To not go and pick up daughter

[Twix42]

DD age 13 is at a friend's house. Has been with her all day. She just messaged me to ask if I could come and pick her up. Friend lives roughly 1 mile away, if that. It's not raining or dark outside and it's a safe route home. I told her to walk back home herself she'salazyarse
Needless to say her friend's parent will probably bring her home anyway as they are a soft touch and will feel sorry for her.
It's really not that far away, but aibu to not go and collect her?
Btw I am not expecting said friend's parent to bring her home, they just do it....

I wouldn't go pick her up in the car. If my kids are less than a 20min walk away and they want some company on the way home I would say you start walking & I'll start walking & i will meet you half way. Either that or buy her a bus pass then she can get herself around.

I'm now reading this thread just for more pearls of parenting wisdom from Rainingallday.

The issue though is that the other parents don’t necessarily know that you’re not picking up your DD because you’re making some sort of stance.

To them , it probably does look like you know they’ll drop her home so you’re just not bothering and that makes you look like a CF.

Have the conversation with them if you really feel the need to take a stance on this issue rather than expecting your 14 year old to turn down a lift if it’s offered (I know I’d still insist if I was the other parent in this situation).

If I’m honest, it seems an odd thing to make a song and dance about, after all by 5.45ish it’s definitely getting dark so I don’t see the issue in the odd lift in those circumstances.

If your DD is struggling with weight or generally being inactive there are plenty of other ways you can address that.

@G5000

So a parent is entitled now if they expect their teenager to walk one mile in fair weather? I would rather think some children might grow up somewhat entitled, if the parents treat them like pampered princesses.

NO a parent is ENTITLED when they expect other parents to bring their kids home because they're a soft touch is what I said.

Do you have problems with comprehension?!

As I said, we did this NUMEROUS times, because parents couldn't be arsed to come get their own child, and expected them to walk 20-35 minutes ALONE, across a route that was half big council estate with rat runs and alleyway, and half lonely footpaths. Their parents didn't care (clearly) but we DID. SO we would walk them round, or drive them. These kinds of parents fucked me right off. Rude, entitled, and fucking cheeky. As well as displaying questionable parenting skills.

I am sure the OP and people supporting her will say THEIR child's route is/was a 15 minute walk on a well-walked pathway, with dozens of people around her ALL the time, and not a lonely 5 minutes ANYwhere.

Then there's the 'my child walks or cycles 5 miles to school (and back,) on their own through snow and rain and hurricane force winds, and any child who doesn't is a lazy twat' brigade.

Seriously, this thread is a fucking eye opener, I am shocked a how blase some posters are when it comes to the welfare of their school age children.

@Mycatwontstopstaring

My mum was big on independence and I would usually walk home from school / friend’s houses. In between age 12-17, here are some that happened while I did so...
- followed by group of creepy guys, had to run a strange route as I didn’t want to lead them home, and managed to lose them in a bus station.
- stones thrown at me by a couple of bored boys. One left a bruise.
- bag stolen, thrown to ground
- groped by stranger
Obviously there were hundreds of journeys that went absolutely fine... But I never felt relaxed or safe during them.

All happened around 3-4pm in ‘safe’ areas of a nice affluent district. I never mentioned any of those incidents to mum, looking back I don’t really know why, think I didn’t want to upset her but also it wasn’t like she could change past. However, I would have loved to be one of those children whose parents give them lifts all the time.

This exactly. A poster with common sense. Seems to be lacking from many on here, who think it's FINE to let their school age CHILD walk ALONE in the evening for a mile, coz they cannot be arsed to move from in front of the TV and drive OR WALK to fetch them and walk with them. 'Oh they will be fine!' How naive and ignorant some people are. (As well as entitled and fucking cheeky expecting others to bring their child home!)

I can't believe some of the posts I am reading on here. Assuming their child walking alone for 20-25 minutes, in the early evening is going to be perfectly safe.

Terrifying. Actually terrifying.

YANBU. Parents that pick up their children (or give their friends lifts) for short distances like this aren't doing them any favours. Bad for the environment and bad for their health. It annoys me when other parents give DD a lift, I tell her to walk for good reason and they ought to respect that.

I would probably pick her up. Not because it's dark or unsafe but it's a nice thing to do for someone! I would pick up dh or a friend if I could so why wouldn't I for my child?

I have 3 dc and do a lot of ferrying them round. They use public transport where practical but sometimes if a journey involves lots of changes of bus/tube etc and I can get them home quicker by car then I will. It won't be for ever - dd1 is learning to drive now. And they appreciate the lifts.

An awful lot of principles going on on this thread. @Myself2020 that's a huge assumption to make - for all we know, the OP's dd could be doing a sport 5 times a week or whatever.

No wonder there is such a problem with obesity. 1 mile is nothing to a healthy teenager. If other parents are stupid enough and care so little about the air quality their children will breath that's their lookout.

I am shocked at the number of parents who would routinely pick up their children in the car for a journey less than mile!

If my child was nervous about walking home alone, I'd WALK to pick them up and back again.

I encourage my kids to walk and/or get the bus whenever they can.

I would have done the same as you OP. It's not about doing favours for them. I do plenty of favours for them but I see encouraging them to walk for short journeys as part of my parenting duty just like teaching them to dress themselves, wipe their own bums, cook for themselves etc.

If my kids routinely drive for journeys less than a mile when they are adults, I will feel like I didn't instill the message that walking is good for you and the environment well enough.

Afraid this triggered something that happened over 40 years ago to me, I was attacked while walking home.
My father had refused to come & get me. I was a lot older than your daughter, plus a lot later at night, I missed the last underground train on my branch, on a Sunday night (didn't realise they stopped earlier on a Sunday).
I got as far as the stop before my own (it branched at that point) & I was about one mile away from home. I phoned home at the station from telephone box (no mobiles then).
I had never asked him previously to collect me and never asked again. All ended OK, but this experience means I would just go and collect.
Hope she is safe and all's well.

Not relevant really, just triggered a bad experience, if my child asked, whatever the time of day, I'd collect.
I walked over 2 miles back & forth from school, (all in London boroughs) for all my school years. No issues.

Why I've posted: at 13, I would take it your daughter knows when she feels it would be better to get a lift/have company getting back.
It partly depends on the area, how busy it is, & the time (5.30pm is now dusk). Talk to her about it and how to get back safely from where ever she is, given the environment she is walking in.

“ It annoys me when other parents give DD a lift, I tell her to walk for good reason and they ought to respect that.‘

That’s how I feel. I politely ignore them overriding my decision. They certainly don’t get thanked.

I would have got her as it’s dark but then a friend of a work colleagues daughter was raped and murdered, going out of my way for 5 mins wouldn’t have bothered me

Rainingallday, the OP clearly says: It's not raining or dark outside and it's a safe route home

I am one of those who says my DC have legs and can use them. We live in a safe, well lit place (and, to repeat, the OP specifically says 'it's not dark').

If we didn't, I'd move collect them. Obviously. As would everyone else on here who says the OP is NBU, I imagine.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with CFs, but I don't think that's what this thread is about.

Can people just STFU with the 'no wonder children are obese crap?'

I said NUMEROUS times that the parent can WALK to get their CHILD, and then walk back with her/him.

Why the fuck would anyone want their CHILD to walk alone 20-25 minutes in the early evening?

WTF is wrong with people? It's not safe out there! Do you not care for the welfare of your children?! at ALL?!

Seriously, as I said, I cannot believe some of what I am reading here!

That’s how I feel. I politely ignore them overriding my decision. They certainly don’t get thanked.

I actually had one parent who lives on the next road offer to give DD a lift to school every morning with her DD. I said no thanks, I want her to walk.

I'm a soft touch and so probably would tbh. It would be no skin off my nose

No wonder children are obese.

@katsukaty Thanks for sharing your story.

I doubt it will sink into the 3 inch thick skulls of some people here though.

I give up. You can't fix stupid.

I'm out.

Rainingallday, it doesn't take 25 MINUTES to WALK a MILE.

Bye then.

It's not safe out there!

where the hell do you live that teenagers cannot be outside in daylight for 15 minutes? In your opinion people are uncaring when they let their teenagers walk to and from school, or to go anywhere alone, for that matter? Until what age do you have to hold their hand at all times then?

I wouldn't pick my DC up. Not through laziness but because I want to teach independence. I run them all over the county for various things so NOT picking DC up is a deliberate act of inaction to encourage this, like refusing to tidy their rooms or put their washed clothes away; they can do it themselves.

rainingllday there is no need for the parents to walk to collect the 13yo. Yes, very, very rarely bad things happen, but the OP has said it's a safe route home. The girl is 13, get a grip.

She's 13 not 3! I was taking myself to and from school on the tube by myself at that age. This was the 90s.

Something may happen yes. But statistically it is not going to. And maybe if more people walked rather than got in their cars, less bad things would happen as more people would be around.

Anyway she's home now. Hair can remain on.

@rainingallday WTF is wrong with people? It's not safe out there! Do you not care for the welfare of your children?! at ALL?!
I think we do care about the welfare of our children. We don't want to raise children who are fearful of the world, who lack resilience and who can't extricate themselves from problems should they arrive (and I'm not talking about being bundled into a van - what makes the front page of the Daily Mail does not apply to the vast majority of our realities). We want to raise children who are capable and independent. You are mistaking that desire for an absence of care because you're enjoying the soap-opera of indignation.

rainingallday

Wow...I mean you obviously didn't read the OP's post at all