Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
Aunaturalmama · 25/10/2019 18:31

Let’s be real. Cooking isn’t slaving away.

I might be a tad annoyed but not enough to say something. If he’s hungry and the main course is finished I always let them eat it. I would start having dinner ready earlier honestly after a long day I’d be pretty hungry. Sounds like he needs to eat earlier than when you’re serving the meal.
I also try to have things finish at the same time! Not always working of course

HollowTalk · 25/10/2019 18:32

I'd be livid. I really can't articulate exactly why. Livid.

That's exactly how I'd feel!

Boysey45 · 25/10/2019 18:41

I wouldn't be bothered at all.

woodchuck99 · 25/10/2019 18:49

And yes, someone has to control the food in the house because that person is usually the one who has to go shopping for more when it runs out. So if the dh wanted to eat the fish fingers intended for tomorrow’s dinner as a late night snack, then he should be the one who goes out and replaces them with something else for dinner.

I'm sure plenty of households manage without one person controlling the food in the house. Sometimes I shop and cook and sometimes DH does it. Why does it need to be one person?!

seaweedandmarchingbands · 25/10/2019 18:50

Nobody controls food in our house.

wintersweet1977 · 25/10/2019 19:07

Having read through the posts, if you were putting your child to bed at the time he was helping himself it is a little rude, if not it's not really rude.

Personally I like the whole family to sit down together, we would've eaten earlier with the children eating the same food.

sovereign333 · 25/10/2019 19:10

Blimey if he knows the routine, that you get your dc to bed before you eat, then he's a greedy swine... He could have just had a couple of teaspoons to show his appreciation of your efforts but waited til you sat down together. Quality time to talk and eat, especially as you've spent at least an hour prepping this
Ask him what he's cooking tomorrow as you'll be home late maybe he'll get the gist

NoCauseRebel · 25/10/2019 19:21

So, people would be quite happy for a member of the household to start helping themselves to the roast joint while the cook was still cooking the potatoes/making the gravy/cooking the other veg?

Because that amounts to the same thing. Dinner wasn’t ready, only some of it was. So It wasn’t a case of he was hungry now and ate his dinner now it was a case of he was hungry and ate half of his dinner and then waited for the OP to put the baby to bed and then cook/prepare the other half for him.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 25/10/2019 19:23

Most people who would be alright with this have said they don’t believe it’s the same as cutting into the roast joint while the potatoes are still on the boil, NoCause. It might amount to the same thing to you, but it doesn’t for me. Lasagne would be a full meal for me.

B9ddy · 25/10/2019 19:25

Don't you like being married
You have cooked
He is hungry
What do you want
A fanfare as you present your work
Do you praise his work...

Jellyrunner · 25/10/2019 19:28

YANBU, I’m probably old fashioned but the way I see it is that whoever cooks a meal almost ‘ owns it’. I would never dream of just digging in and at the dinner table I still wait to be told ‘ please start’ by whoever the chef is before starting to eat. I see it as respectful and eating together is important in my view. It’s not just about the food.

NoCauseRebel · 25/10/2019 19:28

It is the same in the OP’s house though. Yes lasagne could be a full meal, but the OP made it clear she was adding to it.

And actually it’s not anywhere near “most people” at all given that 80% of the vote states that the OP is not being unreasonable.

woodchuck99 · 25/10/2019 19:29

So, people would be quite happy for a member of the household to start helping themselves to the roast joint while the cook was still cooking the potatoes/making the gravy/cooking the other veg?

It was lasagne which is a whole meal so not a good analogy. Most people would eat the lasagne on its own. Adding potato wedges to pasta is weird.

madcatladyforever · 25/10/2019 19:34

I'm amazed how angry we all are by this. It really seems to have hit a nerve.
I wonder if it's something to do with ignoring someones hard work cooking for hours and just digging in like it's a yoghurt from the fridge. I really don't know.

comingintomyown · 25/10/2019 19:39

I can imagine this

My XH used to come in late drunk and just stand forking the meal not bothering with any veg or reheating anything.

Similar thing utter lack of appreciation and in your case I would be gobsmacked if he didn’t even ask if he could help himself

Yanbu

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 19:46

Food to me is just fuel. Eat it when you want it. I don't see the need to turn it into a full on production.

mbosnz · 25/10/2019 19:48

I've got a rather accomplished chef in my family. I'm trying to imagine his face if someone in the family did this to a meal he was creating. None of us would dare! (Kitchens. BIG knives. Artistic temperament. . .)

comingintomyown · 25/10/2019 19:49

Even when someone else has put all the effort into cooking it? Different if it was a pick up from the chip shop

mbosnz · 25/10/2019 19:49

Food to me is just fuel.

That's the difference. It's so much more than fuel in our family. It's a focal point and a coming together. Even if we're eating in front of the telly.

woodchuck99 · 25/10/2019 20:05

I wonder if it's something to do with ignoring someones hard work cooking for hours and just digging in like it's a yoghurt from the fridge. I really don't know.

I wonder if it is something to do with the fact that some people can't cook and think a lasagne takes hours!

mbosnz · 25/10/2019 20:16

Nah, I think some people can't cook and think a lasagne doesn't take hours. . . Grin

meganxz · 25/10/2019 20:20

As a sahm who cooks basically a buffet every night for my husband (in our culture every dinner takes a good few hours lol) I have got used to him dipping into the side dishes if he's really hungry but he usually waits for me to finish putting everything out and for us to sit together to eat.. so I do understand where you are coming from.

To the other posters, regardless what you consider cooking, clearly for the OP lasagne is a effort worthy meal to cook so respect her opinion on that and it may be "slaving away in the kitchen" in her perspective if usually dinner is something much more "ready"

But if he's really starving,, maybe you should have left him some salad as an "appetiser" so it wouldn't have ruined his appetite when you were ready.

Just my two pence

Beaverdam · 25/10/2019 20:22

No youre being silly. He was hungry. I dont see what the issue is but you camt help how you feel.

Bozlem80 · 25/10/2019 20:47

Think yourself lucky your DH will eat what you’ve made! My DH won’t eat anything like that because of ‘fat in the meat’ I then have to make a veggie alternative, my kids are getting the same so much so I’m sometimes cooking 3-4 different meals a night!

FelicisNox · 25/10/2019 20:47

I'm a bit conflicted. It's not a question of one person being right and one wrong.

  1. lasagna from scratch takes no longer than 20 minutes to put together, 30 if you don't do it often so you're hardly "slaving". Perspective is key here.

  2. I do understand why you are upset at him eating without you... I'll give you that. But I understand why he's doing this.

  3. you're not addressing the actual issue: your husband is flat out starving when he gets in from work and you're making him wait like a child for his dinner for 45 minutes when he's probably been hungry for an hour or several before that, so yes, you ARE being controlling.

By all means feed DC early but then pop them in the high chair with toys and let your husband eat his dinner at a decent time.

You're a family, act like one.

Also, I wouldn't DREAM of dictating to my husband when he can eat his dinner. I'm not his mother.