To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

As far as I'm concerned, if a woman has an ex partner who sees and supports his DC, and pays financial support to their mum, she is a single woman, not a single mother.

Yabu. You sound really jealous op. She sounds like she’s empathising with other lone parents rather than making out she’s got it worse than anybody else.
Being a single parent is boring, hard work and fucking lonely. She has no one to talk to in the evening after the kids are in bed and her kids are with their dad when she’s off work so she’s probably lonely weekends too.
Has it occurred to you that she may be trying to make other sp friends and by highlighting common ground she’s trying to make conversation?
You just come off as really judgmental of her situation and as if you think she’s lucky that her ex does what he should be doing and seeing and supporting his kids- not her, his kids. His “supporting her “ covers the fact that she’s not able to work full time, probably gets paid pro rata and provides full time childcare during holidays as well as feeds, clothes and keeps a roof over the children’s heads. Whatever he’s giving her I doubt it’ll cover that with any spare for treats.

As a widowed parent I use the term lone parent, not single as my relationship status has nothing to do with the fact that I am truly alone in parenting my kids and always will be because their dad cannot come back from the dead. I think single parents with an involved partner should not use the term lone parent for this reason, their DC have two single parents.

We call complete families Double Parents as to us Widowed parents having two parents seems like an enormous luxury and certainly double what you need :) We also wonder how you can possibly find it hard . Likewise you single parents who get weekends off!

But it's not a race to the bottom. We all have our own troubles to bear.

As far as I'm concerned, if a woman has an ex partner who sees and supports his DC, and pays financial support to their mum, she is a single woman, not a single mother.

That's bollocks, just because dc has another parent who pays the bare minimum and sees the kids eow and the odd day in the holiday (which by default if that parent doesn't show up/decides they can't have them) it's the resident parent responsibility to have them by default. This parent doesn't mean the rp isn't a single or lone parent.

IceAndASlice123
Raspberry K, the reality is, some new partners do try and take on a parenting role as they get told how crap the biological parent is 😐
It's a lot easier in many ways if the child gets on with the partner. It also gives the biological parent that emotional, practical and financial help that a lone parent would not have as well as always having that childcare cover.

The reality is I've been in all of the following situations; married with children (albeit H was shit), lone parenting very tiny children for 4 years, and living with a DP. My DP is brilliant, he's better than my xh ever was, he will take on housework and help here and there with homework and backing me up with discipline issues. He can pop to the shop if we run out of anything. I can ask him to babysit sometimes (don't forget they aren't his children). I get a lot of emotional support from having my DP, but this comes at a price. One that is governed by the department for work and pensions, which removed a vast majority when he moved in (think all but £10 per week), and then all bar child benefit, of the money I used to top up my income/childcare.
So now I am actually worse off financially, because my dp is a low earner he can't support us any more money wise. I get to split the bills with someone now, however those bills are far more than they were when I was single just one example is zero council tax (as a student), to an extra 100 odd pcm. Plus the increase in utilities, but I'm minus the warm home discount.
So instead of worrying about large or unexpected bills as a single person I just get the same worry with the regular bills but we both get to worry about it.

I feel like there needs to be a seperate word for parenting dc with a non bio dp, it's not lone/single parenting but as thats what I had been for 4 hours I still "identify" as such.
I recognise it's not as difficult as lone parenting, but it also needs to be recognised that it's not the same as co-parenting with your dc's actual father. At the end of the day a dp could walk away from you with zero further responsibility to you and your children with no recourse, unlike a bio dad.

I use single parent to describe myself as I am single, and a parent. Doesn't matter that my ex is involved. He doesn't do 50/50 of the childcare.

Lone parent is the term I use for a parent who has absolutely no help or support from the other parent and that is a different situation. I am not a lone parent as I am not doing it all alone.

This thread comes up again and again.

Thing is it’s not comparable. Sometimes being a lone parent is far, far easier than being married to a man that leaves you with the mental and physical load for two adults as well as the child. Dump him and there’s half the load.

Some LP have lots of help and have a decent social life and plenty of down time. Some married people work opposite jobs so they never see each other and never get tome outside work/kids.

I remember as a child a friend complaining to me how horrible it was that her parents had divorced, and she had to see her dad that weekend, and everything was separate. My dad had just died extremely suddenly and all I could think was how I would give anything to be able to see my dad again, even if it was just weekends and birthdays.

People always think their own situation is worse.

They use lone parent on all of the benefit forms fyi... the definition is much the same - a person with a child and no husband or partner living with them.
Quibbling over semantics isn't really helpful in this thread.

Sorry about your dad Bluebell xx

Raspberry, I do hear what you are saying. I just think in the cases I know, the partners aren't living with the parent but are there a lot so they don't have to worry about the financial side. The person I am thinking of has 2 evenings a week sole parenting but is able to work from home and do school pick up. The other days they can socialise as they don't have the kids or their partner is there to help out.
But I can see your point about financial issues if a partner does move in as you lose benefits etc. With that said, if you are a very high earner as the person I am describing is that won't matter as they won't be entitled to a lot of them anyway and isn't actually living with the partner.

But I can see your point about financial issues if a partner does move in as you lose benefits etc

Surely though that meant you’re financially better off as a lone parent? As it doesn’t matter whether your DP is the kids dad or not, you’ll still not get those benefits if you live with someone.

So you can’t say you are less financially stable living with a DP than the kids dad. If you are better off living alone with Benefits and CM then finances aren’t an argument for being “worse off” as a lone parent.

That's the thing isn't it, every situation is unique, there's no rated scale for hardship in terms of parenting. But in general the weight of responsibility as an SP is heavier than live in co-parenting with the father of the child/children.

The vast majority of single parents aren't high earners, for whatever reason. I personally am working on my own earning potential.

In the mean time I was too terrified of the benefit system to have an undeclared partner. I had been reported for fraud as having a partner that lived with me because he stayed over one or two nights every other weekend unless he was working. Despite him never having met the kids the dwp said he would be classed as living there if we did that and that I was allowed no overnight guests.

Why shouldn’t a single parent “have it easy”? Should they be punished forevermore as their relationship broke down

@Mammylamb, that’s an excellent question! I would answer that I have seen posts on here about single parents that are awful - why should she live in a nice house/drive a new car/go on holiday....people seem to struggle to understand that even single parents vary in how much money they have and so some will always be better off than a couple just because they earn more. It seems to some people, if you’re a single mum and not visibly struggling you are doing it wrong!

I've seen similar threads @sotiredofthislife. I don't actually think it's that anyone thinks they are wrong. It's more , probably from people in unhappy relationships. Like, why does she get to be single and NOT destitute?

Quite sad when you think about it, as many women have no real option but to stay in unhappy relationships.

There was an op on here recently who was talking about her dire financial circumstances after she split with her husband, who sounded like a right prince, so she was right to split with him, but it meant she was in bad shape financially and probably will be for a while at least. Another poster on here saying that she was going to live in a caravan on a holiday park, because she was desperate to leave her husband. Then she realised that even the possibly risky caravan on a holiday park situation was not affordable for her.

Not these ops, but I imagine there are plenty of women who are in similar situations who just think they have to stay coupled up to survive. Seeing a woman doing well, raising their children and happily single must bring out the green eyed monster in SOME of them.

Surely though that meant you’re financially better off as a lone parent? As it doesn’t matter whether your DP is the kids dad or not, you’ll still not get those benefits if you live with someone.

That also depends doesn't it? You're worse off generally when you move to being sp if the dp/h in the previous relationship was financially secure such as a good wage, you were home owners. Again it's not one size fits all. Then you'd say well then the sp get the maintenance. Funnily enough my xh quit his business (150k pa turnover) and went cash in hand for a while and then got an average paid job that he can just about manage on so that he gets away with paying less towards his dc.

What an odd thread . Why would people make a competition about perceived hardship? What is the prize here? Destitution?

Everyone will have a moan from time to time - it’s just human nature. Being envious of another woman just because she has a school hours job and an exH who takes the kids at weekends, says more about the OP than anything else, tbh.

Everyone will have a moan from time to time - it’s just human nature. Being envious of another woman just because she has a school hours job and an exH who takes the kids at weekends, says more about the OP than anything else, tbh

Is it envy or lack of consideration though?

I remember as a child a friend complaining to me how horrible it was that her parents had divorced, and she had to see her dad that weekend, and everything was separate. My dad had just died extremely suddenly and all I could think was how I would give anything to be able to see my dad again, even if it was just weekends and birthdays

So I was envious of my friend seeing her dad? Or was my friend inconsiderate assuming as her parents were divorced and mine weren't she had it harder?

Moaning how hard you have it on the assumption that your lone parent status makes you worse off , when you actually you should be appreciative of what you have. Especially when there are truly LP out there with no help and a completely absent other parent- moaning about your situation when you have an involved ex, two set of grandparents, can afford to work school hours etc seems inconsiderate.

Listening to someone dramatically whine about how hard they have it, when they do not, does not make you jealous, or desperate to see them unhappy

It just makes you think how self absorbed they are.

Rubbish - if you're a good friend (and the OP says she's a really close friend), you listen sympathetically if your friends think they struggling. Because it's subjective. You don't collect points for each issue you're dealing with and judge need based on the points. You support friends. Distract if necessary and get blunt if need be.

This thread comes up all the time. It's ridiculous- the competitive suffering. what happened to being supportive?

Listening to someone dramatically whine about how hard they have it, when they do not
But who gets to say whether someone’s life is difficult or not? Are we supposed to wear our troubles for all to see and judge? As I’ve said up thread, there are things in my life that means single parenting is easier for me than some but much of my struggle is invisible. I shouldn’t have to justify an occasional moan to a friend without fear of them gossiping about how easy my life is all over the internet. That’s not how friendship works.

But she doesn’t have anyone to share her worries and troubles with at the end of the day. A lovely snuggle on the sofa watching your favourite box set beats free childcare any day.

A lovely snuggle on the sofa watching your favourite box set beats free childcare any day

Last time DH and I managed that was in 2004.

But she doesn’t have anyone to share her worries and troubles with at the end of the day

It doesn't have to be the child's father though does it? Could be new dp, mother, friend, colleague, random internet stranger.

In fact I know many lone parents who actually prefer not having to take another adults opinion into account when making child related decisions.

Bottom line is everyone and every persons situation is different. You can have a moan by all means but saying your life is so tough as a single parent relative to every cohabiting parent is just inconsiderate.

Say you're struggling, say you hate not having someone to talk things over with, don't say your life is as difficult as Karen's because you're both single parents. It's not comparable.

Last time DH and I managed that was in 2004.

That sounds like a couple issue blue. There are loads of things your dc can be involved in depending on their ages. But if you're saying you did this in 04 and it was bc, those dc would have been really old enough for you to have done that well before now

There isn't anyone like the DC s father is there?

I'm not sure you get this atall, and you might be suffering in your own relationship from lack of couple time. If you are being left alone to parent, or literally never have time alone, or alone with your OH thats a couples problem.

A lone/single mother has noone there to turn to over her DC s decision-making, or adult company once she's into the evening routine, to sit and eat a supper with or share the responsibilities with.

She is responsible.

She can't be asking others round at all hours of the night to share her parenting duties when onea vomitting and the others got diarrhoea or bad dreams, or ill themself.

If OH won't do that, thata a couples problem.

My friend works in divorce law. She announced to me once how single mothers have it much easier, more child free time etc. A few years later she left her husband and her life is pretty great. She is always off on holiday without her child, and gets plenty of child free time with her new husband. She has so much time for hobbies now that she never had before.

She has admitted recently that her life is absolutely perfect apart from when her child is around.

She has admitted recently that her life is absolutely perfect apart from when her child is around

Well, she sounds pretty unusual. Most parents like having their dcs around!