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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and money

226 replies

Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:07

So I can't even believe I'm posting this as it's so ridiculous but need to check I'm not being UR.

I had a baby recently and obviously we are just finding our feet etc. Our dd has received a lot of presents and cash (especially from my side who are abroad). We don't really need the money (would be nice of course but we don't need it and we have all the baby bits) so it was mentioned by dh that we would set up a bank account for her and put the money in that. Just for background accounts have to be opened in a child and adult (guardians) name. Aunties and uncles etc all said great and that they'd send money directly to that (atm its a bit awkward with sending money from their country so they tend to send cash over when one person visits, don't ask 🤦🏻‍♀️). Mil heard of this plan and said she also wanted to open an account to put money into, tbh I couldn't why a separate one was needed. I said oh yes we are opening an account and mil became quite aggressive saying she wanted to be the named adult on the account. I dropped the subject as frankly it was a silly argument and I couldn't care less if mil wants to open another account. Seems pointless to me but whatever!

Last week I went into the bank and opened an isa and a savings account. The isa has a very good rate for kids and they can only have one of these accounts. When I got home mil was there visiting dd and heard my conversation with dh. She has now thrown a huff. She wanted to open that exact account for our daughter and as you are only allowed one of this isa she says we have been unfair. DH pointed out it was done now and I have already opened it. Mil then said it was only because 'she got there first as she had the birth certificate' (jabbing her finger towards me)! Well obviously as I gave birth to the child I have the birth certificate!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway she then made excuses to having plans and left. She has text dh since asking if we could change the ISA into her and dd name and if not then for the birth certificate so she can open another account. She is saying she wants to save monthly for dd. AIBU to think this is all ridiculous? Brilliant she wants to save for dd but I'm not sure why there has to be a different account. Like I've said if she wants to open one I don't mind just find it odd! But I do think she's UR to throw a huff that i opened the ISA for my own child (especially as it will get the most money so dd will benefit most from this way). AIBU? Apologies if this makes no sense 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2019 09:45

Do you mind saying which ISA it was OP? I’ve been looking around for one for baby DD and can’t decide what’s best.

Your MIL is batshit. No one gets to speak to you like that so you’re right not to see her unless DH is also there. Weird behaviour.

decbaby19 · 23/10/2019 09:46

She sounds truly awful. DD is yours and DH's child, not hers. If you want to open an ISA for her future then you should. MIL's wants and feelings should not come first.

Sounds very controlling, I bet she's been a JOY throughout your relationship! Wink

HidingInTheKitchen · 23/10/2019 09:47

Your Monster In Law is NUTS!! seriously - is she unhinged like this normally??

Don't even entertain any more words or thoughts on the subject. She can go open another account in her own name if she is that bothered.

ChilledBee · 23/10/2019 09:47

I would have agreed with you totally at one time and not understood where she's coming from but I have a dear friend who is a GM of a good few kids and she has shown me that sometimes, you can't rely on your kids to do the best by their kids. One of her kids spent her GD's accident compensation on bullshit stuff for her and the partner at the time. Including a new car for him. So I get why GPs might find it important to have a savings account that the parents cannot withdraw from at all for GC.

MrsFezziwig · 23/10/2019 09:48

Not unreasonable for her to open her own account for DD (it’s really only the same as putting a tag on a present saying that it came from the giver). All the other stuff, totally unreasonable of her and I’d think twice before handing over the original birth certificate.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/10/2019 09:49

I suspect MIL wants her name on it so that she's the only one who can withdraw from it and can hold it over your (and your child's) head later. As in 'I can let you have the money for the driving lessons but only if you....(insert conditions).'

onthecoins · 23/10/2019 09:52

I wouldn't trust her to have the birth certificate tbh.

ShippingNews · 23/10/2019 09:54

When my DD turned 18, my mother handed over a large amount of money which she'd been saving for DD all those years. It was a bit special, for her to give that lump sum to DD - it was enough to buy a car and get lessons , so DD was really happy about it . If Mum had been putting that money into a shared account , it wouldn't have had the same impact. In your shoes I'd let your MIL do her thing - it's not worth arguing about and it will give her pleasure.

bobsyourauntie · 23/10/2019 10:07

Your MIL is batshit, you are the parents and you should hold the ISA. The money is protected until the child is 18 so nobody can touch it anyway.

If MIL wants to open a savings account in her own name, then get your DH to go with her with the birth certificate, so that you don't just hand it over to her.

EssentialHummus · 23/10/2019 10:10

she replied saying she wants her own account in her and dd name.

"You're welcome to do that for any money that you want to save for DD (we don't expect anything of course, but it sounds like that's what you want to do for her) - details of how to order birth certs here [https://www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate]. As mentioned we've already set something up for money from us and other family. xx"

violetbunny · 23/10/2019 10:12

I don't think at all that she wants the credit. What she wants is the control. If she is the named adult on the account, then she gets to decide how and when it gets spent. She can use this to control you.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/10/2019 10:24

Obviously YANBU but "Throwing a Paddy" really? Do English people really use that phrase?

WildCherryBlossom · 23/10/2019 10:24

My PIL requested copies of my children's' birth certificates so that they could open accounts for them. I only found out a long time later by accident!

Mermaidtissues · 23/10/2019 10:25

Just let her open her own account, then your DD will receive the lump sum in the future from her Gran, if it goes into the account you hold it won’t be clear what MIL has contributed. It needs to be in DD’s mane otherwise will be part of your Mil estate upon death.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/10/2019 10:31

It was wrong for her to be rude to you. It is not wrong for her to have an account which she pays into that is separate to yours.

Drum2018 · 23/10/2019 10:32

I really wouldn't be handing over the birth certificate - she'll end up keeping it

You do realise anyone can order a birth Cert online for anyone. They are a public document.

Op a birth Cert will be needed to open an account with your child's name on it. It's nothing to do with who the parent is or the parent giving permission. It simply policy. It's a form of identification for the account holder. While I think your mil was totally unreasonable for throwing a strop over the ISA, I don't see a problem with her opening a separate account for your child with her name on it also. She can save what she likes and can choose when to give the money over to your child in the future. I understand why she wouldn't want to put it into an account where you and Dh have control, as for all she knows you could dip into it for emergencies - not that you'd plan to but who knows what will come up down the line.

Drum2018 · 23/10/2019 10:37

I don't think at all that she wants the credit. What she wants is the control. If she is the named adult on the account, then she gets to decide how and when it gets spent. She can use this to control you

How does this control the op? I'm sure op won't be waiting on the money to be released. Mil might well want control over the account, which is fine given she's the one putting the money into it. She can decide when to hand the money over or she can decide she has changed her mind and take the money herself and go on a cruise. Either way, it won't affect the op, her child or anyone else as I'm sure they will have the good sense not to rely on this money going forward. If mil does hand it over when the child is an adult then it will be a lovely gesture.

MindyStClaire · 23/10/2019 10:40

Obviously YANBU but "Throwing a Paddy" really? Do English people really use that phrase?

Yes, they do on here. I've reported the OP (MNHQ are getting better at deleting it and other similar charming phrases) - OP perhaps you might want to report yourself and ask MNHQ to edit your post so that it isn't deleted.

And obviously, YANBU. Let her open another account, with a reminder that of course you have the birth cert and have opened the ISA as you are the parent.

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 10:46

@MindystClaire where have I said thrown a paddy 😳 if I have I've not even been aware 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 23/10/2019 10:47

"Like I've said if she wants to open one I don't mind just find it odd! But I do think she's UR to throw a paddy that i opened the ISA for my own child (especially as it will get the most money so dd will benefit most from this way). "

Last Paragraph

MindyStClaire · 23/10/2019 10:47

In the last paragraph of your opening post.

Like I've said if she wants to open one I don't mind just find it odd! But I do think she's UR to throw a paddy that i opened the ISA for my own child (especially as it will get the most money so dd will benefit most from this way)

It's one thing not to realise a phrase is offensive. But quite another to clearly realise that but still use it...

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 10:49

My apologies I hadn't even noticed it! Or that it was offensive (I have googled since and apologise!)

I'm actually half Irish and have never heard of this 😳😳😳😳🙈🙈🙈🙈

OP posts:
MindyStClaire · 23/10/2019 10:50

Thanks for the apology OP. Flowers

AryaStarkWolf · 23/10/2019 10:51

@Theanswertoitallis No worries and thanks

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 10:52

Sorry to pps I am still here reading I'm just having a day of constant cuddles with dd as she's a bit clingy after jabs 😊😊 to the pp who asked it's a Halifax 4.5% ISA 😊

OP posts:
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