Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
PickAChew · 24/10/2019 19:57

Plenty of people munch their way through a basket of bread, though, Stumped

woodchuck99 · 24/10/2019 19:59

I think this is why obesity is so high in this country. Why the hell can't people wait 30-45 mins to eat no matter how hungry they are if they have already eaten that same day?

Is there any evidence that the people who would prefer not to wait 45 minutes to eat if the food is ready are obese? It could be the other way around in general (although not in OP's DHs case obviously). I would prefer not to wait if I was really hungry and I wouldn't want to snack as that would spoil my appetite and I probably wouldn't eat the meal.

sanchezz · 24/10/2019 20:08

I have no words really, except to remark that, after all that, having a fish finger sandwich at 11pm is unusual. Also, who eats half a loaf with ham in one morning? I think the OP is trying to control his eating slightly, but in a helpful way.

FizzyGreenWater · 24/10/2019 22:21

In the words of Kiki of Delivery Service fame - 'fat! Fat, fat, FAT!'

NoCauseRebel · 24/10/2019 23:09

I think this is why obesity is so high in this country. Why the hell can't people wait 30-45 mins to eat no matter how hungry they are if they have already eaten that same day? imo it’s so high because if someone dares to mention someone else’s weight then it’s termed as “fat shaming.” But here’s the thing. Twenty stone is fat. If he’s comfortable with that then that’s his choice, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s fat

And eating lasagne while your partner is still dealing with cooking the dinner and then having fish finger sandwiches later that night is greed, not need.

Clearly he doesn’t need to eat that much given he’s twenty stone so clearly doesn’t have the world’s fastest metabolism. He may be hungry because he’s allowed himself to fall into the habit of pigging out whenever and wherever he chooses, but again, that’s his choice.

Personally while I wouldn’t take his food away I wouldn’t be facilitating his greed either. So no having all that food in the house for him to eat as and when. If he wants fish finger sandwiches at 10:00 at night then he can bloody well go out and buy his own fish fingers at 10:00 at night.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/10/2019 23:40

I can sort of see both sides, but my sympathies are more with OP. As a PP said, she might have come home hungry, too, but there was no dinner waiting for her: she had to look after DC and cook the meal, but the Man Of The House waltzes in and feeds himself rather than paying any attention to anyone else's needs or wishes. I can see how it gives OP the impression that he thinks she's his servant.

Inertia · 24/10/2019 23:50

I have to admit I'm astounded by the number of people of this thread who would do a full day's work, childcare run, cook a meal with baby/toddler in tow, sort out the toddler's bathtime and bedtime while half the meal finished cooking, and then smile indulgently at a husband who came in, sat on his arse and stuffed his face rather than offering to do any parenting or help cook.

Surely it's reasonable for the person who comes in second to clock that their partner is still cooking and actively parenting a baby, and ask what he/she can do to help?

Inertia · 24/10/2019 23:51

I'm also taken aback by the number of people who think dinner's ready when a third of it is still cooking!

ReanimatedSGB · 24/10/2019 23:53

The more updates I read, the more I want to slap the posters calling the OP precious and controlling.
This man is displaying disordered eating (you could call it plain old greed, but it is actually disordered by the sound of it) but is making it OP's responsibility to manage his disorder. Effectively, he is allocating her the role of Controlling Mummy who he will disobey, then blame her for allowing him to do so: he knows he eats more than he needs to eat; he proposes all these 'solutions' to stop him eating so much, then breaks all the rules he suggested, all of which inconvenience OP more than him anyway. She has to do all the cooking, she has to serve the meal at the time he requested - but then he will eat it earlier, blame her for that, eat something else, blame her for that... Are you having to economise on other things to indulge his greed, OP?

Sally2791 · 24/10/2019 23:57

He’s damn rude and of course he should just wait until the whole meal is ready. I wonder where he learnt his habits.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 25/10/2019 01:24

@ReanimatedSGB makes an excellent point.

Given the OP’s later updates, it seems like he’s finding a way to blame her for his own self- sabotage.

Whomei · 25/10/2019 01:56

He sounds like a greedy pig to be honest so I can see why you're annoyed. We both work full-time, do childcare pickup, then get 16 month old ready for bed- one of us does this while the other makes dinner, alternate most nights. We then sit down together when she's in bed, it could be 7.30/8 and we're both starving but wouldn't dream of eating while the other person is trying to sort out bedtime. Never mind if that same person had made the whole meal!

seaweedandmarchingbands · 25/10/2019 03:56

She has to do all the cooking, she has to serve the meal at the time he requested - but then he will eat it earlier, blame her for that, eat something else, blame her for that... Are you having to economise on other things to indulge his greed, OP?

It’s nice that you want to slap me, but no, she doesn’t do all the cooking.

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 07:47

Personally while I wouldn’t take his food away I wouldn’t be facilitating his greed either. So no having all that food in the house for him to eat as and when. If he wants fish finger sandwiches at 10:00 at night then he can bloody well go out and buy his own fish fingers at 10:00 at night.

I honestly can't believe people treat their grown up spouses like this

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 07:48

I have to admit I'm astounded by the number of people of this thread who would do a full day's work, childcare run, cook a meal with baby/toddler in tow, sort out the toddler's bathtime and bedtime while half the meal finished cooking, and then smile indulgently at a husband who came in, sat on his arse and stuffed his face rather than offering to do any parenting or help cook.

My house doesn't run like this. People who have this set up are stupid.

DappledThings · 25/10/2019 08:04

My house doesn't run like this. People who have this set up are stupid

But plenty of people are saying this is fine. Because he's just soooooo hungry and an adult should be able to eat whenever they want without thought to anyone else so OP should be fine with his behaviour

nearlynermal · 25/10/2019 08:20

Nobody who hasn't made a lasagna from scratch understands what a kerfuffle it is. He made you miss out on that domestic goddess moment that makes it all worthwhile, where you put the perfect finished product on the table.

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 08:28

I don't know anyone who doesn't make it from scratch!

I think it is fine that he ate the lasagne. I'm just saying that duties are more evenly distributed in my house so I'm never doing everything

woodchuck99 · 25/10/2019 08:35

I have to admit I'm astounded by the number of people of this thread who would do a full day's work, childcare run, cook a meal with baby/toddler in tow, sort out the toddler's bathtime and bedtime while half the meal finished cooking, and then smile indulgently at a husband who came in, sat on his arse and stuffed his face rather than offering to do any parenting or help cook.

Nobody has said that they would be happy with this and it's not even happening in OPs case. She said her DH does cook as well. I also don't see how eating the lasagne prevented him from not parenting as it happened when OP went out of the kitchen for a moment so probably only took him a couple of minutes. She hasn't said that him not helping is an issue. As for "finishing the meal", I'm not a low carber but even I think it weird to have potatoes with pasta. I see that she was doing it to fill him up but I still don't see why the wedges were part of the meal.

That said, I can see why OP was annoyed because they have agreed to eat at a certain time each day and considering that this was his idea annoying that he went against it. It's more the autocratic posters with their house rules who seem to think it outrageous that anyone would dare eat when they feel like it that are unreasonable.

woodchuck99 · 25/10/2019 08:37

Nobody who hasn't made a lasagna from scratch understands what a kerfuffle it is.

What is "from scratch"? Did OP make the pasta? If not, then I don't think it is a kerfuffle and I have made it quite frequently.

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 08:41

Oh I don't make my own lasagne sheets but I make my own tomato sauce for the mince and cheese sauce for the layers.

C8H10N4O2 · 25/10/2019 08:49

I'm with ReanimatedSGB.

He's a grown adult, not a growing child arriving hungry at 3.30pm. He mandated the meal time. She has done a full day's work, all the child responsibilities and taken the time to cook a decent meal for them both.

If he wanted to bring forward his chosen meal time he could have dealt with his baby or finished preparing the meal. Instead of which he leaves OP to do that and sticks his snout straight in the trough without a thought for her.

He's a pig using the OP to play food games.

roisinagusniamh · 25/10/2019 08:50

Very annoying and rude of him.
You made the lasagne , therefore, you get to say when it's to be served.
Also, I would advise you start eating with your baby as a family and not to serve him/her different meals.
Lasagne is perfectly suitable for a weaned baby.

sanchezz · 25/10/2019 09:21

What do people actually mean when they talk about making lasagne “from scratch?” How else can you make it? Or do you mean you make your own pasta sheets? What do you mean?

Pandainmyporridge · 25/10/2019 09:33

Sanchezz, I make lasagna by opening the freezer, taking it out, removing the cardboard wrapper, piercing the film three times and sticking the microwave on.