Mil and money

[Theanswertoitallis]

So I can't even believe I'm posting this as it's so ridiculous but need to check I'm not being UR.

I had a baby recently and obviously we are just finding our feet etc. Our dd has received a lot of presents and cash (especially from my side who are abroad). We don't really need the money (would be nice of course but we don't need it and we have all the baby bits) so it was mentioned by dh that we would set up a bank account for her and put the money in that. Just for background accounts have to be opened in a child and adult (guardians) name. Aunties and uncles etc all said great and that they'd send money directly to that (atm its a bit awkward with sending money from their country so they tend to send cash over when one person visits, don't ask 🤦🏻‍♀️). Mil heard of this plan and said she also wanted to open an account to put money into, tbh I couldn't why a separate one was needed. I said oh yes we are opening an account and mil became quite aggressive saying she wanted to be the named adult on the account. I dropped the subject as frankly it was a silly argument and I couldn't care less if mil wants to open another account. Seems pointless to me but whatever!

Last week I went into the bank and opened an isa and a savings account. The isa has a very good rate for kids and they can only have one of these accounts. When I got home mil was there visiting dd and heard my conversation with dh. She has now thrown a huff. She wanted to open that exact account for our daughter and as you are only allowed one of this isa she says we have been unfair. DH pointed out it was done now and I have already opened it. Mil then said it was only because 'she got there first as she had the birth certificate' (jabbing her finger towards me)! Well obviously as I gave birth to the child I have the birth certificate!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway she then made excuses to having plans and left. She has text dh since asking if we could change the ISA into her and dd name and if not then for the birth certificate so she can open another account. She is saying she wants to save monthly for dd. AIBU to think this is all ridiculous? Brilliant she wants to save for dd but I'm not sure why there has to be a different account. Like I've said if she wants to open one I don't mind just find it odd! But I do think she's UR to throw a huff that i opened the ISA for my own child (especially as it will get the most money so dd will benefit most from this way). AIBU? Apologies if this makes no sense 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Edited by MNHQ

That's ridiculous. Ignore her and dont give her the birth certificate if she's on a power trip rather than trying to be nice. we have 2 bank accounts for DD which relatives are welcome to pay in to for occasions etc. PIL give DSS pocket money so give the same to DD in cash. As she's on 14 months and is most likely to try and eat it or throw it at the cat I pay it in to her account.

I think the focus should be on helping her find an account with the best benefits, as she can’t (and shouldn’t) be named on your DD’s ISA. Get your DH to google Martin Lewis advice or similar.

It’s reasonable for her to open an account for DD which only has money from her, and to take credit for and pride in that. It’s not reasonable to demand she has the child ISA over the child’s parents!

I’d advise killing her with kindness! ‘Thank you for your generosity MIL, this type of account has good rates and can be exclusively yours to give to DD. These are the documents you need to set it up? Can DH offer any help?”

She wants recognition and feels like her grand gesture has been ‘stolen’. She’s totally unreasonable but as you say, she’s controlling so any change to her plan will anger her.

I don't think the motivations are bad and would put it down to poor communication on her part. She has handled it terribly.

There is a pleasure in putting money aside and watching it grow, seeing how much it gets too and then giving it. Otherwise, the money would just be going into a hole each money, from her point of view, never to be seen again.

Oh FFS - As others have pointed out, only the parent or guardian can open a junior isa. Tell MIL she can open as many designated accounts as she likes though.

Its a power and control thing for sure. My DD has 3 sets of grandparents (owing to my DParents divorce and subsequent remarriages) and 2 sets have set up savings accounts for her which I am lead to believe a small regular amount is put in - none of my business really. The other set of DGP's tend to insist on giving us cash every time we visit every couple of months (Memorably we once found a bundle of £20's 'hidden' in DD's changing bag after a visit!) Any money like that or from other relatives for birthdays goes into the account that DH and I set up for her.

Of course you have the birth certificate, you know with you being the one that gave birth to the baby.

No issue at all with her wanting a separate account, can entirely see that.

Clearly batshit to want the ISA, of which there can only be one, and the rude behaviour obviously well out of line and needs stamping on.

My MIL also refused to put any of her money in the 'joint' savings account we'd made for our kids. She set up her own, which we have no details about, and persuades her side of the family to contribute to in lieu of birthday/Christmas presents. Her pettiness is a thing to behold!

Similar situation in that she and her side of the family live abroad. We barely see her or speak to her (the kids have not seen or heard from her for 13months currently), yet if you listened to her she's a doting GM. The only issue I do have with this set up (MIL keeping a separate account) is that rather than send a present to her DGC, she tells DH she's put some more money into her savings account. So the kids don't see any sort of present from her, there's nothing 'real' for them to hold and look at.

We have an account for our dd. My mum and dad just put money in it on occasions. If they wanted the credit they should just save in another account of their own and then when they hand it over say 'this is from me'. Why do they have to have an account set up with the child's name and birth certificate. Surely any old account will do?

@welshsoph oh without a doubt! Mil can't understand why I don't visit her with dd unless dh is with us... but she's openly rude and dismissive of me! Why on earth would I want to spend time with someone who regularly tries to demean me?

I would tell her that it is likely that the joint account will end up accumulating more money over the years than the one account she pays into and so it is only logical that this is the ISA with the best rate.

She needs to find another account or as previously suggested buy premium bonds. Let he have control of the account and forget all about it. If your daughter sees the money one day then that's a fab surprise for her. If MIL steals it back when she get her nose put out of joint then she is none the wiser.

My mum has set up two savings accounts for my son, a regular saver and a savings. She is the trustee for that, I had to send her a copy of the birth certificate and she told the bank I gave her permission. I then got a letter saying that she'd opened the account.

We also have a savings account in his name for money given by the family.

I like mum having an account for him, she'll gift it to him at 18 or whenever and he'll know it's all from her. My grandfather (mum's dad) did the same for us. But she's as involved in his life as she can be (there's quite a distance between us) and genuinely cares about him.

The carry on about opening the exact account she wanted is a bit much! I would say that it's been opened now and she'll have to find another one.

In the nicest way possible, I think you both need to give your heads a wobble!

My kids both have savings accounts that I opened. My mum also opened one with her as trustee for each child. She likes being able to see how much money she's saving for the kids and i think it's nice to be able to look at see something growing for their future.

It makes literally zero difference to me if it's saved in an account I'm trustee of or one that she is.

The first year of having a baby is hard- lots of different opinions about different things. Don't get bogged down with stuff that literally makes no difference to your life. You don't need to control who saves what for your kids. Just give her the birth certificate and tell her to open up an account. Let that be the end of it.

Bonkers. She's pissing all over your territory. Let DH deal and tell her a firm no.

It's not unreasonable for her to open her own account.
My Grandma gave me money when I was 21 she had been saving for me all my life. I knew she was doing it but it wasn't used as a means of control etc
I was very grateful and I know she paid for me to
do some travelling. It was her special gift to me.

@QueenEnid I can honestly say I don't care if she opens an account. I think it's a bit 🙄 if mil but I can also see pps points about wanting it to be clear it came from her. As I've said at the end of the day money is money to dd. My annoyance is at the demand for the ISA and the aggression towards me. I'm sick of everything being a power struggle with mil. I have my beautiful baby and I won't allow her to grow up in the middle of constant arguing.

Remind me of mine! At least u get to keep money - people have cards with money when my eldest was born and she kept them and to this day never gave money back! When I asked she said she hosted a party so will be keeping it for the expenses.

Pointing finger at u and saying she has birth certificate also reminds me of her! When my baby used to cry going to her she used to pit the st me saying “SHE keeps her all day that’s why it’s crying going to be” she always made me feel guilty for holding or feeding my baby. It sounds like your husband is on your side so ignore her. My husbands motto was “for an easy life let’s give her what she wants”

@Theanswertoitallis hiya! I work in a building society and the kids isa's can actually only be opened by parents/guardians so she couldn't open the isa anyway!
Yes she can open a normal kids savings account but not the isa 😊

I have a pretty good relationship with MIL but this reminds me of the "Big Bicycle Debacle" a few years back. DS birthday was looming (age about 5). Discussing presents as she wanted ideas. I gave her a few ideas and casually mention that we're buying DS a bicycle. Cue meltdown. SHE HAD to buy the bike. She had bought the first bike for ALL her other grandchildren and the bike was HERS to buy.

It was actually pretty funny. I told her that we'd made the decision and frankly, two days before his birthday (or whatever it was) we didn't want to be coming up with new ideas. If she'd told us in advance she wanted to buy him a bike, sure. But I'd chosen and PAID for the bloody bike already.

She sulked for days.

Sometimes people get irrational. No idea why. You have to ignore it.

i have a MIL like that. started a massie family drama when my first was born 7 years ago because i would follow every instruction on how to raise my son... i wanted to take advice and also learn myself. i find its best to keep them at arms length and as much as its a pain in the ass you have to be firm with them... my MIL wants what she wants when she wants it and then all the glory...

Mil then said it was only because 'she got there first as she had the birth certificate' (jabbing her finger towards me)! Well obviously as I gave birth to the child I have the birth certificate!!

You and DH need to shut this behaviour down NOW and make it clear you are the parents and you are to be respected.

Let her crack on with her own bank account, "If you'd like to set up your own bank account MIL you are free to do so, if you need any information, let me know and I can provide that for you". Don't go out of your way to facilitate unless she specifically asks. She wants a fuss.

@Theanswertoitallis I get that. I really really do. Both with my DM and MIL

I have 2 kids just 14m apart. We ended up having a massive massive falling out when my first was born as my mum can be very overbearing and thinks everything should be her way. The last straw was when she pushed me out of the way to push the pram. Didn't even ask! I was livid.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that the first year is a learning curve for all. You're learning how to be a parent and the parents are learning how to be grandparents. They've already learnt how to be a parent and will now have to trust that their children can do it and they need to take a step back and not be overbearing. That takes time. And patience and understanding on all sides.

MN would have you believe that you should go NC with 90% of your relatives who dare to have an opinion on what you do.

For us, it's meant putting down very firm boundaries with my mum. Including saying in no uncertain terms that thy are MY children , in this house it is MY decision. Don't you dare undermine me. And I call it out. Every. Single. Time. 3 years in it's a lot better. That will make her sound awful but the reality is she is a very generous and loving grandma. she looks after the kids 1 day a week for me and they love her. She does our ironing for us and would give us her last penny. She just likes her own way 😂. And she's had to learn that when it comes to my children that she needs to respect my rules.

I forgive a lot because a lot is generational and cultural. Put the baby down, don't make a rod for your own back, don't give a dummy blah blah blah. I'm not interested in any of that shit. Any opinion is only worth however much you paid for it.