I don't know if I can move on from this

[purpletod]

DP and I had a huge argument last night. No shouting, as we have a DD 18 months, but harsh talking.

We're both very tired, both work FT with a young toddler. It's tough. We haven't been very close lately and the cracks are starting to show.

We've been ratty with each other for a while now and last night it came to a head after a petty argument over DP leaving the kitchen an absolute state after cooking.

The argument escalated and I don't know how/why, but the discussion of separation came up and how we'd share custody of DD. I said, of course it'd be 50/50 and he said 'no chance, she'd be with me all the time... I'd make things incredibly uncomfortable for you, until the point where you'd crack and they'd see you for the anxious mess that you are. She'd be better off with me so that she doesn't turn out like you.'

I had a very rough childhood. My DM has severe mental health issues and I do, myself, suffer with anxiety. My anxiety extends to being a worry wort and admittedly some kind of inferiority complex. This doesn't effect my parenting in any way.

Then I start to cry (ffs ) and he says 'oh look, it's (DM name) you're just like her, aren't you?!'

The things that I'd confined in him about thrown in my face. Apparently I only ever get upset with him due to my 'own insecurity'.

He later apologises, cries (I've only seen him cry once in 6 years) and says he can't believe that he's been so horrible.

I don't know what to do now. Can I just forgive and forget? I'm still raw and I feel as though the trust is gone.

@Longlongsummer
Why are you so determined to blame OP? Regardless of who started what it doesn’t excuse his vile comments?
By your standard if a woman gets murdered it’s her fault because she started the argument??
Off you go back to 1952, stop embarrassing yourself.

She said of course - there was no discussion. This was a threat. This was not a discussion - this was by her admission, a heated argument.

How the fuck is offering equal custody "a threat"?

@MonaLisaDoesntSmile however 50/50 could well be taken as a threat - anything dictated by one person about custody in the heat of an argument after she’d just told him she wanted separate - it’s ramping up the threats.

To be honest my gut feeling reading this from the OP, and obviously I could be wrong - is to feel really sorry for both of them. They are both probably feeling absolutely awful. Sounds like they are under a lot of stress and are at the point where OP is threatening to leave at a minor dispute and DP is retaliating like an awful nasty person. It’s a really low point. I just really hope that basically they are both good people, who just need to find their way back.

This is my last post because I’m a bit worried about the voracity of some posts. Aren’t we in a more mature place where we can read posts and question, be balanced, not go to extremes?

Anyway. It’s all about context isn’t it.

If I was offered 50/50 by my DP, in a reasonable discussion, both calm... that is not a threat.

However if I didn’t clear up after making my DP dinner (and why wouldn’t he clear up anyway) - and he escalated an argument as he was so mad with me, then said it was all over. And then said of course it’s 50/50 (no discussion) I would be beyond hurt and upset and see it all as being dictated to me.

I would also wonder why not clearing up after I’d cooked dinner justified such an attack. And so yes although still an awful thing if I’d then responded with a vile attack - I can see how I would have blown my top.

Anyway. I’m not actually putting you down OP. I have the greatest sympathy. I hope you get through it. If you want to keep people there is much support. Some of us may challenge. Some of us may say LTB but it is all support.

OP, only you can judge whether this is exceptional, stress-induced behaviour.

He might be a nasty piece of work who's been quietly building a case against you in his head. Alternatively, he might have felt defensive from something you said and felt the need to exercise the nuclear option.

Worth keeping an eye out.

Really sorry, it is very, very hard having toddlers and 2 people in full-time work and yes the kitchen can be a major trigger.

Thank you for your responses. I really appreciate them all.

I know that I shouldn't have overreacted about the kitchen, but it was a right mess! Food all over the floor, just unnecessary. I do everything around the house, except from cook. He enjoys it, I'm not fussed.

Regarding the separation comment: he'd said 'well maybe this isn't worth it then!' and I, being upset, just jumped on it. I shouldn't have, but I was just exhausted and had had enough

We're not married. He'd given me the whole 'after we move house', 'after X/after Y' bollocks and never materialised. I think he'd just said that so I'd stop asking about it. I've given up on that now.

Finances: we earn the same, there's no reliance on him as such, but we can't afford to live in this area (his work and mine too) without both of us contributing. If we were to split, I really don't know how we'd make it work financially. I think that's the hardest bit.

I've kept to myself this evening. I had an awful day at work and just can't be arsed with the arguments. He'd said a nasty comment earlier about someone we know, I'd asked him not to speak like that and he'd tutted and rolled his eyes.

Mental health issues: I'm a very anxious person, but that's just me generally. I think he's blown that out of proportion to purposely make me panic.

I just can't be bothered. Feeling very deflated, like this is my life now. We haven't been happy for ages. His parents are the same, have been together over 40 years now and despite living in the same home, I've never seen them actually talk to each other. They seem contempt like this, but I don't want to be like that

If I speak about last night, he'll just brush off his actions and it'll definitely be my fault somehow. He's never apologised for anything in the duration of our relationship. I have apologised (grovelled) every single time.

I think you should start looking at your options OP. Wishing you the best of luck!!

No wonder you’re having trouble moving on from this- he was incredibly nasty and manipulative with what he said- no excuse for saying that, he did it to deliberately upset you and tapped into your (probably) biggest insecurities.

I’m not saying LTB btw but as someone who’s got a mentally (amongst others) abusive ex who’s said very similar things, I will warn you that people like this don’t suddenly get a personality transplant. They’re always shits.

I think he is a nasty piece of work and will take you down if it ever comes to that. Just a really unkind, spiteful bastard.

But you said he did apologise, and cried.

I think you need to get some good advice, get some evidence, make a plan and leave. You can't trust him on custody clearly so you will need a lawyer.

@BalloonSlayer I meant before last night, sorry

He'd said a nasty comment earlier about someone we know, I'd asked him not to speak like that and he'd tutted and rolled his eyes.

Just such a charmer, isn't he? I know you say you can't live in that area without him paying bills, too. But I'd think life is too short to spend it the way you're doing right now. Good luck, OOP.

Oh OP, he really sounds like a horrible person. I don't think I could forgive and forget the horrible things he said to you. And the fact that he NEVER apologises...well thats a bit of a dealbreaker for me. I had a similar argument with DP not long ago, he never says sorry, ever, so told him of he didn't grow up then he'd be out on his ear. Anyway, I digress. Staying with this man will only make your mental state deteriorate, and he will find a way to blame you for it. Please 'get your ducks in a row' as they like to say on here, and get the fuck out of there. Good luck 💐💐💐

Have a look at recovering from narcissistic abuse if you get a chance.

It took me to go to a counsellor to wake up to the fact that there was nothing wrong with me, that everything was not my fault and that my husband at the very lease had narcissistic traits. This knowledge has helped me redraw boundaries in my marriage and renew my confidence in my own opinions that got worn down.

If you both work full time, why doesn't he do half of the housework?

And he's strung you along with getting married (he doesn't want you getting hold of any of his money if you split).

And he never said sorry, before last night (you always had to grovel to him).

I AM going to tell you to LTB, because he's not a decent man. If you can't afford to live there, you'll have to move, and commute into work. It will be hard, but you can't carry on living like this, your MH will get worse.

You threatened him with separation OP. Over leaving a mess. That’s pretty powerful. Then told him you’d control what access would be.

Eh? OP said the question of separation came up, she never said she raised it. Posters are just inventing that.

And how is suggesting 50/50 saying you'd control access - that's suggesting the fairest split possible?

Are you the OP's OH??

Nasty man. I doubt he would even be entitled to 50/50, let alone full custody, if you aren’t married!

I suspect your anxiety would improve if he wasn’t your DP.

That said, as long as you are safe, you can take your time to plan your options. Hopefully, childcare costs will start to drop in 12 months when you get the free hours. Start working out your options. Can you save for a rental deposit, could you move jobs to somewhere a bit cheaper and/or nearer your family.
Be the proverbial duck, all serene on the surface and paddling away underneath.
Don’t let his comments about custody get to you. Do you really think he wants all the work involved in looking after a child?

Based on the OP’s update......
For anyone who said counselling would work, that it was all down to stress. Blah blah blah . Read her update and thinkagain

He is a controlling abusive man. He meant what he said regarding breaking her and destroying her.
You were wrong. The OP is entirely right to think herself unable to move past this

Make a plan for a better life OP

LTB and find somewhere cheaper to live. He is not worth this heartache. He's manipulative and abusive.

Having read your update - I don't think you should be putting up with this situation.

I also think that he has shown you who he is and how he would behave in the event of a split. So - horrible as it is - he has actually done you a favour by giving you that information. Now you can prepare for it and counter it.

I hate to say it, but it's ducks-in-a-row time. to you, OP.

OP, if you stay or go thats your decision and none of us can make it for you... but while you decide what you are goign to do, get your exit package ready, get all your personal papers and your and your childs passports locked away, away from the house if you can, get copies of all his bank accounts, pay slips, pension plans, if it is safe to do so and save away from the house, start saving some money, so that if you do decide to leave, you have a fund to help you
and dont panic, courts are very good at picking abusive men, they can see the manipulation a mile off, they are not fooled by the charm, they have seen them in action a million times and know their routine, so you wont lose custody of your child... and if you do leave get a lawyer and follow advice and get every little detail n writing in a court order, holidays, mothers day fathers day, if either of you can take the child out of the country who gets xmas etc etc in writing.... any communication with him is via email or text message never in person, so you have a written record and evidence.... good luck with what ever you do here

How do you get up in the morning or look forward to another day with a stupid ass who never apologizes or speaks to you like that? Who made false promises to you that he'd marry you?