I don't know if I can move on from this

[purpletod]

DP and I had a huge argument last night. No shouting, as we have a DD 18 months, but harsh talking.

We're both very tired, both work FT with a young toddler. It's tough. We haven't been very close lately and the cracks are starting to show.

We've been ratty with each other for a while now and last night it came to a head after a petty argument over DP leaving the kitchen an absolute state after cooking.

The argument escalated and I don't know how/why, but the discussion of separation came up and how we'd share custody of DD. I said, of course it'd be 50/50 and he said 'no chance, she'd be with me all the time... I'd make things incredibly uncomfortable for you, until the point where you'd crack and they'd see you for the anxious mess that you are. She'd be better off with me so that she doesn't turn out like you.'

I had a very rough childhood. My DM has severe mental health issues and I do, myself, suffer with anxiety. My anxiety extends to being a worry wort and admittedly some kind of inferiority complex. This doesn't effect my parenting in any way.

Then I start to cry (ffs ) and he says 'oh look, it's (DM name) you're just like her, aren't you?!'

The things that I'd confined in him about thrown in my face. Apparently I only ever get upset with him due to my 'own insecurity'.

He later apologises, cries (I've only seen him cry once in 6 years) and says he can't believe that he's been so horrible.

I don't know what to do now. Can I just forgive and forget? I'm still raw and I feel as though the trust is gone.

OP, beware of posters deliberately working you up into a state. MN is not the safe supportive pair of hands I suspect you, indeed all of us, would need after this.

DP's shown remorse. Now he needs to act it.

To me, this is something he said in a moment of stress when he was doing his best to hurt you. He seems genuinely remorseful. If this was a one-off I would try to move past it.

good god.

I hope this can be mended, but I think you need to take protective action very quickly. If you're not married you have very few rights, although fortunately you work so have an income.

sadly I do agree with those who are saying that he's shown you who he is. I'm so sorry.

He said that he'd make you have a nervous breakdown and take your child. That was not off the top of his head, it's something he had thought through. You might choose to forgive, but it's not in your best interests to forget. He has a worst case scenario, you may as well work out yours...

That is chilling, OP. So many red flags there it's practically bunting.

Tell him what you've told us; that you're not sure you can come back from what he's said. Your trust and confidence in him has been comprehensively shredded by his words.

If he will attend counselling with you to get to the bottom of the issue, I'd give it a go, but if he won't, or if he ever hints at such a course of action again, you need to get out, I think.

He is not speaking from love or concern but from power and control. So many civilised boundaries breached here!

So sorry you've seen his true colours and that this is what they are.

This is contrary to much of the advice above - but the early days with a toddler are rough. Our marriage definitely took a beating even though our child was so desperately wanted and came after a long and painful journey.
There were times during those sleep deprived days when both DH and I said horrid things we didn’t mean and definitely regret.

Thing is, in a long relationship, it’s so easy to learn exactly what will hurt the other person the most. Yes we shouldn’t press on it, but it’s like a shiny nuclear button right there. And sometimes when you’re exhausted and have no reserves left you reach for it.

The fact that he cried later suggests he is also shocked by his behaviour. If he was doubling down and justifying it it would be different. Also see what his behaviour is like and how tired you both are - only you’d know if it’s a reasonable level of exhaustion or more tired than you both have ever been.

We have said these unkind things to each other and moved on from them with kindness too, it is possible. But he could also just be a nasty twat and this is part of a pattern - just gently suggesting that it isn’t the ONLY explanation here.

Wow at the people being all apologist

"Oh he's said he's sorry like a good boy so forgive him"

What the fuck?

It was calculated and designed to hit her where it hurt

Someone mentioned on a thread a few days ago that they'd noticed there was rise in posters defending abusive partners and I hadn't seen it til now.

Quite honestly I would try and make sure next time I recorded him (and there will be a next time) so that when he followed through with his threats I had some evidence for court.

My DH might be an arse at times and I’m sure pushed to it we could be pretty nasty to one another but he would never throw my mental health struggles at me or tell me vindictively how he would mentally abuse me before dragging my mental health through court.

He is not a nice person, what you do with that information is down to you.

What type of things did you say to him? I mean I suppose if you had said some really nasty things too then it might have been retaliation?

@Supersimkin2 how exactly can you show remorse and make reparation for showing your wife that you are capable of plotting against her in such a heinous manner?

Mumsnet will always almost unanimously tell you the leave etc.

Your DP was vicious, cruel and nasty. But if you want to move on and forgive him, you absolutely can. There’s nothing wrong with that. If I were you I would tell him that what he’s said is unacceptable, and I won’t put up with it again. He either makes the effort to move on and save your relationship, or you separate because you do not need to be spoken to like that.

Oh, and OP? He's completely wrong about ever being able to take your child from you.

Honestly I do think you need to not obsess or dwell on the nasty thing he said. You need to take a huge step back...

You both escalated really quick. Him more so. But you saying 50/50 was going from 0 to 100 as well - telling him what was to happen and you hadn’t even split up! You were both throwing stuff at each other.

Now is the time to look at your relationship as a whole. Not this stupid argument. Why did it happen?

How are things really?

Your inability to let go if his words shows a tension and resentment. Where does it come from?

Chilling words. Could you ever trust him again after weaponising your vulnerabilities against you?

He's already formulated his campaign to gain full custody of DC.

His words were not exactly spontaneous or in the moment. He's thought this through - the words burst out in anger but there's premeditation.

Plan and prepare your escape route. Also, prepare your defense to counter his allegations - get evidence of his failings.

By the way, if it ever did come to that, your best plan of action would be minimal contact and communication immediately, and filing paperwork with the family court to decide access, stating his threats. He gave you a heads up, he'll try and destroy you if you split. So make a plan for what you would do if that happened, and how you would protect yourself and your dd.

Unless the courts had very good reason, there is no way he would get full custody.

Those cruel words cannot now be unsaid

That's not a 'normal' row.

The spite in it was staggering. And all because he'd left a mess?

I think you need to have a long look at him at decide if this is what you want?

Outside counselling (Not couple's to start with) may help you

I don't agree that "his words would change me forever". Most 60 year marriages would have worse incidents in them. It sounds to me as though therapy would be a good thing. He sounds frightened that you are going to turn into your mum, and so are you. Call Relate, or similar. You've crossed the rubicon by mentioning the Separation word. You've threatened each other. Did you mean it? No, probably not, but you've worked out how to hurt each other. You need to talk it through before making a rash decision either way. If you don't, it will rear its ugly head next time you have a row. Get this sorted. Nip it in the bud.

I don't know if I could ever forgive anyone saying something so cruel. Being tired and stressed is no excuse for that level of viciousness. And it shows what he thinks of you deep down.

He ‘fought dirty’.

DH did similar to me in an argument once - under similar circumstances. I won’t lie, it very nearly finished us. I took the approach of ‘wait and see if it was a one-off’. A few years later and he’s never ever been so vicious or mean since, so I’m slowly starting to trust him again.

But it is very very damaging to a relationship. I don’t think you should force yourself to brush this under the carpet quickly.

I don't know what to do now. Can I just forgive and forget? I'm still raw and I feel as though the trust is gone.

No need to make any snap decisions. However, depending on whether you decide to stay with him or not -
Do you have savings? I'd get onto that, if not. Calm waters, paddling like mad below the surface.

The fact that he cried later suggests he is also shocked by his behaviour.

It could also suggest that he is emotionally manipulative. Many abusive men cry. It doesn't stop them repeating the behaviour.

I s this really the first time he's been so nasty?

The thing is, I had arguments with my other half when we were tired and stressed with toddlers and babies. It's normal! But we never said such cruel things. I think only somebody who is a very unkind person would say things like that, even in an argument. It would definitely make me see someone in a new light.

The fact that he cried later suggests he is also shocked by his behaviour

Well it might be. Equally it may well be an attempt to make the OP think this.

So when you cry, he mocks you and insults you, but when he cries you're supposed to feel sympathy for him?

Nah.

I could possibly forgive (and even that would be a struggle) but I would never be able to forget.