Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and money

226 replies

Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:07

So I can't even believe I'm posting this as it's so ridiculous but need to check I'm not being UR.

I had a baby recently and obviously we are just finding our feet etc. Our dd has received a lot of presents and cash (especially from my side who are abroad). We don't really need the money (would be nice of course but we don't need it and we have all the baby bits) so it was mentioned by dh that we would set up a bank account for her and put the money in that. Just for background accounts have to be opened in a child and adult (guardians) name. Aunties and uncles etc all said great and that they'd send money directly to that (atm its a bit awkward with sending money from their country so they tend to send cash over when one person visits, don't ask 🤦🏻‍♀️). Mil heard of this plan and said she also wanted to open an account to put money into, tbh I couldn't why a separate one was needed. I said oh yes we are opening an account and mil became quite aggressive saying she wanted to be the named adult on the account. I dropped the subject as frankly it was a silly argument and I couldn't care less if mil wants to open another account. Seems pointless to me but whatever!

Last week I went into the bank and opened an isa and a savings account. The isa has a very good rate for kids and they can only have one of these accounts. When I got home mil was there visiting dd and heard my conversation with dh. She has now thrown a huff. She wanted to open that exact account for our daughter and as you are only allowed one of this isa she says we have been unfair. DH pointed out it was done now and I have already opened it. Mil then said it was only because 'she got there first as she had the birth certificate' (jabbing her finger towards me)! Well obviously as I gave birth to the child I have the birth certificate!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway she then made excuses to having plans and left. She has text dh since asking if we could change the ISA into her and dd name and if not then for the birth certificate so she can open another account. She is saying she wants to save monthly for dd. AIBU to think this is all ridiculous? Brilliant she wants to save for dd but I'm not sure why there has to be a different account. Like I've said if she wants to open one I don't mind just find it odd! But I do think she's UR to throw a huff that i opened the ISA for my own child (especially as it will get the most money so dd will benefit most from this way). AIBU? Apologies if this makes no sense 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
Cyclewidow46 · 23/10/2019 17:45

Forgot to say hope all is well on Friday x

Brunts12 · 23/10/2019 17:59

Only parents or a guardian with parental responsibility can open a Junior ISA for under 16s. So you can tell her that next time you see her, if she is questioning, refer to gov.uk
Leave her to open whichever account she wants for her grandchild and forget about it.

TheNavigator · 23/10/2019 18:10

As grandparents, it's OUR money that we could be spending on ourselves, but we're not.We'reking to our grandkids' futures. At least let us have the pleasure of watching OUR money grow in itsown account, and the pleasure of giving that teenager the gift.

No ones stopping you. Anyone can open a savings account, put as much as they want into it, and give away as much as they want, whenever they want, to whooever they want. The point is, the MIL is not content to do this, which is why she is being unreasonable and controlling.

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 18:18

@Cyclewidow46 wrong thread I think 😊

So dh has sent mil a photo of the birth certificate so she can open her own account in dd name. I'm not impressed with the way she spoke to me but tbh I cba arguing, the isa will be staying in mine and dd name. At the end of the day it's all money for dd to hopefully get her started in life. Although agree with pp that I do hope she saves it for something like a house 🤞

OP posts:
Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 18:22

Although we live in London and I doubt her savings will stretch that far even with interest 😂

OP posts:
theendofsummer · 23/10/2019 18:34

She is wanting control and credit for the contribution(s). If she won't contribute without conditions I would just leave it

Topseyt · 23/10/2019 18:41

The ISA has to stay in your name as only the parents/legal guardians can open those for the child.

Fair enough of your MIL to want to open her own general savings account for your DD. Her behaviour around this is not good though. She is being outright rude to you and needs to be sharply pulled up on it.

Almostalive · 23/10/2019 18:45

My nana wanted to open an account for my first child. I have her the birth certificate and left her to it. My sister refused and received 1,000 to start an account. When my nana passed away we found that there was more than 10,000 for my son that she had put away.
It was a bit of a shock but the fact she was in control and left to it obviously benefitted him in the long run. I have reinvested the money until he is old enough to start driving lessons. My second son, however, has nothing and we are feeling the pressure to match this eventually.

monkeymonkey2010 · 23/10/2019 19:06

So instead of standing up to MIL's batshit and disgusting agrressive attitude towards you - your husband just gave her what she wanted?
So he's proved to her that her bullying tactics will always work?

Good luck living a peaceful non argumentative life that involves MIL - she's just going to keep on as she is and pile on the pressure each time she wants her own way cos neither of you are strong enough to put her in her place.

Alsohuman · 23/10/2019 19:09

cos neither of you are strong enough to put her in her place.

Or they’re wise enough not to cut their noses off to spite their faces.

beckyvardy · 23/10/2019 19:16

You don't need a birth certificate to open a bank account?

I've opened one for my daughter and I did it online.

beckyvardy · 23/10/2019 19:17

In a bank totally separate to mine as mine don't do children's accounts.

I'm the guardian but it's in her name and it becomes available to her when she is 18. Or when I give her the details if she turns into a tearaway!

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 19:28

My dh and I spoke about it and decided how to proceed. We are very low on contact with mil anyway and this won't change. We decided obviously we have no issue with her having a bank account but we did have an issue to the way she spoke to me. So we will continue our low contact and limiting the time dd has with mil. After dd was born I was more open to increasing the amount we involve and see mil because it genuinely did seem like mil had learnt not to burn her bridges or be rude to me etc. After this incident I have realised she has not really changed at all and I won't have my daughter in that environment so we will not be increasing anything (unless years down the line by some miracle mil morphes into a new woman!)

OP posts:
monkeymonkey2010 · 23/10/2019 20:44

Or they’re wise enough not to cut their noses off to spite their faces

MIL has form for being a nasty, controlling twunt - so your analogy doesn't work in this context.

saraclara · 23/10/2019 21:13

@TheNavigator I was responding to the posters who were being snippy about grandparents wanting their money in a separate account from the parents' account for their child. I don't think that's being controlling as some people think. I reckon it's normal behaviour.

I've agreed already that the OP's MIL was being ridiculous about dictating WHICH account she should have.

Cherrysoup · 23/10/2019 21:38

I bet it did. however unco-operative they appeared to be, that was a pretty shitty thing to do.
You can be forgiven given that you were 16, I suppose. Buts surely now you see that that was a bad idea

So she should have carried on ignoring HMRC?! That’s not sensible. Why were her gps so ridiculously unreasonable?

Sunnyuplands · 23/10/2019 22:25

Op I get it, it's totally about control and she's not talking snout the bank account, jabbing the finger at you.. You got there first etc is just anger about you having her sons dc, probably you not being good enough for him, her child bearing days over etc.

It's ashame he backed down over birth certificate... There are so many accounts she could open for her gd including just saving in her own isa etc.

Btw op the Halifax 4.5 isn't an isa... That's one year saving...

Kungfupanda67 · 23/10/2019 22:30

Child ISAs can only be opened by a parent/guardian, they can’t have any old adult on them.

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 22:39

@Sunnyuplands sorry yes I'm getting myself confused 🤦🏻‍♀️ She has a monthly saver and an isa that we will transfer it into after the 12 months 😊

OP posts:
Dandelion1993 · 23/10/2019 22:53

Dh and I both agreed we would never give anyone either DDs Birth certificates for things like this for a few reasons

1 - she could easily make copies

2 - a baby doesn't need more than one account

3 - I don't like the idea that if we say no to having money from these accounts that they can just run to someone else.

Everyone is more than welcome to deposit money into them or we're happy to take cash to the bank.

vdbfamily · 23/10/2019 22:59

we save for our children and my parents have accounts for all their grandchildren. They want to be able to give them a sum of money when they turn 18. It is not the same as putting money into a pot that lots of others have put into so I think tabu even if she is overbearing.

Rock4please · 24/10/2019 08:02

I agree with previous posters that it is perfectly reasonable to want to have a separate pot of money to give DGC from Granny as a personal gift, but it's no excuse for rudeness. However, whatever your relationship with MIL - and it sounds very poor - for your child's sake, I would encourage her to accumulate a savings pot. It is nice that she wants to help her DGD financially and it may be a great help in buying a car, deposit on a first home etc

Going off at a slight tangent, I am shortly to be a new grandparent and want to save for my DGC. I am finding the posts a bit confusing. Can I open another account in the name of a GC if they already have one or would it have to be in my name, in which case would I have to pay tax on it and what would happen to the account if I were to die before I passed it over to DGC?

OldEvilOwl · 24/10/2019 09:03

Tell her to bugger off, she's way out of line. Cheeky cow

bananasandwicheseveryday · 24/10/2019 09:03

Oops! Posted too soon. Is had to sign the forms for a relative who wanted to gift premium bonds to dgs.

I guess there's nothing to stop you opening an account entirely in your name but, as you say, you would have to pay tax on the interest and I expect the balance would fall into your assets and be liable to inheritance tax upon your death, whereas an account opened in your grandchild's name would be their money and unlikely to attract tax.

As for the poster who appeared to suggest a 16 year old should have ignored hmrc because her controlling gps didn't want to share info to the tax people - I'm left speechless.

saraclara · 24/10/2019 09:11

@Cherrysoup and @bananasandwicheseveryday I did not say she should ignore HMRC. She went to the bank for the details she needed. There was no need to convert the account into her name in order to get them. The rift with her family would have been avoided if she'd mentioned that the bank had offered the conversion before she did it.