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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and money

226 replies

Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:07

So I can't even believe I'm posting this as it's so ridiculous but need to check I'm not being UR.

I had a baby recently and obviously we are just finding our feet etc. Our dd has received a lot of presents and cash (especially from my side who are abroad). We don't really need the money (would be nice of course but we don't need it and we have all the baby bits) so it was mentioned by dh that we would set up a bank account for her and put the money in that. Just for background accounts have to be opened in a child and adult (guardians) name. Aunties and uncles etc all said great and that they'd send money directly to that (atm its a bit awkward with sending money from their country so they tend to send cash over when one person visits, don't ask 🤦🏻‍♀️). Mil heard of this plan and said she also wanted to open an account to put money into, tbh I couldn't why a separate one was needed. I said oh yes we are opening an account and mil became quite aggressive saying she wanted to be the named adult on the account. I dropped the subject as frankly it was a silly argument and I couldn't care less if mil wants to open another account. Seems pointless to me but whatever!

Last week I went into the bank and opened an isa and a savings account. The isa has a very good rate for kids and they can only have one of these accounts. When I got home mil was there visiting dd and heard my conversation with dh. She has now thrown a huff. She wanted to open that exact account for our daughter and as you are only allowed one of this isa she says we have been unfair. DH pointed out it was done now and I have already opened it. Mil then said it was only because 'she got there first as she had the birth certificate' (jabbing her finger towards me)! Well obviously as I gave birth to the child I have the birth certificate!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway she then made excuses to having plans and left. She has text dh since asking if we could change the ISA into her and dd name and if not then for the birth certificate so she can open another account. She is saying she wants to save monthly for dd. AIBU to think this is all ridiculous? Brilliant she wants to save for dd but I'm not sure why there has to be a different account. Like I've said if she wants to open one I don't mind just find it odd! But I do think she's UR to throw a huff that i opened the ISA for my own child (especially as it will get the most money so dd will benefit most from this way). AIBU? Apologies if this makes no sense 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
Motoko · 24/10/2019 22:17

It's OP's side of the family who are abroad.

Merryweather80 · 24/10/2019 22:28

Why can’t she open her own ISA in her name and specifically keep it for her dgd and gift it when she wants. She can have the ISA sub headed with the child’s name so that in the event of her death with no will, family know who it’s for. Or, if she has a will, state in it that ISA xyz is for dgd.
She absolutely has no right to throw a tantrum though nor to speak to you and treat you like that. I’m surprised you visit at all!

I’m massively impressed you had the time and energy with a young baby to open accounts for her. I know that was the last thing on my mind. Xx

ActualHornist · 24/10/2019 22:51

Maybe she already has an ISA? Maybe she is also saving for herself?

Louise2019 · 24/10/2019 23:00

I haven’t RTFT but MIL opening a bank account for your DD is a complete non-issue if you’re in England as she won’t be able to. I’ve recently had a very similar situation. The regulations changed in August 2018 so that only a parent/guardian can be the named person on a child’s bank account.

Perunatop · 24/10/2019 23:05

If a child's account needs an adult signatory then it should always be a parents. Ignore your MIL's histrionics. I doubt if a bank would even accept her as as responsible adult.

saraclara · 24/10/2019 23:20

If a child's account needs an adult signatory then it should always be a parents.
Why?

I doubt if a bank would even accept her as as responsible adult.
Why?

Louise2019 · 24/10/2019 23:40

@saraclara

“I doubt if a bank would even accept her as as responsible adult.
Why?“

Because the T’s and C’s of opening a bank account on behalf of a child state that it must be the parent or legal guardian of that child (or in some instances a person who is not the parent/guardian CAN open an account but ONLY with the P/G permission) Therefore MIL would not be considered to have “responsibility” in this instance.

urkidding · 25/10/2019 07:15

You can open another account in the child's name which is not an ISA. I assume she wants to save for the child and see what she is saving. Also a certain amount of interest is tax free anyway. It doesn't matter. Open an account and let her put money into it and let her see the statement. Your child benefits and she is happy.

lboogy · 25/10/2019 07:29

She sounds insane.

Haven't read the full thread- If she pays into an ISA there's no way a parent can access the money. Only a child once they reach 16 years of age and they can see where the deposits have come from of MIL wants to be acknowledged for the money.

Or she can open a premium bonds account.

saraclara · 25/10/2019 07:56

@Louise2019 that only applies to an ISA. A grandparent can open any other account for their grandchild.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/10/2019 08:07

Tell her to open a trust fund for her.
Onefamily do a good one.
I saved for my DD with them and when DD was 18 it had doubled in value.

Louise2019 · 25/10/2019 08:25

@saraclara It’s only with the P/G permission for any child account not just ISA’s. A quick google search confirms this.

aweedropofsancerre · 25/10/2019 08:26

The whole thing is just another attempt to control. Any normal MiLwould happily pay into and already opened ISA for there grandchild. Not flip out that they wanted to do it first and be in control of it. You DH is an arse running off to give her the birth certificate. If your not together in how you deal with her it will just get worse

WillowPuppy · 25/10/2019 08:45

Both sets of grandparents set up there own accounts for my children, with our co-operation- I have no idea how much they pay in, it will be their gift to the children at a time of their choice. And is the best, most tax efficient way for them. (No idea if the rules have recently changed about this though, wouldn't have thought so as grandparents can also do premium bonds etc.)
The issue for me is how she is making the 'request' & how she spoke to you, not about what she actually wants to do

cannockcandy · 25/10/2019 11:56

I had exactly the same situation with my mil, told her she wasnt getting her hands on ds birth certificate and if she wanted to open a savings account for him herself then crack on or she could, you know, pay into the one I set up! She refused to to this.
Tbh once me and her son split I was more than happy with this arrangement.

SuckerForYou · 25/10/2019 13:11

I think she just wants the recognition that the money was saved by her. Why she has made a big fuss over that particular account, I don't know! Maybe it's because she knows the interest rate is good and she wants to save more money than you like it's a competition? Her behaviour towards you was pretty atrocious. If your DH hasn't addressed it with her already, he really should! I'd be livid!

Susan1961 · 25/10/2019 13:54

Yes sounds like she wants full control.

Cocoschaos · 25/10/2019 20:53

She sounds completely bonkers tbh, and I'd tell her she can open a different account if she wants, but no way would I give her any control over the one you opened. This is your child, and your husband quite frankly ought to tell her enough is enough and to back off.

cherish123 · 25/10/2019 21:21

She's nuts. If she wants to save for DD, she could open an account in her own name and put a designation on it - (eg) your dd's initials. So if she was Mary Smith and you DD was Lucy Anne Smith, the account could be "Mary Smith [LAS]".

LittleOwl153 · 26/10/2019 11:29

@saraclara @Motoko

I've only just seen this as the earlier posts didnt flag to me - so I thought I would respond.

It was a horrible situation - hence my writing about it to warn folks and hopefully avoid similar happening to others.

I had the form from HMRC with a penalty attached if I did not complete it. I rang them to ask about this account my GP held as I did not know what the situation was. They told me that unless it was held in a specific type of trust - which they could not advise about and I needed to speak to the bank - that it was required to be declared. I approached the bank with the "I have this form - I know there is an account - can you give me the info I need to complete it". I did not request the transfer - but once I had identified myself as I had to do to get the information there was no option given my age.

I spent over a month asking for this info, from my grandparents and my dad I was essentially ignored and told to stop causing a fuss over something that was none of my business.

I told them exactly what I was going to do each step of the way - that I was going to phone HMRC 'well you do that then - they cant prove anything',
That they had advised I contact the bank directly 'well you do that - there is nothing in your name so they can't tell you anything'.
I told them what the bank had said/done and asked what they wanted me to do with it now. 'They had no right to do that'.

It could all have been very diffierent if they had simply provided the details required - I needed the interest/tax amount in the 12 month period - not the account balance or any other detail.

I'm glad that folks cannot open accounts for babies/children without their parents consent now as hopefully this will help - though it would have not prevented this siutation as my dad knew all about it.

For what it is worth my mum has accounts in my kids names which I have no issue with. I was present when she opened them so I am aware which bank etc should I / the kids need the info. I would not however allow my dad to do the same as clearly we could have had similar problems - not that he has asked. (parents separated long before this issue arrose - and I didnt have a great relationship with my dad - still dont really. GP's are all long gone)

Keepitjuicyjuicy · 26/10/2019 11:37

Nobody that is truly altruistic gives a gift for recognition. You either give, or you don't. Wanting the grandchildren to know it's from you won't affect what they do with the money. It's like the people who have children to ensure they are cared for as when they are older. You should expect nothing in return for your choice to give.

Rainbow · 27/10/2019 08:44

I really wouldn't be handing over the birth certificate - she'll end up keeping it.

Exactly what happened with my SIL. MIL also tried to register her DGS because she didnt approve of the names BIL and SIL had decided on. She is a super control freak.

Motoko · 27/10/2019 11:24

MIL also tried to register her DGS because she didnt approve of the names BIL and SIL had decided on. She is a super control freak.

I'd loved to have been a fly on the wall at the register office when they told her that she couldn't do that! Bet she didn't take the news well.

Merryhobnobs · 27/10/2019 11:33

When we had our DD we went to open an ISA for her - only to be told that there was one in her name and as only a parent or legal guardian should open an ISA and each person can only have one. We were worried about it and the bank said that they would have to investigate for fraud when my sil realised it was her. She had been trying to open an online account for her to give money to niece but had accidentally opened an ISA instead. It all got sorted and we have an ISA. Money goes in and it can't be touched until DD is 18. And the people who put Money in will be recognised as for example the ref my Dad uses is 'papahobnobs'. I think another type of account can be opened and your MIL can do that but the ISA has to be with parents.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/10/2019 12:05

When she messaged your DH the answer should have been ..no sorry its done now.End of conversation.Silly woman is getting beyond herself and needs to be put back in her box quickly.She is quite unhinged making so much fuss....