Mil and money

[Theanswertoitallis]

So I can't even believe I'm posting this as it's so ridiculous but need to check I'm not being UR.

I had a baby recently and obviously we are just finding our feet etc. Our dd has received a lot of presents and cash (especially from my side who are abroad). We don't really need the money (would be nice of course but we don't need it and we have all the baby bits) so it was mentioned by dh that we would set up a bank account for her and put the money in that. Just for background accounts have to be opened in a child and adult (guardians) name. Aunties and uncles etc all said great and that they'd send money directly to that (atm its a bit awkward with sending money from their country so they tend to send cash over when one person visits, don't ask 🤦🏻‍♀️). Mil heard of this plan and said she also wanted to open an account to put money into, tbh I couldn't why a separate one was needed. I said oh yes we are opening an account and mil became quite aggressive saying she wanted to be the named adult on the account. I dropped the subject as frankly it was a silly argument and I couldn't care less if mil wants to open another account. Seems pointless to me but whatever!

Last week I went into the bank and opened an isa and a savings account. The isa has a very good rate for kids and they can only have one of these accounts. When I got home mil was there visiting dd and heard my conversation with dh. She has now thrown a huff. She wanted to open that exact account for our daughter and as you are only allowed one of this isa she says we have been unfair. DH pointed out it was done now and I have already opened it. Mil then said it was only because 'she got there first as she had the birth certificate' (jabbing her finger towards me)! Well obviously as I gave birth to the child I have the birth certificate!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway she then made excuses to having plans and left. She has text dh since asking if we could change the ISA into her and dd name and if not then for the birth certificate so she can open another account. She is saying she wants to save monthly for dd. AIBU to think this is all ridiculous? Brilliant she wants to save for dd but I'm not sure why there has to be a different account. Like I've said if she wants to open one I don't mind just find it odd! But I do think she's UR to throw a huff that i opened the ISA for my own child (especially as it will get the most money so dd will benefit most from this way). AIBU? Apologies if this makes no sense 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Edited by MNHQ

I have a accounts for Dgd will give them when 18 21 whenever they need for car university whatever it may be she will maybe want to do that kind of thing not just put in giant pot .but mad to be in huff and to say you got in first of course you did you are the mum

What an absolute nut !!! Is she keen to save and then dip into it herself or is it her way of making herself important “like a mother” ?

That's ridiculous, why can't there just be one account that all the money goes into?
I really don't see the point in separate accounts. She sounds controlling

Just send her the details so she can put money in the exciting account. She sounds mad

Existing* oops

Very weird- She can open another account in her own name to save for DD if she’s bothered about keeping things separate.

When I opened my dc’s ISAs I picked accounts that couldn’t be withdrawn from until they hit 18. Does your MIL think you’ll be skimming the money and wants to keep an eye on it, or does she want to be able to do that herself?

What did you say when she jabbed her finger at you and said she got there first?

What a rude woman. After that I definitely wouldn’t be changing anything on the account. Leave it as it is. After all it’s for your child.

She wants control over the money she gives her grandchild. I don't think that's unreasonable but her attitude to you is very unreasonable. If I were her, I'd save into the account you opened and I'd trust you to do what's best for your child.

You're the mum, you do what you think is right. She sounds as mad as a box of frogs.
Maybe suggest if she wants to do something for DC, maybe she could get premium bonds or something?

Totally understandable for her to want her own savings account for a grandchild, rather than as you a family pot.

Nuts of her to demand that it's the exact account of her choice though.

On the other hand, I think you've made the wrong choice. An isa isn't the best place for a bunch of one off gifts. It's more for the sort of thing that your mom is doing.

@aprilanne I think that's what she does want tbh she kept saying how she wanted to save each month.

Dh sent her the bank details and she replied saying she wants her own account in her and dd name. We have a history that isn't great, she is very controlling, but since dd she has been pretty pleasant. This just seems like another power trip (as in she must have the isa not me)

Add you= add to

I suspect MIL wants the credit for the money she gives, in future. And that much is fair enough - when I give presents to relatives, I sign the gift tag. Wanting a separate a/c from other givers is the equivalent.

I can also see why she’d feel frustrated if she’d researched the best ISAs and then been pipped to the post.

Of course she’s being entirely unreasonable to blame you for this and demand you change plans.

We have one relative who buys premium bonds for the baby. Maybe look into that and other ideas and present her with some options?

@saraclara sorry if I've not been clear, the initial lump sum of gifts opened the isa then family plan on contributing to it every now and then (birthday, Easter etc) and dh and I will put money in each month too 😊

First of all your DH needs to address the behaviour of his mum towards his wife - how insulting and disgraceful of a grown woman!

Secondly tell her thank you for saving for our child - just make sure that all your money goes into your own account so you have control - bar shit crazy people have a habit of doing batshit things down the line! Perhaps tell all family and friends to make our cheques so you can pay them yourselves to your child

she is very controlling

Yeah, we got that.

Definite power trip going on here.

I really wouldn't be handing over the birth certificate - she'll end up keeping it.

@terriblecustomercervix love the username! 😂 dh said that we wouldn't be touching it and she then became more offended about that 🙄 saying she wasn't accusing us of stealing.

@iloveacurry I left the kitchen, I won't be spoken to like that or engage with her. She has a history of stuff like this so I just find it best to completely disengage and leave it to dh!

Yes I think she does want the credit, which is fine of course but the way she has gone about things is very silly and just smacks of her trying to play for power again which I'm not interested in entertaining.

I can see why she would want a separate account. My parents have child saver accounts for each of my 3 children. I don’t know how much is in them, but I know they save regularly. It will be nice for them and for my children when their grandparents get to gift them the money for a car or university or house deposit. They needed to borrow the birth certificates to open them.

But your MIL should certainly not throw a strop about not being able to open the ISA. I would say though that if she is likely to be saving more than you for your DD it would make financial sense to let her have the one with the better rate. Of course if you think that she is wanting to get her hands on the money for herself or is just being controlling that is a different matter.

@ WellGoshDarnIt yes I did think that but not sure if I'm over reacting. Dh hasn't lived at home for 10 years and is registered as living here for the electorate etc. We had issues a few months ago when getting a car loan and it transpired mil had put him down as still living at home :-/ 'for ease'

Anyone can get a birth certificate. Loads of people have John Lennon's! So she can open an account in joint names with DD if she wants. You don't need to facilitate it though. You can't control it so I'd put it out of your head until DD is older, and enjoy your time with your daughter. She's too young to be manipulated by money right now!

Trust your instincts!

Does she not trust you or not trust you with money perhaps?

If your DH had opened the account would she have been happier with that?

But yes, weird aggressive attitude.

Perhaps she wants to have the account for "her" money so she can get the praise/credit/whatever from the grandchild when the child gets access to the account, knowing the whole amount has come from her, rather than her contribution being lumped in with everything else. Wouldn't put it past my dad doing something for that kind of reason (not that he'd even think about giving money/opening account for my DC, he's tight as a cats arse, so at least your MIL wants to do something I suppose!!).

Okay. I'm about to become a grandma. I'd like a savings account for my grand child/children to be linked in my name, because in the end, when they get access to the money, it will clearly be my gift to them. I'd want them to know that.
Is it selfish? Maybe. But don't we all enjoy giving and having those gifts recognised?

I don't expect my grandchild at 18 (if I'm still around) to fall down on her knees in gratitude. But yes it's my money and my gift to someone who's likely to be my world. And I would like that bit of pleasure in giving it, and her knowing it's from me.

The idea that the grandma in the op is doing it so she can do her fingers in the pot is incredibly insulting. If anyone thought that was my motivation, I'd think they were sick.

If she wants to get a copy then let her knock herself out. I wouldn't give her the original one though.