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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
NoCauseRebel · 25/10/2019 13:29

I really do think the word “controlling” is overused on mn.

So it’s “controlling” to not have an unlimited amount of food in the house in order that a twenty stone man can eat as much as he wants, whenever he wants? Seriously? Where do you draw that line?

If the OP bought a loaf of bread and pack of ham and cheese for the week and he ate that all as his midnight snack leaving none for breakfast would that be ok? After all, not wanting him to show some manners by not eating as much as he wants when he wants with no regard for anyone else is controlling, apparently.

The OP said that the dinner was in the oven and would be ready (because she was doing accompaniments) in 45 minutes. So, because he apparently couldn’t wait and was so ravenous, he helped himself to his portion now. Let’s say he was more ravenous than that. Would it have been ok to have eaten all of it leaving none of it for the OP. After all, she wasn’t ready to eat when he was, so she missed out?

Oh and, if someone was drinking several bottles of wine a night bloody right I wouldn’t be buying it. In fact if the post was about how much the DH drank rather than how much he ate people would be suggesting he had an alcohol problem and to consider LTB as he needed to help himself. But because he over eats and weighs twenty stone the OP is controlling and posters are fat shaming for suggesting this is an issue. Hmm

ReanimatedSGB · 25/10/2019 13:31

Again FFS. This man has told the OP that he is aware he overeats, asked her to make various accommodations to mealtimes for his benefit, yet carries on stuffing his face whenever he wants and calling her 'controlling' for reminding him that he had planned to eat less.
Living with someone whose eating is disordered is an absolute PITA anyway (and his eating is definitely disordered because he overeats then complains and makes a fuss about having overeaten, announces plans to control himself then doesn't stick to them, etc). When it's a binge-eating type of problem rather than a self-starving type of problem, it has an impact on the family finances just as much as if it was gambling or drugs.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/10/2019 13:33

And I do remember a thread from another poster a while ago where the OP had made dinner, then one of the DC needed to be settled or something, and by the time she had dealt with the DC, the man had eaten all the food leaving her none.

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 13:46

the man had eaten all the food leaving her none.
And if my grandmother had wheels she'd be a bus.

What happened in another thread isn't relevant here - he didn't eat all of the food, he ate his share.

Maybe he didn't want wedges and salad so why does he have to wait because op has decided that's what dinner is going to be?

As long as he's leaving food for the rest of the family and is contributing to the food money why can't he eat what he wants?

ineedaholidaynow · 25/10/2019 14:02

Does that mean SAHP’s can’t have a say about food as they are not contributing to the food budget?

Also the DH ate the wedges and salad later so he did want them

53rdWay · 25/10/2019 14:17

It does make quite a big difference that the DH here has a problem with eating/food. It’s not simply “well why does he have to eat YOUR choice of meal on YOUR timetable OP?” He’s told her he has a problem with food, he’s asked her to do various things to help, then when she does those things (later dinner, extra wedges, all so he won’t get hungry later on) he calls her controlling for it.

It doesn’t mean he’s awful but it does suggest that he has quite a big problem here. And it’s not going to get fixed by the OP juggling meals timing. He needs to find ways to address it himself.

NoCauseRebel · 25/10/2019 14:31

Well he needs to start by not calling the OP controlling for wanting them to sit down together to eat dinner.

And quite aside from that, how do you teach a child decent table manners, i.e. eating together as a family,not helping yourself to the dinner while others are still doing other things, if their father has none of these things?

Or are these the families where the woman (and it’s usually the woman( spends the night in the kitchen cooking three or four different meals to suit everyone’s tastes and timescales, and where the kids start eating in their rooms as soon as they’re able?

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 14:31

Does that mean SAHP’s can’t have a say about food as they are not contributing to the food budget?

No, it means the posters going on about the op buying food, the op budgeting for food, the op cooking food as though the DH does nothing are wrong.

It's his food too. He can eat it if he wants.

mbosnz · 25/10/2019 14:40

It wasn't that she was saying he couldn't eat it - it was that he didn't wait to eat it. I do think the person that's gone to the trouble of making it, can expect that the beneficiaries of their efforts might manage to wait a whole 30-45 minutes as requested while they're putting the child to bed so they can enjoy the meal that she's cooked together in a half way civilised fashion.

woodchuck99 · 25/10/2019 15:05

So it’s “controlling” to not have an unlimited amount of food in the house in order that a twenty stone man can eat as much as he wants, whenever he wants? Seriously? Where do you draw that line?

It's controlling to decide that you are in charge of the food in the house in the first place. It doesn't really matter that he is twenty stone. If he wants to eat as and is an adult it is really up to him. I'm not talking about OP's situation as it seems they have an agreement on what/when he eats but in general it isn't up to one person in the partnership to "draw the line" as if they are in charge.

ineedaholidaynow · 25/10/2019 15:44

I assume if you are on a strict budget then yes you may need to be controlling if you have someone like the OP’s DH who is eating more than his fair share of the food in the house.

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 15:47

Has the op said they're on a tight budget?

ineedaholidaynow · 25/10/2019 15:51

But so many people are saying that an adult in any house can eat whatever they want and no-one else should be able to tell them what they can or cannot eat. I am just saying that if you are on a tight budget I assume this would not apply.

Zebraaa · 25/10/2019 15:51

Well regarding food, something similar with my partner. He doesn’t feel I eat healthily so when I’m with him I can only eat 3 main healthy meals, containing mostly veg (no meat) and no snacks, dessert etc. I’m a size 12-14 but I can understand he wants me to be more healthy.

woodchuck99 · 25/10/2019 16:31

But so many people are saying that an adult in any house can eat whatever they want and no-one else should be able to tell them what they can or cannot eat. I am just saying that if you are on a tight budget I assume this would not apply.

If you are on a tight budget then what should be spent on food etc should be discussed. Some people would prefer to spend more on food and less on other things and that is a valid choice. The amount spent on food shouldn't be dictated by one person in the partnership especially if you can afford wine.

DanceItOut · 25/10/2019 17:32

As a one off if he was genuinely starving after a more hectic than usual day then I wouldn't be bothered but if this is a common thing then no YANBU not at all. It's rude of him.

NoCauseRebel · 25/10/2019 18:03

But not eating the dinner before all of it is ready is just basic manners. Surely?

If e.g. someone cooks a roast and gets the meat out of the oven before the rest is ready i.e. the gravy and so on, do posters think it would be perfectly alright for someone else in the house to carve up the meat and tuck into it while the cook is still getting out the veg and doing the gravy etc?

Because this amounts to the same thing. The whole meal wasn’t ready. The dh helped himself to what he wanted and then still expected more later when the wedges and the salad were ready as well.

And yes, someone has to control the food in the house because that person is usually the one who has to go shopping for more when it runs out. So if the dh wanted to eat the fish fingers intended for tomorrow’s dinner as a late night snack, then he should be the one who goes out and replaces them with something else for dinner.

Oh, and he should be the one cleaning up the kitchen after.

I can’t believe that so many on this thread advocate such a lack in basic manners.

bigmumsymcgraw · 25/10/2019 18:06

Id have ripped his head off!!!!

Jellybubbamama0987 · 25/10/2019 18:09

You guys who are getting upset over this would hate my house lol. I do all the cooking and cleaning and childcare. I regularly cook 3 different meals to be served at the same time and blokey eats a snack while I’m cooking and still eats his tea. He is disabled and on the spectrum so he can’t help me out much so I’m responsible for everything. My 7 year old is a fussy eater and I refuse to give her food issues so I let her pick what she wants and she eats how much she wants too. Sounds like a mad house? Yeah it probably is but it works for my family. I wouldn’t get upset over my oh eating early, there’s bigger problems to worry about. He was hungry, he ate his tea, big deal. You’ll give yourself a coronary if things like this wind you up, chill out.

Pinkpeanut27 · 25/10/2019 18:11

I can see why you were annoyed , you’d made dinner and planned a nice meal once that baby was down and he spoilt it . Probably not rude but inconsiderate, I’d be annoyed as I would have been looking forward to a nice meal. Also lasagne is a flipping pain to cook it’s line 2 meals in 1 !

mbosnz · 25/10/2019 18:13

No, it sounds like you have got your house running the way you want it to, and need it too.

My DH isn't disabled and on the spectrum, so I'm not responsible for everything, and he's more than capable of waiting half an hour for his meal. If people want a snack, they get themselves a snack - they don't snarf half the main meal that is about to be served like a pig at a trough.

I won't get a coronary and don't need to chill out, because everyone in this household understands the basic concepts and expectations surrounding meals and manners - that work for this household.

Turquoise123 · 25/10/2019 18:14

Unpleasant all round and also very very childish

NoCauseRebel · 25/10/2019 18:22

@Jellybubbamama0987 but that is what works for your household.

And in the OP’s case, if all of the dinner had been ready then I could sort of see his argument for wanting to eat sooner rather than later. But it wasn’t. So he helped himself to half of it then and then waited for the OP to cook the other half. That is bloody rude.

My DP has this habit of starting his meal before everyone else’s has been served and it drives me up the wall. It’s one thing to do this if you’re all eating in front of the TV for instance, but if you’re all eating together at the table then it’s just basic manners to wait for everyone’s dinner to be served before starting to eat.

I didn’t bring my DC up that way, I brought them up to have basic table manners.

So now I will serve DP’s dinner last or wait to put the cutlery out. Two minutes isn’t going to kill him. And if that makes me controlling, then so be it.

raspberryk · 25/10/2019 18:24

Id be more pissed off at my dp eating snacks right before dinner.
Yabu for serving double carbs.
Yabu for not just saying ok let's get baby in bed asap and we can both eat.
Yanbu for thinking your dp was BU for starting without you.

Lovely13 · 25/10/2019 18:29

If a grown man can’t wait 45 minutes for his dinner, he needs to grow up. Fine if he’s a two year old, which sounds like he’s being.