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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go and pick up daughter

318 replies

Twix42 · 22/10/2019 17:39

DD age 13 is at a friend's house. Has been with her all day. She just messaged me to ask if I could come and pick her up. Friend lives roughly 1 mile away, if that. It's not raining or dark outside and it's a safe route home. I told her to walk back home herself she'salazyarse
Needless to say her friend's parent will probably bring her home anyway as they are a soft touch and will feel sorry for her.
It's really not that far away, but aibu to not go and collect her?
Btw I am not expecting said friend's parent to bring her home, they just do it....

OP posts:

CarolDanvers · 22/10/2019 18:44

Tell her you're not picking her up, and that if she cadges or accepts a lift of her friend's mother she's in deep, deep trouble.

Dear me. That gave me quite the flashback. My Mum was like that. I was terrified of my Mum sadly.

Aaarrgghhh · 22/10/2019 18:46

Posters are being silly saying she will be in trouble if she accepts a lift. I think it’s fine to expect her to walk home, she isn’t a young child and can manage on her own. However, if she is offered a lift then she can accept if she wants to, I wouldn’t always turn down a lift so I don’t see why kids should be different.

CarolDanvers · 22/10/2019 18:48

And people wonder why our young people are having such problems with their mental health! We do them no favours by doing everything for them ... have we not cottoned on to this simple fact yet?

Well I have dreadful mental health - panic disorder as does my sister. My parents never did any favours for us and we wouldn't have dared ask, we knew they'd be angry we'd even asked so we didn't and never went to them for anything so...🤷‍♀️

TequilaPilates · 22/10/2019 18:50

quite agree with you, we would be offering endless ‘taxi’ services to young teens from parties, many of whom seemed to have no clue as to how they were meant to be getting home.

Yep, us too. No way could I watch one of my DDS friends making her own way home at 3 or 4 am on their own, which is what the parents told them to do.

Bluerussian · 22/10/2019 18:51

Turn the kettle off, fetch your daughter home and then make some tea.

cdtaylornats · 22/10/2019 18:51

Can I leave my 5 year old in bed in the house alone for 5 minutes? No anything can happen - never leave them alone.

Should I let my 13 year old walk a mile home on her own? Yes what could happen.

73Sunglasslover · 22/10/2019 18:51

I'd expect her to walk. I expect my 12 year old to walk. How do they get independence otherwise? I get frustrated when other parents offer lifts as it's not that I can't pick her up, it's that we are choosing to support her to develop into an adult.

pooopypants · 22/10/2019 18:52

Are some schools on half term already? (I know it's not the point of the thread)

CarolDanvers · 22/10/2019 18:53

it's that we are choosing to support her to develop into an adult

I hope you'd turn down an offered lift as it's the "adult" thing to do.

Oysterbabe · 22/10/2019 18:56

I hope you'd turn down an offered lift as it's the "adult" thing to do.

If it was a mile I absolutely would. That's no distance at all.

MerryDeath · 22/10/2019 19:00

if i didn't i'd text the friend's parents and say don't bring her back she's just being lazy! i can't decide if i would or i wouldn't i imagine it would depend on the mood of the day.

rainingallday · 22/10/2019 19:01

@Ragwort

Yes I probably would pick up my child, I would hate to think the other parent might feel obliged to bring her home, agree it’s nearly dark, its quite cold and it’s just a kind thing to do .... maybe another time make it clear that she must be home much earlier, before it is getting dark.

rain, quite agree with you, we would be offering endless ‘taxi’ services to young teens from parties, many of whom seemed to have no clue as to how they were meant to be getting home.

Thank you. You can certainly tell the type of people on here who are CFs from the ones who are used, and shit-on, by this type of entitled parent.

@Twix42

rainingallday

you are absolutely hilarious .. Said dd has been home for ages now. She was a little chilly after the walk home, not in the dark or rain. She benefitted from the exercise, and is now sitting to a wonderful homemade home cooked dinner!

Her friend's parents did not bring her home this time.. Maybe they couldnt be arsed! I ain't no CF, I Love that you presume so much about me.

Nice defensive post... 'She's home now, she didn't walk in the dark or the rain, the other parents did not bring her, and she is sitting in front of a WONDERFUL homemade dinner.'

PMSL. Of COURSE! Someone who couldn't be arsed to get their own child from their mate's house, (and generally expects their mate's parents to bring her,) is going to be lovingly preparing a 'wonderful home-cooked meal' for their child. Yeah right! 😂

I am also willing to bet that the other child's parent brought her home.

You can try and backpedal all you like, but your opening post made it clear you're a total CF who expects other people to take responsibility for your child and ferry them about because 'they're a soft touch!'

As I said, I had a bellyful of parents like you when my DC were kids. Fucked me RIGHT off. Entitled CFs.

I think YOU are the one who's hilarious!

73Sunglasslover · 22/10/2019 19:01

I hope you'd turn down an offered lift as it's the "adult" thing to do

Yes I frequently do as I don't want to put others out when I can walk. But I don't think a lift has been offered, I think it's been requested, which is a slightly different equation.

What's with the quotes? Is there a point which you are making passively which you could make more actively?

CarolDanvers · 22/10/2019 19:02

I know it isn't. I routinely walk 12-15 km a day but I think if not accepting a kindly offered lift is the adult thing to do then I hope the adults would practice what they preach.

Hederex · 22/10/2019 19:03

If it's dark, I'd collect her.

ateallthecake · 22/10/2019 19:03

I think this boils down to consistency and setting expectations in advance. If you normally pick her up from places and want her to be more independent then maybe you need to phrase it like that? An ad hoc text is going to cause an argument if she isn't expecting it. Has she had a long week at school and late night? Pick you battles maybe?!!! But no you're being U, unless you haven't discussed it first maybe. It's not far!

CarolDanvers · 22/10/2019 19:03

What's with the quotes? Is there a point which you are making passively which you could make more actively?

I don't think was being passive at all tbh. Sorry you've misunderstood my intention.

73Sunglasslover · 22/10/2019 19:04

I know it isn't. I routinely walk 12-15 km a day but I think if not accepting a kindly offered lift is the adult thing to do then I hope the adults would practice what they preach

Original post was clear that DD had asked for a lift, not been offered one so I think we are at cross purposes. I think it is an adult thing to do to think about how much you are putting others out and whether you really need to. Walking very short distances such as a mile rather than accepting or asking for a lift from others is a perfect example of this I think. Obviously the context changes the need.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 22/10/2019 19:04

rainingallday - I think you need to rein in your imagination

happinessischocolate · 22/10/2019 19:04

I used to pick my dd up and take her wherever she wanted to go, drove thousands of miles over the years with her after school activities.

She now drives and is just as generous with her time and lifts as I was.

So, you reap what you sow, if you want your kids to help you out when you're older it's probably a good idea to help them out now.

That said.....only if they ask nicely and not expect it as a given

Andsoitisjust99 · 22/10/2019 19:05

YANBU
I often walked/caught bus/train as a teenager. I don’t agree that other parents are somehow duty bound to take them and they are being taken advantage of, actually it’s them overstepping (assuming it’s in the light, when their parents are happy with the situation). It’s not lazy parenting to support your child to grow in independence. It’s good parenting.

NobdieTheNob · 22/10/2019 19:05

Glad she walked, OP.

Now after the event, but my DD has tried it on similarly. For a distance of one poxy mile. She gets very short shrift from me. Apparently I'm, like, so mean.

pictish · 22/10/2019 19:05

Would I pick her up a mile away? Would I bollocks.

I don’t pick my ten year old up from a mile away. Legs...they’re a thing.

How lazy!

73Sunglasslover · 22/10/2019 19:05

I don't think was being passive at all tbh. Sorry you've misunderstood my intention.

I guess I have. Was it meant to be directly aggressive or just an honest query which can be misinterpreted?

NobdieTheNob · 22/10/2019 19:07

BTW, Rainingallday, have you had a funny turn?

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