Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
DappledThings · 25/10/2019 20:54

lasagna from scratch takes no longer than 20 minutes to put together, 30 if you don't do it often

My recipe for lasagna takes 20 minutes just to simmer the red sauce (after prepping the bits for that and reducing the white wine for 7 minutes) then another 30 minutes simmering once the meat is in (after the meat has been browned) then another 45 minutes in the oven after it's been assembled.

I'm sure there are much quicker recipes but mine's really good! It is a faff though so I only do it about twice a year.

DappledThings · 25/10/2019 20:57

You're a family, act like one

That to me is exactly what we would do. Work together to get everything done, then sit down to eat together. At no point would acting like a family include one person helping themselves just to suit themselves without thought for the others. Which is what OP's husband did.

Teacakeandalatte · 25/10/2019 21:00

You're a family, act like one.

Equally could be said to the dh scarfing down his dinner in the kitchen.

Booksandwine80 · 25/10/2019 21:05

If someone wanted me to wait 45 minutes to eat something that was already cooked when I was starving I would feel like being rude as well!

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 21:09

DappledThings

But you don't need to be stood over it while it's cooking do you?

I usually cook the bolognaise in the slow cooker so that I only have to make the bechamel sauce, assemble it and put in the oven but even without doing that it's only a case of browning the meat and then adding everything else and leave to cook, before making the white sauce and then assembling to put into the oven.

There's not more than 20 minutes of my time used to make it.

DappledThings · 25/10/2019 21:13

But you don't need to be stood over it while it's cooking do you?

Mostly with mine. It's frying chopped carrot and onion for 5 minutes, then adding wine for another 7, then another 20 with the tinned tomatoes and other stuff. Then whizzing it in the food processor, then browning the meat, then simmering the sauce with the meat for another 30 mins. During that time I'd make the white sauce and wash up the pans I'd already used. Then assemble the whole thing then bake for 45 minutes. Easily 2 hours altogether.

I do know this is a long-winded way to do it!

Atticusblame · 25/10/2019 21:36

This thread is hilariously bonkers, but this is the best line:

"I wouldn't want wedges with a lasagna. Very carb heavy."

I loved that line too! Grin Grin

YANBU, OP. Anyone who thinks it's normal that a well fed adult can't wait 45 minutes to eat is bonkers.

tinyvulture · 25/10/2019 21:43

Annoying. I’d be at least mildly pissed off if I’d been looking forward to sitting down to dinner with my dp, and he ate beforehand. Probably even more so if I had made the food!
Having said that, not worth really falling out over.

ineedaholidaynow · 25/10/2019 22:10

There are obviously many different lasagne recipes. I think DH’s recipe is on a par with DappledThings. We only have it at weekends it takes so long to make.

Many people still seem to be ignoring the fact that OP was unable to eat at the same time as her DH as she was rushing around doing other things. Surely it is rude to sit down to eat a meal, whether it was complete or not, whilst the person who made the meal is unable to eat it as they have to finish other tasks (even if she was hungry too) Surely the most considerate thing the DH could do was to take over one of the tasks.

nuxe1984 · 25/10/2019 22:21

I would stop eating with him. Make dinner - eat yours earlier and leave his in the oven. Or plate it up for him to microwave.

If he says anything just say that you assumed he wasn't bothered about eating together seeing as he never waits for dinner. Or just say - I was hungry and couldn't be bothered waiting for you.

LaraLondon1 · 25/10/2019 22:26

I hear your pain OP, I’ve a partner who seems to think he is in a fast food place . Will vv rarely eat with me even if he is home at the same time .
I’m lucky if he even says thanks after .
So although you might be annoyed and I get that , at least he still respects your time together to eat (whilst he had salad and wedges)
I’d take that .

ReanimatedSGB · 25/10/2019 22:51

So many people missing the fact that this man has asked for dinner to be set at a later time, so that he doesn't 'want anything to eat later'. So OP has accommodated that, yet he disregards the timetable he suggested, starts to eat instead of helping OP with DC* and then eats more... and even more. Then, presumably, asks her why she didn';t 'stop' him from eating so much.

Onesailwait · 25/10/2019 22:58

I can't see the problem, it was made to be eaten & he ate it and enjoyed it, just not at the time you had planned. He can eat the sides in front of the tv with a glass of wine when they're ready. Not something i could get worked up about.

Catsinthecupboard · 26/10/2019 01:55

I think that he was extremely RUDE!!

You made a nice dinner and he had it before everyone else. It doesn't matter what he eats at mealtime now.

Part of making a special meal is enjoying with your family. He took away that special shared meal time.

My dh wouldn't think of doing it and he loves my cooking; esp. Lasagna.

I am sorry, OP, he was rude.

Flowers
TequilaPilates · 26/10/2019 08:17

ReanimatedSGB

And you seem to be missing the point that if he has an ED no one else can solve it for him. No amount of putting in rules around food will help. All that he'll do, if he can't eat at home, is buy food while he's out.

If he wants to change it has to come from him. Treating him like a child and enforcing meal times and banning snacks won't help, I'd think it will make it worse by making food such a big focus.

Clutterbugsmum · 26/10/2019 08:50

This is a classic Mumsnet thread.

OP cooks dinner to her H demands, he wants to eat later, he wants the 'bigger' meals so HE doesn't snack later. And yet the OP is in the wrong.

OP I don't think YABU, but I also don't know what you can do if your DH has an eating disorder.

roisinagusniamh · 26/10/2019 08:54

It is indeed a classic Mumsnet thread where the OP has partnered up with a childish man instead of an equal and comes on to moan about it.

53rdWay · 26/10/2019 08:57

If he wants to change it has to come from him.

This is coming from him though. He's the one who asked to have dinner later so he won't get hungry at night, he's the one who asked her to make big carb-heavy meals so he won't get hungry at night.

It is still asking her to arrange things around his eating disorder and so won't actually help fix it. He needs do that himself. But it's not true to say this is all coming from the OP's desire to do it for him against his wishes - she's doing what he's asked her to do.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 26/10/2019 09:07

If he was that hungry I prob would have just dished up the lasagne with salad there and then. If he had eaten the banana then he may not have enjoyed your delicious lasagne so much.

TequilaPilates · 26/10/2019 09:14

This is coming from him though. He's the one who asked to have dinner later so he won't get hungry at night, he's the one who asked her to make big carb-heavy meals so he won't get hungry at night.

It's still making her responsible for his eating -it won't work, he has to do it himself.

Yes, if it's ops turn to cook then the meals should be healthy (which by no stretch of the imagination lasagne plus.potato wedges can claim to be) but there's no way that enforcing meal times or banning late night eating will work.

She needs to tell him that she will support whatever he does but she can't do it for him.

53rdWay · 26/10/2019 09:45

It's still making her responsible for his eating -it won't work, he has to do it himself.

I said exactly that in my next sentence, right after the one you quoted!

No, it won't work - clearly. It's not working right now. But it's not fair for all the pp who are ignoring the OP's posts to blame her for being controlling, like she's the one imposing all this on him.

ChilledBee · 26/10/2019 09:51

What happened to saying to your grownass husband that he needs to control his own diet but you'll not cook double carb cheesy meals to help a bit.

53rdWay · 26/10/2019 10:13

Because he’s asking her to cook heavy carby cheesy meals and saying that he’s worried about his eating and this will help him.

It won’t help him, it's just going to cause fights and resentment. But it’s very common for people with any kind of eating disorder or other addiction to go through this phase with their partners/family/friends/whatever. It’s a hard lesson to learn to say “that won’t help and I’m not your nanny, to set you rules you won’t set for yourself.” It’s not as simple as her just telling him to sort himself out and ta-da! all’s sorted.

My old friend/flatmate who binge ate did exactly this kind of thing and was a nightmare to live with. “Oh I’m really worried about my eating, I’m really worried about my health, please please please help me by doing XYZ.” So we’d do XYZ and he’d thank us one day then sulk at us the next then raid the fridge overnight on the third.

nicky7654 · 26/10/2019 10:30

If my husband comes home starving and dinner isn't quite ready he will have some crisps or biscuits. Not ever actually heard of someone doing this. I do however think it is rude as you was putting baby down to sleep then finishing dinner to eat together.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/10/2019 12:44

I can't believe this is still going.

Has anyone even noticed that OP is loooong gone? And who can blame her!

Meanwhile, the H is probably at least 22 stone by now.

Let's leave it people.