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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
adaline · 25/10/2019 09:37

Nobody who hasn't made a lasagna from scratch understands what a kerfuffle it is. He made you miss out on that domestic goddess moment that makes it all worthwhile, where you put the perfect finished product on the table.

Goodness me, do people really think like that?

It's a meal that will be demolished in minutes, not a work of art!

NoSquirrels · 25/10/2019 09:44

It's not a 'kerfuffle' though, is it? It's not Michel-star sous vide chicken ballotine with Dauphinoise potatoes and vegetables 3 ways. It's just an assembly job of pasta sheets and 2 sauces. If you're savvy, you'll make the Bolognaise in a big batch a different day, and bechamel sauce is easy and only requires 1 pan (or, heaven forfend, a jug in the microwave.)

NoCauseRebel · 25/10/2019 09:54

I honestly can't believe people treat their grown up spouses like this like what exactly? Not buying in several different foods so they can have two or three meals a night which essentially accounts to several days worth of meals for the family?

If there’s food in the house then perhaps he could cook that for himself, but in truth most families budget for their weekly shop. Expecting to budget for ten meals a week instead of five is unreasonable. Buy in some crisps, snacks, fruit, but fish fingers at 10:00 at night when he’s already had dinner equates to a whole other meal and is greed. And there’s no way I would be buying extra meals just so that a greedy partner could stuff the lot at 10:00 at night when he is provided with perfectly suitable meals at dinner time.

Occasionally is one thing. My teenager occasionally decides he’s hungry at night and wil make himself some pasta or similar. But if he was doing this every night when he’d already had a decent sized dinner then it would annoy me because it would be seriously eating (no pun intended) into the family food budget.

I will buy snacks, crisps, occasionally biscuits and some chocolate if he wants it. He is free to eat that, but I buy a set amount, if he chose to eat several packs of crisps in one sitting then I certainly wouldn’t be buying any more until my next shop.

So if this OP’s DH is clearing out the freezer several times a week should the OP go out and buy more to facilitate his desire to pig out? I don’t think so.

ineedaholidaynow · 25/10/2019 10:03

For people saying what does making lasagne from scratch mean, I assume it means you are not using sauces from jars.

DH is the main cook in our house, and when he makes a lasagne the preparation seems to take much longer than a bog standard pasta sauce.

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 10:05

Oh my goodness. This thread.

Wonder what the views would be if a woman wrote that she was overweight and so her husband had now taken to controlling her food intake, refused to allow her to eat the food that was in the house and has told her she can eat the meals he made, at the time he says?

Would posters be queueing up to say yeah, you're being a greedy pig, get some self control?

woodchuck99 · 25/10/2019 10:12

If there’s food in the house then perhaps he could cook that for himself, but in truth most families budget for their weekly shop. Expecting to budget for ten meals a week instead of five is unreasonable. Buy in some crisps, snacks, fruit, but fish fingers at 10:00 at night when he’s already had dinner equates to a whole other meal and is greed. And there’s no way I would be buying extra meals just so that a greedy partner could stuff the lot at 10:00 at night when he is provided with perfectly suitable meals at dinner time.

There is just something so controlling about your post. DH and I both buy food and take it in turns to cook it. I don't have a particular budget but even if we did, he has as much right to decide as me what we buy for food. You sound like you are talking about a child who you are in charge rather than an adult who is contributing to the household budget and has the right to eat what they want.

woodchuck99 · 25/10/2019 10:17

Wonder what the views would be if a woman wrote that she was overweight and so her husband had now taken to controlling her food intake, refused to allow her to eat the food that was in the house and has told her she can eat the meals he made, at the time he says?

Exactly. Some of the posters on this thread sound so controlling and clearly don't see much difference between their DH and their children.

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 10:19

I just can't imagine my husband telling me what it is okay to eat and when. On a day where he won't get to eat much and/or has lots to do, hubby will eat curried goat for breakfast with rice or what they call "hard food". Not always curried goat but he will essentially have dinner for breakfast.
I think it is bonkers! But imagine me telling him he shouldn't?!

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 10:22

It's not Michel-star sous vide chicken ballotine with Dauphinoise potatoes and vegetables 3 ways.
This was dinner in my house growing up. How I longed for lasagne.

Mix56 · 25/10/2019 10:42

What I hoped to put forward, was not that anyone can dictate, but why go to the effort to prepare this wonderful food, if your partner just scoffs it alone in the kitchen?, leaving you to eat alone.
Where is the partnership ?
As it turns out, he has an eating problem, but seriously he could lay the table & wait 15 mins, or just eat the banana she proposed.

woodchuck99 · 25/10/2019 10:47

What I hoped to put forward, was not that anyone can dictate, but why go to the effort to prepare this wonderful food, if your partner just scoffs it alone in the kitchen?, leaving you to eat alone.

If I go to the effort of preparing nice food it will be because it tastes nice. Eating it alone or with someone doesn't make any difference to the taste.

Charley50 · 25/10/2019 10:52

I love curried goat, or any curry actually for breakfast.. yum!

bohemia14 · 25/10/2019 11:14

I would be furious if my DH did this. He's far from perfect but he wouldn't be so rude. Neither would I. It's not unreasonable to wait 45 minutes to eat with your partner - he could have had a shower, glass of wine, whatever. He's not going to starve in 45 minutes.

Hullygully · 25/10/2019 11:24

wot SGB said

FizzyGreenWater · 25/10/2019 11:40

Oh FFS OP make a massive lasagne next time, in a giant bucket, and when his snout hits it just hold his face under for a minute or two.

job done

FizzyGreenWater · 25/10/2019 11:40
mbosnz · 25/10/2019 11:54

I'd be pretty put out if DH did this - a lasagne from scratch is a bit of effort, and worthy of appreciation! Especially when I'd asked him to have something else to tide him over, while I run around like a fool in a fit getting the children to bed.

And I'm sorry, I fail to see that the poor man was wasting away, and couldn't possibly manage to sustain himself with anything other than the sodding lasagne for the next half hour.

It sounds to me like a lack of appreciation for the person who made the lasagne, and who was still running around to get the kids to bed, and very poor self control.

I hope he did the dishes.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/10/2019 12:10

Also surprised at PP saying just let him eat as much as he wants and never mind the food budget. There have been threads in the past about greedy men who might acknowledge that money is tight (because, FFS, money for food IS tight for many households) yet still see it as their right to eat anything available without consulting anyone else, even when it is obvious that the man making himself bacon sandwiches after dinner means no bread or bacon for the rest of the family till the next week because there is no money to buy any more.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 25/10/2019 12:11

He made you miss out on that domestic goddess moment

🤢

seaweedandmarchingbands · 25/10/2019 12:13

Also surprised at PP saying just let him eat as much as he wants and never mind the food budget.

Families are different. A fish finger sandwich at 10pm isn’t going to bankrupt us, so I don’t care if my husband has one (provided he doesn’t wake me up clunking around the kitchen - grr). He isn’t overweight and he does plenty of exercise. Even if he was overweight, I could talk to him about that, but they’re not just my fish fingers and - because we can afford it - he can eat them if he likes. If the food budget was tighter then it would be a different conversation.

ThatMuppetShow · 25/10/2019 12:19

He made you miss out on that domestic goddess moment

what a beautiful summary Grin

mbosnz · 25/10/2019 12:30

As you say, all families are different.

I was brought up in a house where every meal was eaten together, and I don't think it would have occurred to anyone, including Dad, to help himself to the main meal before it was dished and we all sat down to dinner. Well, if it did, it would have only done so once, I suspect!

DH, very much the same.

As to missing out on that Domestic Goddess moment? Well, yes! That time, when you've put in all the effort, finally got the kids down to bed, where you heave a sigh, pour a glass of wine, and sit down to some adult partner time, and hopefully (my lasagne can be a bit hit and miss) some mutual appreciation of a good meal that you've taken a lot of time and trouble over.

Our families are very food focused, it's not just fuel, it's something that binds us together.

And I'm sorry, I do not believe that someone was so starving, they couldn't wait half an hour, or find something other than the main component of the meal they know is imminently to be dished.

woodchuck99 · 25/10/2019 12:51

Also surprised at PP saying just let him eat as much as he wants and never mind the food budget.

You say "let him" as if you are the boss or parent! This is the husband not a child who doesn't contribute to the household. Obviously if there is an agreed family budget and he is going over that then there needs to be a discussion. However, this may involve agreeing on a higher budget and doing without other things depending on what is agreed. t isn't up to one person in a partnership to dictate on what the food budget is and to not "let" the other person eat as much as they want.

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 13:07

So, it's fine to go over this hypothetical agreed budget with all of the wine that people are suggesting to go along with this midweek meal but it's not fine for the man to have a fishfinger sandwich? Ok then.

My mil is like the op. Whenever we go for dinner we all have to sit and ooh and AHH over the food and gear how long it took to prepare, what the ingredients are etc and then we have to show due appreciation.

Why? It's good. Thank you for that, it was lovely is appreciation enough.

Same with the op. I hope when her DH cooks he dictates when she's allowed to eat and that she shows suitable appreciation for all the effort he put in.

It was a lasagne fgs. She was hardly slaving away all day to make it. I make it from scratch and the only "effort" is in making the white sauce which takes minutes.

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 13:09

If money is tight and your hubby scoffs all the food anyway, that's about his values/character. The same if he left all the lights on or bought something expensive and frivolous when you're contemplating the food bank. You don't use rules around food or other resources to try and stop your partner's shitty ways fucking up the family. You make "shitty ways" a dealbreaker and let him manage to not be shitty himself.

Tldr:

Let people show their true colours. Don't try and colour them in.