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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and money

226 replies

Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:07

So I can't even believe I'm posting this as it's so ridiculous but need to check I'm not being UR.

I had a baby recently and obviously we are just finding our feet etc. Our dd has received a lot of presents and cash (especially from my side who are abroad). We don't really need the money (would be nice of course but we don't need it and we have all the baby bits) so it was mentioned by dh that we would set up a bank account for her and put the money in that. Just for background accounts have to be opened in a child and adult (guardians) name. Aunties and uncles etc all said great and that they'd send money directly to that (atm its a bit awkward with sending money from their country so they tend to send cash over when one person visits, don't ask 🤦🏻‍♀️). Mil heard of this plan and said she also wanted to open an account to put money into, tbh I couldn't why a separate one was needed. I said oh yes we are opening an account and mil became quite aggressive saying she wanted to be the named adult on the account. I dropped the subject as frankly it was a silly argument and I couldn't care less if mil wants to open another account. Seems pointless to me but whatever!

Last week I went into the bank and opened an isa and a savings account. The isa has a very good rate for kids and they can only have one of these accounts. When I got home mil was there visiting dd and heard my conversation with dh. She has now thrown a huff. She wanted to open that exact account for our daughter and as you are only allowed one of this isa she says we have been unfair. DH pointed out it was done now and I have already opened it. Mil then said it was only because 'she got there first as she had the birth certificate' (jabbing her finger towards me)! Well obviously as I gave birth to the child I have the birth certificate!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway she then made excuses to having plans and left. She has text dh since asking if we could change the ISA into her and dd name and if not then for the birth certificate so she can open another account. She is saying she wants to save monthly for dd. AIBU to think this is all ridiculous? Brilliant she wants to save for dd but I'm not sure why there has to be a different account. Like I've said if she wants to open one I don't mind just find it odd! But I do think she's UR to throw a huff that i opened the ISA for my own child (especially as it will get the most money so dd will benefit most from this way). AIBU? Apologies if this makes no sense 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
Troels · 23/10/2019 08:35

Nutter.
She's trying to open an account for her GC and then will dangle it over your child when they are older, continuing her reign of control.
My GM had accounts for me and my sis. She put money in monthly and at 21 just handed them over, no one else had a clue they were there. I somehow doubt this will be you MIL, she wants the glory and the control.

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:35

@Notajogger she would have no reason not to trust us with money, both got good jobs etc money is thankfully not a major issue for us (not to brag we are extremely lucky!) and when dh said that it was dd account and we wouldn't be touching it she acted outraged that he had suggested that's what she thought.

I think people have hit the nail on the head that she wants the credit for the money when dd is older. She is very much about show with no real substance. She has very little to do with us but if you were to talk to her you'd think we are all very close and that she's very proud of us.

OP posts:
BBBear · 23/10/2019 08:37

My mum has accounts for my children - she saves regularly for them and they’ll have a few thousand when they are 18 - I think it’s fantastic of her to do that and it will great for the DC.

However, your MIL is nuts to demand that she have the ISA - she needs to just set up a different savings account.

Stand your ground and start as you mean to go regarding a demanding grandmother!

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:38

@saraclara I think because you are saving for the right reasons. Mil has become aggressive towards me because of all this, has been annoyed I've opened my own daughters account and we have a hugeee history! I assume you will be involved in your dgd life and be a good gm. Mil tries to take control at all points and thus has little contact with us.

OP posts:
chuttypicks · 23/10/2019 08:38

She's batshit. Tell her to set up premium bonds instead if she wants something in her name and DGD's name.

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:40

Also as I've said I have no issue at all with her opening another account. I find it slightly showy (not saying that it would be for everyone who does this but for mil yes as she is all about grand gestures but nothing day to day) but I cba to argue with her. Money is money for dd after all. It's the way it's been handled and the demanding that has got my back up.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 23/10/2019 08:41

Your further comments make it clear your MIL is not wanting to embark upon this in the way that my parents have.

saraclara · 23/10/2019 08:41

she wants the credit for the money when dd is older.

And why should she not? How many large anonymous gifts do the rest of you give?

Yes, I know that this MIL is being awful. But telling loving grandparents who save for their grandkids all their lives that they shouldn't get the pleasure of the recognition that 'granny paid for my uni tuition' or some such, is just nasty.

BoomyBooms · 23/10/2019 08:42

DH needs to tell her she can't treat you like that! And then secondly.... Just ask her why she wants her own? Maybe she plans to put loads of money into it and wants some security or credit for it. But a firm "we are her parents and we will take care of her finances until she is an adult" should be clear enough imo.

saraclara · 23/10/2019 08:42

Sorry, cross posted with you, op

MrKlaw · 23/10/2019 08:43

Its stupid that MIL wanted to open a child ISA in her joint name. Is she the parent? No. So its absolutely reasonable you open that.

Is it reasonable for her to want a separate savings account? Sure. She may want to make sure she knows how much is in it, and be able to control when to gift some - eg University - and make sure her GC knows its from her.

But it can just be a regular account. Don't even see why it needs to be a joint account.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/10/2019 08:44

Lots of grandparents have accounts in their name for their grandchildren which is fine. Demanding that you give up the ISA so she can have sole use is nuts. She can contribute to it with everyone else or she can set up her own different type of account.

There are really good deals on junior pensions I know but I guess she doesn't want to think THAT far ahead and I don't know how much taxed income she has

PompeyBez · 23/10/2019 08:45

Woah!! She is massively overstepping!! Even if she wanted to open the JISA she can't, it can only be done by the parent or guardian. She could open another type of account for your child, and a lot of kids general savings account pay higher interest than an ISA. My lovely nan had a post office account for each grandchild and presented it to each of us on our 18th. We all knew who it was from!

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:46

@saraclara I think you're missing the point. Of course I have no issue with mil getting the credit for the gift. My issue is the way things have happened and the fact that I know she is all about show. She will be desperate to tell people how she is doing this. For context, when dd was born she was in hospital poorly. Mil knew barely anything as she didn't ask or check on us but she posted on fb asking for prayers 🧐🤨

OP posts:
Busydrinkingcoffee1 · 23/10/2019 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

starfishmummy · 23/10/2019 08:47

YANBU this is all very weird. If she had hust quietly opened a savings account then thats one thing but she is making too much fuss about this for my liking.

My own mil has strange ideas about money. No account for ds as its "too hard to open" but had done accounts for her other son's children!! (One is the same age as ds so his account would have also been hard to open too).

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:48

@saraclara sorry I have now cross posted with you 🙈 apologies mil and dd makes me emotive (hence posting asking if I'm UR 😂)

OP posts:
NoSauce · 23/10/2019 08:50

I didn’t think GP could open bank accounts anymore? I thought only a parent could do that?

Am I wrong?

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:53

@Nosauce when I opened the ISA I had to say I was mum 😊 no idea for just bank accounts though. Maybe that's why mil wants the original birth certificate? To show she has permission??

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 23/10/2019 08:53

Put a line under it.
Get dh to give her the birth cert and let her get on with it. She was clearly over reacting but don't fuel it.
She wants simply to save and a significant gift to your daughter at a point she thinks appropriate.

NoSauce · 23/10/2019 08:54

I had this EXACT same thing happen! MIL wanted a birth certificate to open an account for DS, I outright refused as had set him up an ISA and everything goes into that

MIL could have obtained his birth certificate.

I think the rules must have changed regarding who can open an account for a child now. I thought only parents could open an account.

Bellringer · 23/10/2019 08:55

Fil used money to favouritise one gc over another, try to make them come to see him and on one occasion to influence their life choices.
Luckily they saw through it but t was hard to watch. Still trying to control everyone by threatening about his will. Better off without his money.

NoSauce · 23/10/2019 08:55

Ah ok OP I understand. Maybe it is the original someone needs. Anyhow your MIL sounds very overbearing!

Natesmymate · 23/10/2019 08:57

As someone mentioned she would not be able to set up an isa in her name and GC because she is not the guardian. Plus you cannot release the money until child is 18 yrs anyway so surely she knows that.
You can get 2 different junior isa's. An investment one that invests in stocks and share and a cash junior isa which is safe.
Your MIL is balmy trying to get you to let her have the isa in her name.
Tell her there are plenty of options on child's accounts out there that she could set up just a junior isa isn't one of them ☺️

Clangus00 · 23/10/2019 08:57

Let her get her own copy of the bc DO NOT give her the original you won’t get it back.
Let her open her own account but make damn sure to give everyone on DH’s side YOUR account details tell them not to use MIL’s one. That way in the future she can’t claim that all the money saved came from her when it didn’t.