tough. We haven't been very close lately and the cracks are starting to show.

We've been ratty with each other for a while now and last night it came to a head after a petty argument over DP leaving the kitchen an absolute state after cooking.

The argument escalated and I don't know how/why, but the discussion of separation came up and how we'd share custody of DD. I said, of course it'd be 50/50 and he said 'no chance, she'd be with me all the time... I'd make things incredibly uncomfortable for you, until the point where you'd crack and they'd see you for the anxious mess that you are. She'd be better off with me so that she doesn't turn out like you.'

I had a very rough childhood. My DM has severe mental health issues and I do, myself, suffer with anxiety. My anxiety extends to being a worry wort and admittedly some kind of inferiority complex. This doesn't effect my parenting in any way.

Then I start to cry (ffs ) and he says 'oh look, it's (DM name) you're just like her, aren't you?!'

The things that I'd confined in him about thrown in my face. Apparently I only ever get upset with him due to my 'own insecurity'.

He later apologises, cries (I've only seen him cry once in 6 years) and says he can't believe that he's been so horrible.

I don't know what to do now. Can I just forgive and forget? I'm still raw and I feel as though the trust is gone.

You've crossed the rubicon by mentioning the Separation word.

Did she say she'd raised it first?

Anyway, no matter. People shout all kinds of stupid shit they mean or don't mean in arguments or moments of high stress and tension.

The fact that her partner responded with such a well-conceived strategy about what he'd do to make sure she wouldn't get equal custody, leads me to believe he has previously given this some thought.

How awful to use your fears and anxieties against you to scare you and make you feel like crap. He knew how to get to you and was being purposely vindictive. He needs to work on how he communicates to you and as a couple you need to work together to find a solution to help manage communication problems. Maybe even try marriage counselling
I'm really sorry you had to hear that nonsense. You must be a fantastic Mum and love your DD very much look after yourself and do something for you too xx

I just think most posters are reading this as if OP was not the one who attacked first.

She attacked and pretty hard first. She told him she’d leave him over clearing up dishes. She threatened him.

He retaliated to horrible threats from the OP and to me that is a huge, huge factor. In fact in a court if you were attacked then retaliated your reaction would be seen to be mediated by that fact.

I wouldn’t be able to move on from that.

He’s shown you that there is an evil streak in there and any further things you confide in him may be added to his list of leverage to use against you in a split.

Yet OP also used her DPs fears and attacked him first!
How awful to use your fears and anxieties against you to scare you and make you feel like crap.

That is what she did first. I don’t know why. OP you must ask yourself why you threatened to separate over him not clearing up? This is crucial.

On AIBU posters are often quick to jump to the worst possible interpretation.

Yes he says some terrible things, but they weren’t unprovoked. You're both tired and under pressure which has an impact.

I would suggest counselling as a first step.

She attacked and pretty hard first. She told him she’d leave him over clearing up dishes. She threatened him

That isn't what she said at all. She said the argument escalated and that was how it started. Stop lying.

If you believe his apology was sincere then yes, I would move on. Forgive - but don’t forget.
It seems to me like a row that blew up over nothing - many couples have them and quite often if the person feels backed in to a corner or like they’re being attacked, they will go straight for your weakest spot. And nobody knows your weakest spot better than your partner!

OP, I'm shocked by what hes said to you.
In your position I would be thinking of a way that I could get someone else to know what he has threatened. I'd tell him that you want to go to couples counselling, then discuss what he said to you. Record the therapy session if you can do it sneakily.
Make a show of trying to move on from it, however at this point you need to be getting your ducks in order. Speak with whomever deals with your mental health. Ask them for written confirmation that they dont believe your issues to negatively effect your ability to parent.
If you can, line up funds for an escape, put you and DDs passport and any relevant paperwork at someone else's house.

Be ready to go, because he sounds like hes already planning on how he will ruin you and I wouldn't be able to forget that.

and I don't know how/why, but the discussion of separation came up

OP doesn't say who brought it up. But yes, I think that her omission probably speaks for itself, and that she did. Which alters things a little, but only slightly. What he said was still unspeakable.

As for the cleaning thing - if you’re DH is usually sloppy then you’re justified in having something to say about it. If chores are usually equal then I wouldn’t have even mentioned it to him personally.

OK EVERYONE CAN STOP WITH THE SHIT ABOUT OP THREATENING HIM WITH SEPARATION BECAUSE

THAT'S

NOT

WHAT

THE

OP

SAYS.

DIRECT QUOTE FROM OP:

I don't know how/why, but the discussion of separation came up and how we'd share custody of DD

She told him she’d leave him over clearing up dishes. She threatened him. - LIE.

Yet OP also used her DPs fears and attacked him first! - LIE

Why the fuck do people do this?! If you're going to have a strong opinion, read the fucking op provided and do it with some basic fucking honesty.

Grrrrrrr!!!!!

She attacked and pretty hard first. She told him she’d leave him over clearing up dishes. She threatened him.

Sorry, where does it say that in the OP?

Yet OP also used her DPs fears and attacked him first! That is what she did first. I don’t know why. OP you must ask yourself why you threatened to separate over him not clearing up? This is crucial.

But please show us where exactly it says the OP 'attacked' or 'threatened' the partner at any point within the OP?

ohthatsfabulous seriously? Is this not a huge overreaction??

If he was like this all the time then I’d be worried - but is he?

Same thing happened to me with my ex and we did eventually split up and we have them 50/50 and co parent really well now, but yeah he’s basically showing you who he is and what he thinks of you, listen! And get rid.

Why the fuck do people do this?! If you're going to have a strong opinion, read the fucking op provided and do it with some basic fucking honesty.

Exactly, the amount of minimizing an apologists are disgusting. He has basically told her how he is going to wreck her in detail and idiots are telling her this is normal when people are upset or arguing.

FFS, OP saying that they'd have 50/50 access, isn't being controlling, or calling the shots! It's trying to be fair, so both parents get to see their child for the same amount of time. If she'd said she'd never let him see their child again, or that he could only have the child once a month, at times that she specifies, then that's controlling!

But it was he, who said he would basically torture her, so she has a mental breakdown, and he would stop her being able to look after their child. He was speaking the truth. Abusive partners always come out with that shit, accuse their partner of being "mental" and saying the courts will take the kids away from them. It's a method of control, to make the mother too scared of losing her children to leave. The difference with him, is that he sounds like that is his actual plan. Most abusive men, threaten it, but don't often actually follow through, because they don't want to have the children living with them, it's too much hassle.

This wasn't a heat of the moment thing. This was premeditated.

The argument escalated and I don't know how/why, but the discussion of separation came up and how we'd share custody of DD.

Nowhere does it say that she brought up separation first.

I'm so sorry OP, what he said was incredibly cruel. Just about the lowest possible blow I could imagine, in your situation.

Would you consider counselling? I know I couldn't simply move on from such an incident, however apologetic he was. It has to be brought out into the open and discussed properly, ideally with a neutral observer to help you both make sense of where you are.

Where does she say that she suggested separating? I can only see that she was the one who suggested 50/50 custody, no mention of who suggested separating initially.

Regardless, I would find his actions hard to forgive. He showed what a nasty & manipulative bully he’s prepared to be. To threaten to take your children and emotionally destroy you is beyond what o would accept as heat of the moment stuff in the midst of a row.

Why should you pity him when he cries yet he can mock you when you do?

I’m not saying I couldn’t move past it, but I think I would struggle to do so. Knowing the person you are with is capable of spewing such hatred at you would be a hard thing to come to terms with.

Even if she had provoked him, what he said is way too far.

Folk saying that posters are jumping "to the worst interpretation" of what he said. What exactly is a good interpretation of someone saying "I'll use your mental health against you as a weapon to get custody of our kids"? What is a less fucking awful interpretation of what that means? Genuine question cause I'd REALLY struggle to find one or to get over this.

On AIBU posters are often quick to jump to the worst possible interpretation.

I don't think there are many ways to interpret this:

he said 'no chance, she'd be with me all the time... I'd make things incredibly uncomfortable for you, until the point where you'd crack and they'd see you for the anxious mess that you are. She'd be better off with me so that she doesn't turn out like you.'

Other than he's a nasty person, no matter how stressed and tired he is.

I think in a way you did cross a line when you mentioned the separation word, I think your partner was triggered by the idea of you escaping from him, he considers you his property and he will go full on family destroyer if you even think of having an independent existence.
Mockingly comparing you to your mother, a person who has suffered severe psychological trauma, is a very cruel thing to do

I think in a way you did cross a line when you mentioned the separation word

Another one who cant bloody read!

He sounds fucking nasty