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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and money

226 replies

Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:07

So I can't even believe I'm posting this as it's so ridiculous but need to check I'm not being UR.

I had a baby recently and obviously we are just finding our feet etc. Our dd has received a lot of presents and cash (especially from my side who are abroad). We don't really need the money (would be nice of course but we don't need it and we have all the baby bits) so it was mentioned by dh that we would set up a bank account for her and put the money in that. Just for background accounts have to be opened in a child and adult (guardians) name. Aunties and uncles etc all said great and that they'd send money directly to that (atm its a bit awkward with sending money from their country so they tend to send cash over when one person visits, don't ask 🤦🏻‍♀️). Mil heard of this plan and said she also wanted to open an account to put money into, tbh I couldn't why a separate one was needed. I said oh yes we are opening an account and mil became quite aggressive saying she wanted to be the named adult on the account. I dropped the subject as frankly it was a silly argument and I couldn't care less if mil wants to open another account. Seems pointless to me but whatever!

Last week I went into the bank and opened an isa and a savings account. The isa has a very good rate for kids and they can only have one of these accounts. When I got home mil was there visiting dd and heard my conversation with dh. She has now thrown a huff. She wanted to open that exact account for our daughter and as you are only allowed one of this isa she says we have been unfair. DH pointed out it was done now and I have already opened it. Mil then said it was only because 'she got there first as she had the birth certificate' (jabbing her finger towards me)! Well obviously as I gave birth to the child I have the birth certificate!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway she then made excuses to having plans and left. She has text dh since asking if we could change the ISA into her and dd name and if not then for the birth certificate so she can open another account. She is saying she wants to save monthly for dd. AIBU to think this is all ridiculous? Brilliant she wants to save for dd but I'm not sure why there has to be a different account. Like I've said if she wants to open one I don't mind just find it odd! But I do think she's UR to throw a huff that i opened the ISA for my own child (especially as it will get the most money so dd will benefit most from this way). AIBU? Apologies if this makes no sense 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Edited by MNHQ

OP posts:

oneoffname · 23/10/2019 10:53

My DIL has an account for dgs who h is in her name as trustee for dgs. Birthday money, Christmas money from the whole family will be paid in to that account. I have a standing order for a small monthly sum - pocket money if you like - to be paid in. When dgs is old enough to use the money, he will know that it is money from his whole family. As far as I am concerned, adding my small monthly contribution to everybody else's is more beneficial as it will attract more interest than several smaller balances in different accounts would.
FWIW, my mum wanted to give dgs premium bonds, but still needed one of his parents to actually sign the forms.

theemmadilemma · 23/10/2019 10:57

She wants to control how and when it's given to DC. And I'm guessing also wants it very clear how much is from her.

SunshineAngel · 23/10/2019 11:06

She sounds like an odd one.

If she wants to save for your daughter in an account and then maybe give it to her when she reaches a certain age, that's up to her. To be honest, I'd leave her to get on with it.

AuchAyeTheNo · 23/10/2019 11:13

OP stand your ground on this.

I have a ‘controlling’ MIL too. By all means let her open an account for your dd but there is no reason in the world for her to have it in joint names or for her to have the birth certificate.

saraclara · 23/10/2019 11:32

She wants to control how and when it's given to DC. And I'm guessing also wants it very clear how much is from her.

And why wouldn't she? It's her money, and her gift.
Anyone who gives anyone a gift has control over what they give and when they give it don't they?

TheSerenDipitY · 23/10/2019 11:46

not sure about the rest of it, but next time MIL calls you "she" or "her" dryly reply as you walk out that "You should remember that "she" is the gatekeeper to the grandchild and that gate can close at any time "she" chooses"

Bellringer · 23/10/2019 11:47

Do you think it's a good idea for 18 year olds to have a great chunk of money? I don't. I'd rather save it and give at my discretion for specific purpose. Perhaps that's me being controlling.

Drum2018 · 23/10/2019 11:52

@Bellringer I agree. While my 18 year old is fairly sensible with the bit of cash he has, I'd prefer him to get a lump sum when he's at a stage of actually settling into a career, looking for a house or getting a car he actually needs, instead of frittering it away on nights out in college

Littlemissdaredevil · 23/10/2019 12:59

Parents opening a savings account for their DD = a nice thing to do

MIL wanting to open a savings account for her DGC = A nice thing to do

MIL wanting to open a savings account for her DGC (and for no one else including the parents to have a savings account for DD) so that everyone’s money not only her money is paid into it so she can’t present it as her gift in 18 years time = batshit!

KentuckyBourbonWhiskey · 23/10/2019 15:52

See, my mum and her DP are a pain in the bum in the opposite way. My DC have S&S JISAs but the deposits can only come from the parent’s bank account. This seems to be unacceptable and unbelieved. Apparently they asked for the details two years ago and I have refused to give them details which has left them disappointed and unable to save for their DGC.

I have suggested that they pay me the money and I pay it in (happy to send screenshots) and I have suggested that they set up their own side account and save into that, handing it over to DC as a gift when the time comes. But they won’t do it. I even suggested putting the money in a bloody biscuit tin and then gifting it to the DC in the end.

They won’t do those things, but they won’t accept that the JISA won’t accept standing orders from their account! Aargh

Alsohuman · 23/10/2019 16:15

She wants to control how and when it's given to DC. And I'm guessing also wants it very clear how much is from her.

Of course she does, what’s wrong with that? The whole savings account is a red herring. The issue here is her treatment of her dil.

SilverySurfer · 23/10/2019 16:40

Well she's obviously batshit bonkers. The thing is she probably looks on you as a womb, OP. Now you've given birth you can go back in your box. How dare you start an ISA for your own child!

Seriously, let your DH deal with her, you concentrate on you and your new baby.

Sotiredbutcannotsleep · 23/10/2019 16:48

I write the name of the relative/family friend who has given the cash gift and the reason next to the amount when I transfer cash gifts to my kids account and I let the gifter know this so they know there's permanent record of it. Sometimes I will send a screenshot of it as well. So e.g. 'AUNTY A/BDAY' etc.

messolini9 · 23/10/2019 16:51

DH pointed out it was done now and I have already opened it. Mil then said it was only because 'she got there first as she had the birth certificate'

Oh dear.
Is this the thin end of a super-competitive wedge with you, OP?
Batshit to expect you not to be 'allowed' to open an ISA for your own baby.

LittleOwl153 · 23/10/2019 16:57

For those who are grandparents with accounts, or parents of dc whose parents have accounts for them please do be aware that when your dc earns their own money they could receive a tax return and if any of these accounts have the dcs name on them they HAVE TO BY LAW be included.

I had a major falling out with my grandparents and subsequentally my dad aged 16 when I got a request from HMRC to inform them of all income including from savings (I'd done some temp work which hadn't reported to hmrc satisfactorily!) I knew gp had an account as we had been made to sign the tax free interest forms a few years earlier. I asked for the details to complete the form - I was told it was nothing to do with me and to leave it off. Phoned hmrc to check and they said no it has to be included else I as a 16yr old would be committing an offence. Asked my dad to get details - he said I was being stupid and to just ignore the form and stop being disrespectful!

In the end I had to approach their bank, ID myself and request the details. At which point the bank transferred the account into my name as I was old enough without any reference to my GP except a letter telling them they had done it. It caused alot of bad feeling for a very long time.

Beautiful3 · 23/10/2019 17:05

Whole thing sounds werid and controlling if I'm honest! I would ignore her regarding this situation if you help her open a separate account then she may encourage other members to contribute to her account, instead of your Isa?!

saraclara · 23/10/2019 17:08

It caused alot of bad feeling for a very long time.

I bet it did. however unco-operative they appeared to be, that was a pretty shitty thing to do.
You can be forgiven given that you were 16, I suppose. Buts surely now you see that that was a bad idea?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 23/10/2019 17:09

I would guess she wants to put it in a separate account so she can hand it over when shes 18 or whatever and say 'this is from me', which imo is kind of understandable, though she is going about it in a very odd way

firstimemamma · 23/10/2019 17:12

If she wants to give her grandchild money she could always just send money to your account or your child's account. Alternatively she could give you cash. Instead she is throwing a strop because she hasn't got her exact way. She sounds childish and manipulative. Yanbu.

Belfield · 23/10/2019 17:14

I've give her the birth cert to open her own account if that is what she wants. She has said by text either change your one or give her cert to open another account. If she wants to save for your child let her off. She is obviously mega controlling.

AcrobaticCardigan · 23/10/2019 17:18

I can see why she wants to open her own account to keep her gift separate - this is not UR, but the way she spoke you about you opening an account for your own child was awful and can see why you are upset!

lpchill · 23/10/2019 17:21

My MIL is the same unfortunately. She wanted to set up premium bonds even though we have an account for paying in birthday/Xmas money and we pay child benifit into as we are in need of it atm. It's easier to just let them get on with it at least our child will have the money we give her and the agreement with MIL is that she gets a smaller present and puts money away. I am treading very carefully as MIL has a history of over promising and generally crazy anyway so I don't expect my child to ever see the money but as soon as MIL tries to guilt my child I will be stepping in and putting an end to it.

minesagin37 · 23/10/2019 17:29

Just say 'when you're calm we can discuss it but if you remain angry then I don't want you around dd'

saraclara · 23/10/2019 17:35

even though we have an account for paying in birthday/Xmas money and we pay child benifit into as we are in need of it atm.

Some parents here just aren't getting it. She doesn't want to give the money to you. She wants to save for the child and then give the total to them.

As grandparents, it's OUR money that we could be spending on ourselves, but we're not.We're looking to our grandkids' futures. At least let us have the pleasure of watching OUR money grow in itsown account, and the pleasure of giving that teenager the gift.

saraclara · 23/10/2019 17:35

We'reking = we're looking

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