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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

467 replies

coffeeforone · 24/10/2019 07:43

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

OP posts:
IceAndASlice123 · 24/10/2019 20:30

Some parents find it very easy to not see their kid only half the time as it gives them more time to socialise and spend with new partners. But I can't see how anyone could not feel very sad about it. I would hate not having my child with me all the time, its like someone said upthread, you miss out on 50% of their childhood. I feel sorry for the parents who find it incredibly hard and don't understand the ones who find it easy/not bothered.

formerbabe · 24/10/2019 20:32

@Smotheroffive

You're talking nonsense. Yes, if me and him went to a huge effort, we could probably just about organise for me or him to have a childfree weekend but it would be a one off and a huge hassle.

Some single mums on here are saying they hate weekends without their children...the ones I know bloody love it. They're cracking open the wine and having girly weekends away and nights out. They'd be moaning a hell of a lot more, if their exes didn't have the kids.

ffswhatnext · 24/10/2019 20:32

Then those are your choices. It’s not other people fault that you are in this position. And you being at home all day isn’t a reason for him to do nothing.

ffswhatnext · 24/10/2019 20:34

How is it a huge hassle to pack some camping equipment for example and off they go?

formerbabe · 24/10/2019 20:34

@ffswhatnext. Yes of course my oh takes the dc out by himself...but we share stuff over the weekend so I never have a whole weekend off, neither does he. Oh and I don't work so no, I don't expect him to spend his weekends batch cooking.

OhILoveYourHairLikeThat · 24/10/2019 20:35

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ffswhatnext · 24/10/2019 20:36

Smotheroffive isn’t talking nonsense. It’s what people do. Even couples do the same.

formerbabe · 24/10/2019 20:37

And you being at home all day isn’t a reason for him to do nothing

I never said he does nothing...but no, you can't be a sahm with kids at school for six hours and expect your partner to come home and mop the kitchen floor.

ffswhatnext · 24/10/2019 20:39

Doesn’t have to be every weekend. But why should all meals fall on your shoulders? Doesn’t he eat? Doesn’t he want to be more involved in what his children eat?
He could make a lasagne larger than required. Freeze the rest. Just one example of how he could cook two meals for his family.

JacquesHammer · 24/10/2019 20:39

What do we call the situation of one half of a married couple telling single mums what they do, how they spend their time, how they feel about it, how their allegedly “happy” life is sooooo hard.

Smugsplaining?
Coupsplaining?
Wifesplaining?

JacquesHammer · 24/10/2019 20:40

They're cracking open the wine and having girly weekends away and nights out

Sure. If your friends are characters in chick lit

OhILoveYourHairLikeThat · 24/10/2019 20:40

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ffswhatnext · 24/10/2019 20:41

You cannot expect to live and not do the bare minimum needed.
And why shouldn’t he pick up the mop once in awhile? He fly around the place not making a mess?

OooErMissus · 24/10/2019 20:41

Anyone who bores on about how hard they have it is a tedious twat, and should be given a wide swerve.

One of my best friends is a single Mum to 3, aged 9-3. Her ex is on the other side of the world, and she has no family nearby. She works full time.

I can't even imagine how grindingly hard it must be for her, mentally and emotionally, but you NEVER hear her complain.

We're happily married, but have no family support at all (my DPs have both passed away, and all other family are overseas). No weekends away or nights off for us, no quick babysitting options, but we have it downright easy compared with most.

If you're being annoyed by someone's utter tediousness, there's a very simple solution.

Massive Thanks and also Wineto those getting on with doing it alone.

blackteasplease · 24/10/2019 20:44

@OhILoveYourHairLikeThat thank you so much for putting it so well. And yet I'm so proud of how my kids cope without being with me every day. When they would like to be.

formerbabe · 24/10/2019 20:44

Doesn’t have to be every weekend. But why should all meals fall on your shoulders? Doesn’t he eat? Doesn’t he want to be more involved in what his children eat

I don't give a flying fuck if he cooks the odd meal. That's not the issue. I'm not complaining about him. I'm making the point that some single mums get regular childfree weekends (the ones I know love it)...I cannot have that easily. I can get the odd hour or so but whole weekends is a different story. Just having a partner, doesn't necessarily mean your life is easy or carefree.

IceAndASlice123 · 24/10/2019 20:47

Jacques, I know for a fact some are. They spend their free weekends loving the free time, drinking and going out to concerts and festivals. They see it as the best of both worlds. I just couldn't enjoy that if it were me in that scenario.

JacquesHammer · 24/10/2019 20:48

They spend their free weekends loving the free time, drinking and going out to concerts and festivals

I have a friend who portrays that image. In reality she fills every minute because she hates her time without her children.

It’s so easy (and incredibly patronising) for people to say “I’d LOVE a child free weekend” when (a) you’re posting on a thread with people saying how hard they find it and (b) it is quite simply their choice not to.

Incredibly gauche.

OooErMissus · 24/10/2019 20:50

It so is. I'm cringing hard for some people on this thread.

blackteasplease · 24/10/2019 20:51

You've told us you have six hours a day to.yourself formerbabe . And at weekends you have, or should have, someone else doing 50% of the work. Whilst all the time having your precious children safe at home.

Single mothers who get free weekends (never mind those who don't have another parent in the picture) typically get one weekend having to do everything on their own, which is knackering, and the other weekend missing their kids.

ffswhatnext · 24/10/2019 20:51

No but you still have options to have child free weekends. You are just choosing not to.

Could I give my dc’s away every weekend? Not a chance. No amount of girls weekends or whatever would make up for the missing hole in my heart. The sadness I would feel on top of the existing sadness for the situation. And the guilt. Omg the guilt of the situation to begin with and questioning every single thing I do.

For the sanity of myself and my children I arrange weekends where we are apart.

Do I begrudge those single parents in the ops situations? I feel empathy for what she is giving up in return.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 24/10/2019 20:52

formerbabe your children are school age and you don't work? So you get 6 hours to yourself every day then and you have somebody who supports you financially. Single mothers don't have that.

minesagin37 · 24/10/2019 20:54

You sound bitter op. Let's not berate other women who are just doing their best to make a life for their kids. There are some horrendous people out there who deserve your scorn rather than your 'close friend'. Not!

ffswhatnext · 24/10/2019 20:56

If I was in the situation of being child free I would be going out because I would be doing this to try and make me feel better.
I would be using booze for the reasons you don’t.
I would appear to have the time of my life. You wouldn’t see the physical and emotional scars.

Like I said upthread you see the Instagram version of all the happiness. You don’t see the stuff going on to make everything look fantastic.

formerbabe · 24/10/2019 20:58

To be fair, plenty of single mums on this thread have said they think the single mum in the op is taking the piss by complaining.

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